#1
It's 24 hours later and I've completed another draft. I like this one a lot more, and hope you guys have time to read it again and tell me what you think. Again I'll leave all the versions up, but do not feel compelled to read more than the first poem. I'm more than happy to C4C. Everyone's feedback has been very helpful so far.

Newest version:

Facebook Pictures

In the picture she wraps her arms
around a redwood. In another
she poses at the base of a glacier
and then again at its icy summit.
She looks out over it all, pointy-chinned and speculative.
His hair is the color of sun-dried tomatoes. He is wholesome,
like seven-grain bread, and probably doesn’t drink.

On this side of the country,
(the opposite from where those were taken,)
mountains can be crossed without the popping of eardrums,
can be conquered by children under four.

I wish, instead of seeing them like this:
So ****ing happy—
enough so to make me think they might stay that way forever—
I could see them argue:

“Nice of you to make dinner,” he’d say,
the dining room table layered in unpaid bills;
no plates, silverware; not even a bowl of pasta.
“Nice of you to come home,” she’d say,
Without taking her eyes off tonight’s episode, The Real Housewives of....
“It’s funny,” he’d say, “you know…”
“No,” she’d say, “I don’t.”


2nd version:

I Am Mostly Sure


I am mostly sure
that I do not love her
anymore.

In the pictures of her and him
they climb together through the wild;
she walks ahead, dances on a glacier's trail.
He photographs her, sharp-chinned
and speculative.

In my world the snow-capped July summit melts in February.
Truth is, in my world, there is no mountain,
no icicles clinging to waterfalls...
We have a river that collects beer
cans and condoms:
it doesn't snake, it swallows.

I wish, instead of seeing them like this
I could see them really argue.
“Where’s the ****ing dinner?” he says.
“You can’t keep buying those shoes.”
But from the look of things, I doubt they do.


ORIGINAL


I don’t love her,
I don’t know her,
I don’t love her.

In the pictures of her and him
they climb together through the wild,
On the other side of the world.
She walks ahead, dances on the trail
Of a glacier, and then he
leads for a while.

In my world the snow-capped July summit melts in February,
And icicles never cling from waterfalls
Like bats from stalactites.
(We don’t have those either.)
All year long the river collects beer cans;
It doesn’t snake through the valleys of purple
Perennials, or mist from the summit of some majestic cliff.

I don’t know what they argue about on Tuesday nights:
If it’s, “Where’s the dinner?” or, “You can’t keep buying shoes.”
But from the look of things, they don’t argue about a damned thing
Except who gets to be on top, as they make love under some
Redwood trees.
Last edited by JordanZZ at Jul 25, 2010,
#2
hmmm.
it's not exactly my cup o tea.
but i like it anyway.

the ending is perfect.
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.
#5
No bumping.

Some of the line breaks caught me as dizzying, but asides from that the message gets across clear.
I thought it was cute and well told, but I felt the ending could have had a bigger kick to it. As is, it feels a little weak
#6
I don't like the first 3 lines at all. Just saying. I really liked the ending though. Although you switched from the images of glaciers and ice that symbolize your cold, indifferent, hurt feelings to images of redwood trees. If you could some how keep the images consistant maybe?

c4c? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=24795093#post24795093
I'll pretend I can mod your amp but break it instead.
#7
I don't mind it. I am a southern rock kind of guy but it ain't bad. I would just change the first three lines. Good Job!
#8
Quote by greyeyedfire
No bumping.

Some of the line breaks caught me as dizzying, but asides from that the message gets across clear.
I thought it was cute and well told, but I felt the ending could have had a bigger kick to it. As is, it feels a little weak


Why no bumping if no one's commenting?

Thanks for reading and commenting! I see what you mean about some of the line breaks. I can fix that. As for a kick... I don't know. Do poems necessarily need to kick? I suppose good ones probably do, but "okay" poems may not need to kick too hard.

Thanks again!
#9
Quote by guitarlord28
I don't like the first 3 lines at all. Just saying. I really liked the ending though. Although you switched from the images of glaciers and ice that symbolize your cold, indifferent, hurt feelings to images of redwood trees. If you could some how keep the images consistant maybe?

c4c? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=24795093#post24795093


Thanks for reading, guitarlord. I think I agree about the first three lines. As for the images... I see what you're getting at, but consider if symbols of "nature" vs. "city" may be more applicable than "cold, indifferent, hurt." But, you know, I am not supposed to tell you how to read my poem. You can read it how you like. =) Thanks again for commenting!
#11
Quote by JordanZZ
Why no bumping if no one's commenting?

