#1
The glitter on your neck,
When it falls on my lips,
Tastes like the frigid Pacific
Before the sun kisses its cheek.

How far removed it feels,
When my sopping back
Is playing slip-and-slide
With a gen-Y gearshift.

The corners of your mouth are so sly,
That your tongue might be forked.
The Ethiopian caramel that drips from your bones
Is oppressive and arresting.

Your words are like numbers
Spelling countdown to take-off;
T-minus six measures
Of death throes from the radio.

Though my knees are aching from tension.
Tattooed by the carpet.
Wrapping the plexiglass frame.
Bowing the axle.
Against the steadfast blacktops,


We're both lost at sea.
#2
I like your words, but I scoff at your so-called "punctuation."

peace
#4
Quote by Nilchii
I like your words, but I scoff at your so-called "punctuation."

peace


By putting that period inside the quotation marks, you are perpetuating an American punctuational error that has persisted for generations.

Also, judging by its context, I am assuming you are using "peace" as a command, "peace" as an intransitive verb, and the "you" being implied. It should be capitalized, with a period at the end.

I know the punctuation at the end was wrong. It was done for effect.

Thanks for the compliments about my words, though. =)

Quote by Bleed Away
Leif Ericson day?


Nope, that's in October. Leif Ericson was a Norse explorer and sailor who lived in the late 10th century to about 1020 AD, widely considered to be the first European to discover the Americas.
#5
Overall, i thought it was was sorta mysterious and cryptic, and i liked it.
My favorite part was the second stanza, I really liked the imagery in that particular stanza as well as the whole piece.
Last edited by cal1fub3ralle5 at Jul 23, 2010,
#6
Quote by cal1fub3ralle5
Overall, i thought it was was sorta mysterious and cryptic, and i liked it.
My favorite part was the second stanza, I really liked the imagery in that particular stanza as well as the whole piece.


Thanks! Actually, this was an autobiographical one, rather than just wordplay and fantasies. It was very refreshing. I'm beginning to understand the importance of emotional content. Imagine that.
#8
I got caught up on the second and third stanzas. Loved the imagery there. drrty.


Quote by Nilchii
I like your words, but I scoff at your so-called "punctuation."

peace


scoffing? really?
My god, you are such a tool.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#10
I liked this despite not being able to really see what the heck was going on.

I like the image of the sun kissing the cheek of the pacific, even though a peck does not seem like enough to warm an ocean. Why, anyways, is the glitter frigid? That is odd if it comes from a neck. Is it from the neck of a corpse? Also, why is it falling from the neck? Falling seems like an odd thing for glitter to do to get from a neck into someone's mouth to be tasted.

I'm not sure what people mean on this website when they use the term "imagery", but I am having trouble seeing that second stanza, other than a slip-and-slide--which existed in my uncle's backyard, oh about fifteen years ago, but would not fit well in a car. I see me sliding across a long rubbery yellow mat into a 6" pool, but I'm not sure that is the "image" you want here. Tell me I'm wrong, but we've crossed the territory into sloppy 3rd base here? and the giver is not too pleased about being the giver? This is, of course, me scratching my head at the context of the poem.

My last nitpick is to try your damndest to avoid using too many "to be" verbs, as they are boring, and the only stanza where you do not do that is the first--which is your best one. In some of the others you do it twice, but always at least once. Use your verbs!

Also, last bit... why say Gen-Y and not Generation Y? I think it sounds better fully spelled out. That's all!

Jordan

PS. Also, if you'd like to get me back, please check out my poem at:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1341160
#11
no worries.

and not necessarily a crit, but if you read the pigeon hunter link in my sig and feel compelled to comment on something, then that would be lovely.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#12
Quote by JordanZZ
I liked this despite not being able to really see what the heck was going on.

I like the image of the sun kissing the cheek of the pacific, even though a peck does not seem like enough to warm an ocean. Why, anyways, is the glitter frigid? That is odd if it comes from a neck. Is it from the neck of a corpse? Also, why is it falling from the neck? Falling seems like an odd thing for glitter to do to get from a neck into someone's mouth to be tasted.

I'm not sure what people mean on this website when they use the term "imagery", but I am having trouble seeing that second stanza, other than a slip-and-slide--which existed in my uncle's backyard, oh about fifteen years ago, but would not fit well in a car. I see me sliding across a long rubbery yellow mat into a 6" pool, but I'm not sure that is the "image" you want here. Tell me I'm wrong, but we've crossed the territory into sloppy 3rd base here? and the giver is not too pleased about being the giver? This is, of course, me scratching my head at the context of the poem.

My last nitpick is to try your damndest to avoid using too many "to be" verbs, as they are boring, and the only stanza where you do not do that is the first--which is your best one. In some of the others you do it twice, but always at least once. Use your verbs!

Also, last bit... why say Gen-Y and not Generation Y? I think it sounds better fully spelled out. That's all!

Jordan

PS. Also, if you'd like to get me back, please check out my poem at:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1341160


Well, I wasn't really considering the physics of energy transfer with regards to temperature for the first bit.

The "glitter" is sweat. It's just more interesting to put it that way than to out and say it.

That stanza was pretty literal. A sweaty back slipping against a gearshift.

I'm thinking you might be reading into these metaphors a little much. It's very boring to write a poem that's literal, without a little bit of surrealism. When I write "playing slip-and-slide," it presumably creates an image in a reader's head about something that's probably wet and sliding around. It's irrelevant that there is also a range of products you can buy which are colloquially known as "slip-and-slides."

