#1
This kind of came from just the "then how come what I say moves you" line. Just kind of grew from there. Quite a change of pace from what I normally write. Definately a different style, format, and concept for me. Enjoy.


She spoke...

I cringed.

Like a balled up paper. She knows those
creases will never come out.

Permanent. Broken goods.

She knows it. She says,
"Well if actions speak louder than words,
then how come what I say moves you?"

So I ran...

I'll iron myself, where only remnants of a scar remain.
There is no escape though.

Those soundwaves reverberate through my being like a hollow cavern.
Every deafening decibel hits with deadly precision.

I collapsed

A pile of rubble.
Unrecognized. Demoralized.

So I wept.

There were no more reactions. No voice to move me.
Just the distant echo.
#2
Quote by Partyboy2k05
This kind of came from just the "then how come what I say moves you" line. Just kind of grew from there. Quite a change of pace from what I normally write. Definately a different style, format, and concept for me. Enjoy.


She spoke...

I cringed.

Like a balled up paper. She knows those
creases will never come out.
A bit of an "out there" metaphor, but all the same I liked it. "those/creases" didn't flow very well as a line break to me.

Permanent. Broken goods.

She knows it. She says,
"Well if actions speak louder than words,
then how come what I say moves you?"
The speech was a bit awkwardly worded IMO, I assume it's being quoted from somewhere though, so yeah. Not much you can do about it. The flow was better here.

So I ran...

I'll iron myself, where only remnants of a scar remain.
There is no escape though.

Those soundwaves reverberate through my being like a hollow cavern.
Every deafening decibel hits with deadly precision.
I loved this pair of couplets right here. The alliteration ("deafening decibel") worked very well with the idea of reverberation.

I collapsed

A pile of rubble.
Unrecognized. Demoralized.

So I wept.

There were no more reactions. No voice to move me.
Just the distant echo.
Very nice finish there, good sir. I take my hat off to you. I liked how there were a few consistent themes throughout, and said themes failed to become stale; that's often a forgotten art nowadays. I wasn't a fan of the form- the flow got a bit shredded on occasion due to the small stanzas. Well, who am I to criticise flow?


If you're into the whole C4C business, I'd love you to perform some necromancy on "Chrysalis". It's in my signature.
#3
There are things I like about this, and stuff I feel could use some revamping. Also, the most important thing I can tell you--and the easiest/most helpful for you to fix--is for you to be careful of your tense agreements. You switch around some between past and the present, and I'm not sure if you are aware that you're doing it. If it's conscious, and you intend time changes, then it's okay, but it is hard to tell.

ex.

"She spoke..." (past tense)

"She knows..." (present tense)

"I'll iron myself, where only remnants of a scar remain."
(future) (present).

There are other examples.

If you're talking about putting an iron on a scar to remove the remnant of a scar, then you're grammatically fine... the narrator jumps a level into the crazy (which is good), and it's grammatically okay, but I'm not sure if that's your intention. Putting an iron on skin won't help, sadly. Does the narrator know this? Is it a metaphor or is the character considering ironing his arm? To be honest, the poem becomes much more interesting if he's a masochist. There is something entirely revolting, appealing and intriguing about a character who would take an iron to a scar. That scar must have one hell of a story. I realize that the bareness of this poem adds to my confusion; it is very short, which makes finding meaning very difficult.

Another piece of advice, and feel free to disagree with me, is the bridging into sentimentality. As far as I've seen/been taught, sentimentality is the poet's (and all literature/cinema/etc.) worst nightmare. A quick lesson on sentimentality: when emotions are told, rather than shown, you're probably being sentimental. If you want the reader to feel something, you have to show the reader what made the character feel it. The reader does not like to be told what to feel, but if you see it. You begin to do this with the girl's dialogue, but it's not quite enough. Add more... and make it hurt.

As for the parts I think are sentimental:

So I ran...

I'll iron myself, where only remnants of a scar remain.
There is no escape though.

Those soundwaves reverberate through my being like a hollow cavern.
Every deafening decibel hits with deadly precision.

I collapsed

A pile of rubble.
Unrecognized. Demoralized.

So I wept.

There were no more reactions. No voice to move me.
Just the distant echo.

What is it that is echoing anyway?

I may have completely misread this poem, and if that's how you end up feeling, I apologize, but like I said, it is very, very bare-bones. I know I am not teaching a lesson here, and if I've crossed a line from critiquer to lecturer than I apologize, and hope that I've not insulted you. Let me know if you have questions. Also, remember your tenses.

Best,

Jordan
#4
The format is mainly set up for a lot of pauses. There is nothing literal about the iron, it's in reference to the paper creases and emotional scars, hence the cringe being compared to paper. I don't see the issue with the past tense since everything is after the fact of what she said and my reaction of cringing. The echo is in relation to, again, her words and how the character felt like a hollow cave.

I might switch those to these. I didn't really follow a format to be honest. I just wrote it and placed everything where it felt right. Again, this was a bit out of my comfort zone for writing and was really just an experiment. Thanks guys.