#1
Hey, S&L! Just wrote out some lyrics to a song I've been working on, wanted to get some feedback. The song is in the style of traditional Swedish Melodic Death Metal (i.e. endless one-two thrash beat ) It looks fairly verbose on paper, but they're recited rapidly...the song itself is a standard 4 minutes long. I've written out some verses and the chorus, will probably add more for the bridge. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, as this is my first posting in S&L.

I'd love to C4C if you link me to your thread/lyrics.
Cheers!



Title:
Neversong
or
Liminal Permanence
(I can't decide...)

First Verse:
We bear
A fear beyond compare
A nightmare in the air
Death could not come sooner
But I dread what may be there

A querulant delusion
Persecutory complex
A violent cognition
Of the ones I called my friends

Pre-chorus
I swear I’ll never love again
Never become what I desire
Any time I need a reminder
I’ll look into another’s eyes


Chorus:
Return to me
My stolen heaven
We fight through life, to death
Our neversong

Return to me
My only haven
We fight through life, to death
Our never…

Second Verse 1
Ending
Struggle versus self
Started with a lapse
Ending with a bloody, crying
Dissociated shell

You annihilated safety
Penetrated substance
Shattered what was genuine
Now I am left in

Break
This place
The end of a fading warmth
But no beginning in sight
No sign of a dawn for me

Second Verse 2
They say that we are broken
Failures of a life
Weight upon my shoulders
Leads me to believe they’re right

Purgatory endless
Days I’ll never see
What is just one night to you
A permanence for me

Chorus
E-married to ilikepirates

Quote by bloodtrocuted93

How are you so fucking awesome at music?


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#2
i like the feel but i don't like the love songiness of the actual lyrics, it just doesn't belong
Quote by ATREYUFAN4LIFE

lol wowow you guys dont know good music then... get out of your deth metal and screamo ruts and listen to something that has emotion in the music...


Call me Mike, all my friends do.
#3
Quote by lifesuckstomuch
i like the feel but i don't like the love songiness of the actual lyrics, it just doesn't belong

Really? Which parts exactly gave off the impression that it was a love song?
E-married to ilikepirates

Quote by bloodtrocuted93

How are you so fucking awesome at music?


>¦<
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