#1
Hey everyone, I just wrote this, and I have it planned out acoustically, and I'll get it recorded within the next day, but I was wondering what people thought of these, it's basically a song about a drifter and lives wherever he wants and occasionally thinks back to his old life.

EDIT: I also recorded this and it's in my profile if anyone is wondering what I did for the vocal melody.


I used to rip the days apart thinking about what used to be
I know I'd stop everything, everything to see
Just what the air was breathing
Knowing it just wasn't me
I wish I he ld onto everything to be

Never replaced by old memories
The sun will be here to listen to my woes
This tall sweet grass is my home.

Uncover this veil of myself and find,
All in good time
Just what matters to me.

The source of frustration is mine
Cold, dark lonely times
Of which I used to believe

Never replaced by cold memories
The stars will guide me home
I walk along this dead, desolate road.

I used to rip the days apart thinking about what used to be
I know I'd stop everything to see
Just what the air was breathing
Knowing it just wasn't me
I'd wish on everything.

I'd count the days I'd count the nights
Dried out, washed up, restless sights
I tried to stop, I begged to quit
Though my conscience thought of it
It takes me all back to you.

Used up beds and empty rooms
The drifters life, The same old gloom
Seeing life in different eyes

A bus loop bench, A field of trees
The starless sky, the great blue streams
A dirt dug road, A flash of scenes
The tuned down lights and empty streets.
These are all of my dreams.

Never replaced by old memories
The sun will be here to listen to my woes
This tall sweet grass is my home.

Never replaced by cold memories
The stars will guide me home
I walk along this dead, desolate road.
Poop.


Yes, poop.
Last edited by MattAnderson111 at Jul 22, 2010,
#2
it feels disjointed to me.

but;
"I'd count the days I'd count the nights
Dried out, washed up, restless sights
I tried to stop, I begged to quit
Though my conscience thought of it
It takes me all back to you."
and;
"A bus loop bench, A field of trees
The starless sky, the great blue streams
A dirt dug road, A flash of scenes
The tuned down lights and empty streets.
These are all of my dreams."
are orgasmic.

i wish i had something constructive to type.
but i don't.
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.
#3
What's the story for this (if there is one) so I can get an understanding behind it?
Bass Gear:

Mensinger: Speesy
Fender Precision 1989 (CIJ Rosewood)
Fender Steve Harris (CIJ)
Lakland J Sonic 5
Epiphone Explorer
Maruszczyk (custom) Jake

Ashdown CTM 100
#4
This was really, really good. At first I thought you would be bordering cliche but you turned it upside down with your execution. I think that this would make great lyrics to a song. The only verse I didn't like was:
"I'd count the days I'd count the nights
Dried out, washed up, restless sights
I tried to stop, I begged to quit
Though my conscience thought of it
It takes me all back to you."

From a poetic point of view I felt that this was lacking, but it depends on how it works with the song. But if you do feel like re-writing anything then this should be the verse I feel you should focus on.

Good job.
#6
I love it man, I nearly was in tears. Then again it maybe cause I am an emotional wreck at the moment.

But this line:
"I used to rip the days apart thinking about what used to be"

Doesn't feel right to me. Feels a bit disjointed. Then again it depends on the phrasing of the song.
Bass Gear:

Mensinger: Speesy
Fender Precision 1989 (CIJ Rosewood)
Fender Steve Harris (CIJ)
Lakland J Sonic 5
Epiphone Explorer
Maruszczyk (custom) Jake

Ashdown CTM 100