I sit, slumped
‘S’ shaped over the desk,
My hand, fumbles, stumbles,
Grabs, and slides its way along,
The silky stretched neck, of
The half filled glass, so stoutly sat
Where it always will be.
My eyes, stray over towards, the
Emblazoned red digits of the clock,
“12:50” it reads, I sit
and sink into the tough tarnished leather,
of my favourite chair, whether
it be weariness, or illness: I’m
under the weather.
I lift my head, heavy with thought, yet
Has the emotion of a blank canvas,
The pen which was before behind
My ear, I had
Pushed between my coiled fingers, of
My floppy, lifeless right hand,
I pick up the paper from the sustainably stained
Desk, and screw it up;
Expressive-yet-passionless, like
A stuffed bear.
“Bloody hell!” I’m a part-timer,
I sip my wine – a disgusted enthusiast,
And wipe the drips off my
Fevered brow, how
Can I allow
Myself, to get into such a pathetic state?
Wait! -
Over something so trivial?
I put out the candle with my sweaty palm, and
Ajourn to the place where I can
Dream, delectable dreams of passion and success,
Without distress or regress,
Or the need to impress.
I can,
“Melt in a memory,
Slide in a solitude,”
I need to read by the moon.
made my brain ejaculate a little.

i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.
A lot of the line breaks seemed forced, as in, you were trying too hard to be sporadic. At times, it works, but it has to work with the flow. You can't just have "the/and/of" / line break / "insert verb/adjective" all the time when you need an awkward shift. It's tedious and even a tad boring at times.

Also, try to break this up into somewhat readable stanzas. And don't always capitalize the first letter of lines - it interrupts the flow of things, as a pretty smart guy once told me. It'll be awkward writing that way at first, but trust me. It'll turn into second nature.

All in all, it was an enjoyable read. Know that I'm not being harsh because I dislike you or your poetry, but because I see a lot of potential in what you write. You've got a knack for illustrating some really intriguing imagery. It just needs honed.

Finally some intelligent and properly thought out crit. Thanks man. I know what you mean. It tends to end up a little mash potatoey (ie, one big lump) cus all the ideas come at once. I think I need to sit and revise what I write before finishing.

But thanks a lot I will work on what you said.