#1
Hey folks, second post, I greatly appreciated the criticism of my first, so please keep it coming. C4C, of course, for anyone who's kind enough to share their thoughts.

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hermit crabs at my command
water warm as sand
two hundred feet from land
water warm as sand
let your strong arms and legs be washed over by waves
and i'll be your man
water warm as sand

hold tight to my hand
water warm as sand
forget everything we planned
water warm as sand
i will lead you down to the caves where anchors have made their graves
and i'll make no demand
water warm as sand

pack up your shells and your light, we're leaving tonight
swimming out from the dock, third star to the right
to the place where our bodies revive, and we will celebrate our lives
until we cannot stand
water warm as sand
#2
I really like the meter/the form you chose for this piece. Like the sea it moves in waves, slowly, almost hypnotically. You should try to push that more in this piece.

As you start writing more and reading more, you will use more of those techniques. 'Water warm as sand' is a great line - it's effective and through the use of repetition it can develop into something more.

See you around.
#3
hermit crabs at my command
water warm as sand
two hundred feet from land
water warm as sand
let your strong arms and legs be washed over by waves
and i'll be your man
water warm as sand
I liked the use of the repetition here, but the rhyme scheme is a little bit too much for me

hold tight to my hand
water warm as sand
forget everything we planned
water warm as sand
i will lead you down to the caves where anchors have made their graves
and i'll make no demand
water warm as sand
I love the 'anchors made their graves' line, but the repeated line has gone on too long here, if you change it up, even just a little bit, I think it would help.

pack up your shells and your light, we're leaving tonight
swimming out from the dock, third star to the right
to the place where our bodies revive, and we will celebrate our lives
until we cannot stand
water warm as sand
This is a brilliant stanza, I like the effect of the change in line length. The rhyming still annoys me a little bit, but not quite as much. The last couplet pulled it all together.

I liked it a lot. what genre are you going for here? If you wouldn't mind, could you crit my newest lyric in my signature?
Last edited by Skaliveson at Jul 26, 2010,
#4
Thanks for the criticism, folks.

Style, dark-ish acoustic, something like

[Dm] Two hundred feet from [C/B] land, water warm as [Am] sand

with Dm as one bar, C/B as one bar, then Am as two bars. Not sure about the longer lines in the verses and the last part as-yet.
#5
I like it, very moody and dark. I especially like the 'warm as sand' repetition. Keep up the good work!
#6
First of all. I would like to thank you for you're kind words on my piece here,

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1342968.

Ok, this is the first piece I have read where it's really,really,really ambiguous. Did you intend to make it sound like that?

Cause to me it sounds like it is about god "
hermit crabs at my command"

"hold tight to my hand"

Then again, I have a strange mind so it possibly isn't.

I like the pacing of this piece, the words flow together really well and the onomatopoeia is very good. (did I spell that right?).

It's awesome
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