Thanks for reading and commenting! I see what you mean about some of the line breaks. I can fix that. As for a kick... I don't know. Do poems necessarily need to kick? I suppose good ones probably do, but "okay" poems may not need to kick too hard.

Thanks again!


It's not allowed because of the rules. Neither is double posting because of - right, the rules again.

On topic, the piece is alright. The line breaks were almost always terrible and rolled off the tongue like duct tape off a car window. The original is better than the new one in my opinion, even though it gets off to a rocky start, just because the last two stanzas were particularly nice.

Overall, the original one is good, though the first two stanzas suck. The new one is just plain mediocre in my opinion. The swearing brings nothing to the piece and it's completely bland. If you could blend the two a bit it would definitely make for a better read.
#12
Definately an interesting take on watching a lost love and the new relationship fails.

I am mostly sure
that I do not love her
anymore


I think that's a great opener. It's harder to love someone if they love someone else. If there's ever a chance that it fails, ya want to think you could love her again.

The 3rd stanza seems out of place, although I do understand its intention for being there. Everything looks lovely for the new couple and everything around you (ie. character) is going to hell. Reality always seems dismal when lonely.

I thought all in all it's good. The revision is way above the first version. Where the first was a bit bare and choppy, the 2nd cleaned it up and the flow was so much better. Nice job. If ya wouldn't mind could ya take a look at my new one? Don't normally ask for other crits but I do like the way you do them and this new one is a lil out of my comfort zone.

"The Reaction" https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1341693
#13
Quote by punkforlife93
It's not allowed because of the rules. Neither is double posting because of - right, the rules again.

On topic, the piece is alright. The line breaks were almost always terrible and rolled off the tongue like duct tape off a car window. The original is better than the new one in my opinion, even though it gets off to a rocky start, just because the last two stanzas were particularly nice.

Overall, the original one is good, though the first two stanzas suck. The new one is just plain mediocre in my opinion. The swearing brings nothing to the piece and it's completely bland. If you could blend the two a bit it would definitely make for a better read.


There are reasons that rules are created and its quite acceptable to want to understand them.

As for your criticsm: it was unspecific and unhelpful. Try to reference or use quotes so I can see what you are talking about. Otherwise you just seem angry. Look up the word enjambment and try reading again.
#15
Quote by JordanZZ
Hey all. Made some drastic changes. The original is the 2nd one posted. Thanks for reading and commenting!

I Am Mostly Sure


I am mostly sure
that I do not love her
anymore. Very much liked how this worked. Sets the topic down quickly, lets the reader know what they're reading. The flow was a bit finicky, but "do not love her/ anymore" worked very well in my mind.

In the pictures of her and him
they climb together through the wild;
she walks ahead, dances on a glacier's trail.
He photographs her, sharp-chinned
and speculative. I don't like line 3; switch out "walk" and "dance" for something less generic to make this "better". All IMO of course.

In my world the snow-capped July summit melts in February.
Truth is, in my world, there is no mountain,
no icicles clinging to waterfalls...
We have a river that collects beer
cans and condoms:
it doesn't snake, it swallows. Line 1 I liked a lot; the whole idea of the dream-world decaying was good. "beer/cans" was a really awkward line break to me.

I wish, instead of seeing them like this
I could see them really argue.
“Where’s the ****ing dinner?” he says.
“You can’t keep buying those shoes.”
But from the look of things, I doubt they do.
A bit of a confusing ending IMO; the themes didn't get wrapped up very well. It worked though- brought the whole thing back to a slightly dingy reality.

As a whole, I really enjoyed this read. Keep up the good work, citizen. I'll leave some selective criticism on the original, too.


ORIGINAL


I don’t love her,
I don’t know her,
I don’t love her. I can see why you changed it...

In the pictures of her and him
they climb together through the wild,
On the other side of the world.
She walks ahead, dances on the trail
Of a glacier, and then he
leads for a while. "he/leads" was a painful line break, but apart from that I preferred this stanza to it's parallel in the rewrite.

In my world the snow-capped July summit melts in February,
And icicles never cling from waterfalls
Like bats from stalactites.
(We don’t have those either.)
All year long the river collects beer cans;
It doesn’t snake through the valleys of purple
Perennials, or mist from the summit of some majestic cliff. Again, I preferred this version. The vocabulary was more flowery and nice, but it still did the job well. The bracketed line made me wat a bit.

