#1
i hope this doesn't poop all over me after WotM

how can a human being be so appealing;
the reflection of ripples through the network of our pasts
occassionally touching, a fleeting altitude of emotion
and the hollow cliffs between.
these moments,
between seeing a photo and reviving
experiences is the easiest time to slip
out of the creases we made in eachother
and meet my idea of you
at night somewhere that has meaning.
'god damn every town between us'.
it is never the places we are,
or the people we are,
but whether the pure core of string theory is deciding
if we will kiss or say nothing.

i used to like potential,
the way it would shimmer and go transperant
and not be thought of. i used to think
that you could be everything that i would ever want
in a life suffocated by wet towels and mcdonald's bags,
but now maybe it's better to look at life, flying or else driving
to another destination with my body under water and my head in a wave.
a little goodbye, you and life leaving.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Jul 23, 2010,
#4
this was good. but it's 1:30, and i don't feel qualified to leave a good critique right now. so i'll be back. hopefully.

Quote by Joshua1207
Stole a Built To Spill song title, cool.



it's not like there isn't 79516530 songs called Believe...
chill, brah.
#5
Hmm...takes several reads to get the gist of it. I do enjoy the tone of it. I thought the "god damn every town between us, it is never the places we are" was an awesome line. I do enjoy how you switch up you're writing from one piece to the next, it never really gets stale. All in all it was pretty good, I just never do good with that kind of format and can never get a good flow. Maybe I'm just tired too, lol. Have a good one.
Last edited by Partyboy2k05 at Jul 23, 2010,
#6
Quote by Joshua1207
Stole a Built To Spill song title, cool.


Yeah, cause i can't use those words in the same order ever. Sorry
#7
I don't know what just happened to the longish post I had typed up, but now it's gone. Whoa.

Anyways, I dislike the line break between reviving and experiences in the first stanza, but besides that the whole stanza is really good. I particularly like the first five lines.

The second stanza was even better, although having transparent twice bugs me. Maybe change one of them to translucent? It's icky otherwise. The ending is picture perfect though, exempting that.

All in all, the piece is very nice. By far not one of your best though.