#1
Finished this about two hours ago I was in a rut for a year so I was glad to get something written. Let me know what you think and if you have anything that you want to critiqued on, I'll do it for you.

If I could just slow down time
I'd bask in your aura
Ride the waves of your laughter
Take a dive in your eyes
Run my fingers through the field of your hair
And be happily ever after

And then she screamed out
Stay a little longer baby
Stay a little
And she screamed out
Stay a little longer baby
Stay a little
And she screamed out
Stay a little longer baby
Stay a little
And she screamed out
My name

Your love plays the strings of my heart
That smile drives me wild
I'd travel round for miles
Just to make figure 8's on your hips today
So don't leave just yet
Please don't get on that jet

And then I scream out
Stay a little longer baby
Stay a little
And I scream out
Stay a little longer baby
Stay a little
And I scream out
Stay a little longer baby
Stay a little
And I screamed out
Her name

Is this the part where we share our last kiss
Is this the part where I say I'll miss
Is this the part where I see your face on T.V.
Is this the part where our book ends

And her fans scream out
Stay a little longer please
Stay a little
And her fans scream out
Stay a little longer please
Stay a little
And her fans scream out
Stay a little longer please
Stay a little
And they screamed out
Her name
talk to me
and i better not hear a word
do me baby
i better not feel it girl
i still got one bullet left in my nine
finna do a love crime
love crime
finna do a love crime

lovecrimes -- frank ocean

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Last edited by Fearless(Times) at Jul 23, 2010,
#2
I liked most of it. I didn't particularly like the change of direction of the story at the end. The part with "her fans". To me, it muds up the story some. Is she a rockstar or something? I liked all the rest of it up till then. good work

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=24785820#post24785820
MIM Tele
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other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!
#3
I'm gonna have to agree, I don't like the change of direction. Otherwise I liked it. I imaged bluesy clean single notes during the verses, overdriven/distorted powerchords during the chorus, and muted strum and slash during the 'is this where we share our last kiss' part.

An I feel you about the rut man, its the biggest pain

EDIT: Almost forget, c4c? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=24795093#post24795093
I'll pretend I can mod your amp but break it instead.
#4
Quote by Clutch32192
I liked most of it. I didn't particularly like the change of direction of the story at the end. The part with "her fans". To me, it muds up the story some. Is she a rockstar or something? I liked all the rest of it up till then. good work

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=24785820#post24785820



Awww thank you man. Yeah I kind of wasn't too sure about the last chorus either at first but it eventually grew on me.

Quote by guitarlord28
I'm gonna have to agree, I don't like the change of direction. Otherwise I liked it. I imaged bluesy clean single notes during the verses, overdriven/distorted powerchords during the chorus, and muted strum and slash during the 'is this where we share our last kiss' part.

An I feel you about the rut man, its the biggest pain

EDIT: Almost forget, c4c?


I had written this with my acoustic guitar playing chord inversions, like Incubus and John Mayer style chords with a Jeff Buckley style, but I like your musical direction a lot more. Do you mean kind of like John Mayer's Slow Dancing in a Burning Room or Red Hot Chili Peppers Dani California? I'll comment on yours after I check out Clutch's.


Oh yeah do you guys have any idea how I can maybe change the story. Maybe make it a more romantic song than bittersweet.
talk to me
and i better not hear a word
do me baby
i better not feel it girl
i still got one bullet left in my nine
finna do a love crime
love crime
finna do a love crime

lovecrimes -- frank ocean

Tumblr
Last edited by Fearless(Times) at Oct 25, 2011,
#6
Thank you bbouch789. I appreciate that.
talk to me
and i better not hear a word
do me baby
i better not feel it girl
i still got one bullet left in my nine
finna do a love crime
love crime
finna do a love crime

lovecrimes -- frank ocean

Tumblr