I don’t know what they argue about on Tuesday nights:
If it’s, “Where’s the dinner?” or, “You can’t keep buying shoes.”
But from the look of things, they don’t argue about a damned thing
Except who gets to be on top, as they make love under some
Redwood trees. "some/Redwood" was a really chunky line break, and (at least to me) "Redwood trees" isn't that significant, so it just looks kinda silly all out there on it's own. I preferred this ending, it managed to be explicit without being plain offensive.

As a whole, I preferred the original apart from the first stanza. Both were passable(if not good) reads though.


See my signature for C4Cs, if you're into that kinda stuff. Any'll do, personally I'm quite proud of "Chrysalis".
#16
Well I loved it.
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust.
But I'm scared i'll get scared and i swear i'll try to nail you back up.



Female SouperHero
#18
Quote by JordanZZ
Why no bumping if no one's commenting?

Thanks for reading and commenting! I see what you mean about some of the line breaks. I can fix that. As for a kick... I don't know. Do poems necessarily need to kick? I suppose good ones probably do, but "okay" poems may not need to kick too hard.

Thanks again!


Why would you be interested in writing an okay poem rather than a good one?

The only thing I was personally into was the last two lines of the first version. It was kinda clever. There just wasn't anything that was entirely very vivid. All of the images were handed to me without any work at all. It almost wasn't really artistic, rather just a literal retelling of an event. It would have been so much more effective to say something like "his sun-dried tomato hair slept on virgin seven-grain skin."

I remember you asking me what imagery is. It's the ability to show, not tell. That's what metaphors are. Paint me a picture, don't just give it all to me without a little bit of mystery on my part.

All in all, there was nothing deficient, it just wasn't particularly engaging.
#19
Quote by Chaingarden
Why would you be interested in writing an okay poem rather than a good one?

The only thing I was personally into was the last two lines of the first version. It was kinda clever. There just wasn't anything that was entirely very vivid. All of the images were handed to me without any work at all. It almost wasn't really artistic, rather just a literal retelling of an event. It would have been so much more effective to say something like "his sun-dried tomato hair slept on virgin seven-grain skin."

I remember you asking me what imagery is. It's the ability to show, not tell. That's what metaphors are. Paint me a picture, don't just give it all to me without a little bit of mystery on my part.

All in all, there was nothing deficient, it just wasn't particularly engaging.


Chain, I posted an even newer version of that top poem. Why don't you check that one out?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1344725

Anyway, there is NOTHING that appeals to me about the phrase "virgin seven-grain skin". Do you know what 7-Grain bread looks like? It's stuffed with whole grains, so it's speckled with booger-looking grains. And, honestly, do you really want to compare skin to anything made of dough? Thanks though. Lol. Let me ask ya something. What is the best metaphor that you've ever heard? Who is the best lyricist or poet? These are questions mostly unrelated to our little spat.

Thank you, though, for taking the time to read all three versions of the poem. I hope you check out the latest one, which is the one I'm most happy with. Check out my link!

Also, I wanted to add: People don't paint pictures by using metaphors. As I showed above, painting someone with skin that resembles seven grain bread would lead to some very funky looking skin. We could call it post modern, though, and declare our differences ones of tastes and schools of thought.
Last edited by JordanZZ at Aug 1, 2010,
#20
Quote by JordanZZ
Chain, I posted an even newer version of that top poem. Why don't you check that one out?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1344725

Anyway, there is NOTHING that appeals to me about the phrase "virgin seven-grain skin". Do you know what 7-Grain bread looks like? It's stuffed with whole grains, so it's speckled with booger-looking grains. And, honestly, do you really want to compare skin to anything made of dough? Thanks though. Lol. Let me ask ya something. What is the best metaphor that you've ever heard? Who is the best lyricist or poet? These are questions mostly unrelated to our little spat.

Thank you, though, for taking the time to read all three versions of the poem. I hope you check out the latest one, which is the one I'm most happy with. Check out my link!

Also, I wanted to add: People don't paint pictures by using metaphors. As I showed above, painting someone with skin that resembles seven grain bread would lead to some very funky looking skin. We could call it post modern, though, and declare our differences ones of tastes and schools of thought.


I really don't think we're going to see eye to eye here. I see where you're going with that, and while I totally respect your viewpoint, I disagree. Different schools of thought, indeed.
#21
wow, this piece has gone through a lot of work! i really love it! the original was good enough as as, but the newest draft is suberb!
i cant get over how much i relate to this piece. its incredible reading it almost brings a tear to my eye, thinking about her.
thanks for bringin back memories man! keep up the good work!
10/10