Yeah, to be verbs can be boring if they are in abundance, but I'd be hard-pressed to find a popular song that doesn't contain any.

Saying "generation" just didn't work with regards to the flow of the poem.

Thanks for the crit.
#13
Quote by Chaingarden
Well, I wasn't really considering the physics of energy transfer with regards to temperature for the first bit.


But, you should consider what it means to kiss a cheek. If anything, the sun does not kiss the cheek of the pacific. The sun becomes the pacific. The sun laps and gets real deep into the pacific. The sun does some kama sutra fourteen hour sessions with the pacific.

The "glitter" is sweat. It's just more interesting to put it that way than to out and say it.


The problem is that the word "glitter" has connotations. When I read it I assumed these people had been out at a dance club. This girl has glitter on her, (and I assume the sex of the speaker.) People wear glitter. "Frigid," also, has connotations. If the glitter is cold--the sweat is cold--then that is a very telling detail, however if the "frigid" only applies to the ocean--well, in this case it doesn't. Frigid sweat is a very, very odd and telling detail. But what does it say? You are seeing, I hope, the seeds you've planted.

That stanza was pretty literal. A sweaty back slipping against a gearshift.

I'm thinking you might be reading into these metaphors a little much. It's very boring to write a poem that's literal, without a little bit of surrealism. When I write "playing slip-and-slide," it presumably creates an image in a reader's head about something that's probably wet and sliding around. It's irrelevant that there is also a range of products you can buy which are colloquially known as "slip-and-slides."


The problem is that the scene or what is happening is not defined enough to be able to tell immediately that it is a metaphor. The only word that gives this stanza it's setting is the final word: "gearshift". Before that, I didn't know the setting is in a car. The images of the yellow plastic slip and slide are all we have, and it's a hard image to let go of. When I read "gearshift", I went "huh?" To compound matters, you use the word "sopping", which is most often used in two connotations: when one exists the shower or the pool, but it's always proceeding some erotica.

Yeah, to be verbs can be boring if they are in abundance, but I'd be hard-pressed to find a popular song that doesn't contain any.


Just because all of the cool kids are jumping off the bridge, doesn't mean you have to. IE. Popularity doesn't make it right.

Saying "generation" just didn't work with regards to the flow of the poem.


I disagree, but I'm not hearing you read it. I'm hearing myself read it.

Also, it's not my poem, so we can disagree all night and day. You know, you do it how you want to do it.
#14
Quote by JordanZZ
But, you should consider what it means to kiss a cheek. If anything, the sun does not kiss the cheek of the pacific. The sun becomes the pacific. The sun laps and gets real deep into the pacific. The sun does some kama sutra fourteen hour sessions with the pacific.


The problem is that the word "glitter" has connotations. When I read it I assumed these people had been out at a dance club. This girl has glitter on her, (and I assume the sex of the speaker.) People wear glitter. "Frigid," also, has connotations. If the glitter is cold--the sweat is cold--then that is a very telling detail, however if the "frigid" only applies to the ocean--well, in this case it doesn't. Frigid sweat is a very, very odd and telling detail. But what does it say? You are seeing, I hope, the seeds you've planted.


The problem is that the scene or what is happening is not defined enough to be able to tell immediately that it is a metaphor. The only word that gives this stanza it's setting is the final word: "gearshift". Before that, I didn't know the setting is in a car. The images of the yellow plastic slip and slide are all we have, and it's a hard image to let go of. When I read "gearshift", I went "huh?" To compound matters, you use the word "sopping", which is most often used in two connotations: when one exists the shower or the pool, but it's always proceeding some erotica.


Just because all of the cool kids are jumping off the bridge, doesn't mean you have to. IE. Popularity doesn't make it right.


I disagree, but I'm not hearing you read it. I'm hearing myself read it.

Also, it's not my poem, so we can disagree all night and day. You know, you do it how you want to do it.


Well, that's fair. I mean, I disagree with most of those things entirely and earnestly, but it's completely fair.
#15
Quote by Chaingarden
Thanks man. This is one of my favorites I've written lately, so it's nice to hear other people like it too. Is there one you'd like me to crit?
I love hearing writers admitting, unafraid, that something they've written is as good as the rest of us read it as.

#19
this piece is wonderful- more deserving of WotW than most. an elegantly dirty piece. I must say, sex makes for some of the best metaphors and imagery. I find this piece is also offset by a haunting quality to it that depicts something other than romantic sex- there is an obvious frigid quality to this that makes the piece interesting and probing, asking the reader to ponder on what could have been done to arrive at this state of attraction/intimacy.

I very much enjoy the fact that you're not afraid of adding crazy things like spaces and.. gasp! punctuation. your words were chosen very well, and the glitter metaphor is intriguing- your style is very reminiscent of Blake but without the long-windedness, in my opinion.

these are my favourite lines:
Though my knees are aching from tension.
Tattooed by the carpet.
Wrapping the plexiglass frame.
Bowing the axle.

well done.
#20
Grats dude.

While we know my opinions on this piece, I'll admit that I read some of your other work and I like your Tom Waits-esq voice a hell of a lot. (I wouldn't put this in that category, but whatever.) Also, I listened to some of your recordings, and you and I have some similar tastes in music, I'm sad to say. Some of your recordings are pretty damned sweet.

Grats again!
#21
Wow, thanks! I wasn't expecting this. Thanks also for the nice words guys.

Thanks, Jordan, I'm glad you like my music, and also pleased you see the Tom Waits influence =) I'm a big fan.

It's okay, similar music tastes doesn't necessarily mean similar writing tastes. We like getting to many of the same places, probably. We just take different roads there.