#1
Meh. It's been so freaking long since I've written anything halfway legitimate, so I don't know if this is good or awful. Some pieces are fun to write, this one was just a little scary. Either way, enjoy.

C4C, peeps. Tear it apart if you feel the need.



Few can match the cold of steel inlaid with grooves that
narrow to a gaping maw of arbitrary, absolute
infinity. The coward’s quivering caress that struck you
southward to the brittle earth, that whispered how it’s for the best.

Nettle wine poured forth from marble flesh as soft as autumn’s scent.
He swore it took him skyward. He swore his motivations were
of little consequence, and yet, eyes varnished still with petty hurt.
Her shallow waves crash through the reefs of dying lungs and black regret.

She was on the tile floor, bleeding profusely. When I finally reached her side, I immediately knew just what sort of shit we were in. I told her that it’d be fine, because I was here, and I took a bunch of toilet paper off the rack and started trying to stop the bleeding with it. The blood didn’t seem to even be absorbed. It just rushed out through the makeshift bandages, pouring all over my jeans. She was smiling in a sort of sad way, the way you smile at a child when they say something innocent and obviously incorrect. It was the way you smile when you know that they’re wrong, but it’s sweet that they think what they do. I asked her who had hurt her like this. She said it was her father. Apparently he’d been drinking, and she wasn’t worth anything, so instead of breaking dishes or bottles or wine racks, he decided to break her. And that’s what the bullet lodged in her side was doing there. She had been in the bathroom, and he had threatened to rape her, and she wouldn’t let him do it. I was the first person she thought to call. I asked her where her father had gone, and she simply said he had gone away. I started crying because her skin was all white. She said it was alright because the pain was going away. I said that meant she was dying. It wasn’t alright. I buried my head in her bloody chest and just cried for a while, even though she wasn’t crying. When I looked up at her, she sighed really long, and then she said my name. I asked her what it was she needed. She just told me not to be angry. So I kissed her. And I tucked her bloody hair behind her ear like I always do when we’re alone. And I just held her closer than I’ve ever held anything, and she dug her fingernails into my back. And that’s all I did, for the next five minutes. We just held each other, and I tried to breathe life back into my love.

Riddle me this.
If a father kills his daughter and there’s no one there to see it, is he still a man?
Or is he a piece of fucking defecate? Is he abominable in the eyes of God?
I know that I’m supposed to love all
and that murder is always wrong
but if I didn’t love my savior like I do,
I would carve him up like a jack-o-lantern
with holes for eyes and a nose. I would slice off his lips
and ears and nail him to a funeral pyre.
Then I would pour gasoline all around his body
and I’d remind him of what he’d done to you, to me
and he would say that it was an accident, that it was the booze.
I would tell him that the booze was his fault.
I would tell him not to be such a coward.

Match. Crackle. Pop.

I can’t. I can’t do this. Even if I say that I would, it just
makes me sick to speak. Even with what you did.
Not like this. Not vice versa. Not like this.

Not like this.

Ich war gesteckt in deinen Traum.
Ich nie werden aussteigen.
#2
I think the tone change from the first two stanzas to the last ones could be more subtle. It was almost as if the narrator changed, which maybe you wanted.

Also, i don't like the first ten lines in the fourth stanza.

Otherwise, this is a good poem. I don't think you need to be so hard on your self.
#4
Thanks Matt, as a matter of fact, the first two stanzas are intended to be almost omniscient, and the others first person. Also, by not liking the first ten lines in the fourth stanza, do you mean the phrasing or the content?

Also much phoenix, hxc forum unite. This is actually going to be in that skramz project I mentioned in the Collab thread.
#5
Nice piece, very atmospheric and it does establish a very sad mood in the reader. I like it all except a bit of the ending.

Match. Crackle. Pop.

---

Ich war gesteckt in deinen Traum.
Ich nie werden aussteigen.


The "Match. Crackle. Pop." kind of seems to come off as corny in comparison to the rest of the piece. Also, I don't really like how the last two lines are in German. Is there a special meaning to it? If there is, then I understand, but otherwise it seems like a tacky way to end the piece.

Other than that, it's really good and I enjoyed reading it.

EDIT: Also, for some reason, the use of the word "booze" felt odd to me.
#6
The match crackle pop part wasn't there originally, I just wanted to get input on it before I completely threw it out. The German excerpt is supposed to be a tad ironic, since dreams don't make sense, and it is basically saying "I was trapped in your dream. I was never getting out." But I'll consider what you said.

Thanks everyone.
#7
The first two stanza's are really great. So descriptive of the emotion and the scene it's about to set up.

coward’s quivering caress

That line right there is fantastic. The first person paragraph I thought was very good. Everything was on topic and can keep a reader interested.

I didn't really care for the Riddle me this and on. I think it hurts the rest of the piece. It didn't seem the time for introspective questions about the father and what you would like to do with him. Where the rest of the piece is where someone is in a fragile state, this just throws it off.

I can’t. I can’t do this. Even if I say that I would, it just
makes me sick to speak. Even with what you did.
Not like this. Not vice versa. Not like this.

Not like this


This is good. So if you could work something else around to keep this in, it'd work great. It really conveys again what I said about him being in a fragile state, angry, but still fragile. Emotional definately. The german is a nice touch.
#8
great , really, I have not much to say, as I couldn't do this better
just a little remark, about the german: the last line doesn't seem right to me (I don't know if it supposed to be a correct german sentence, but yeah) because you subject 'ich' doesn't correspond to the verb 'werden', and 'nie' is not in the right place it should be 'Ich werde nie aussteigen'