#1
Slightly impaired
Greatly exaggerated
lately I've fared
Better evaporated

I don't know where
But I'm glad that we're separated
Seems to be there
everything's black or shaded

Always I've felt
Rather un operated
Unlobotomized
My hope has faded

Escalate
and mascarade it
off the brink
it's been shaded
Last edited by cal1fub3ralle5 at Jul 23, 2010,
#2
Wow, this was so strange. The first stanza was my favorite, particularly the last two lines. The second stanza was alright, though it really didn't add too much depth, except for the fact that there is another character present. I would change "my hope has faded." It's been done. Last stanza is cool.

If there's a tangible story here, it isn't obvious. I sort of like it that way, but if you're actually trying to send a massage, there's some clarity to be worked on.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1341674
#3
Quote by Chaingarden
Wow, this was so strange. The first stanza was my favorite, particularly the last two lines. The second stanza was alright, though it really didn't add too much depth, except for the fact that there is another character present. I would change "my hope has faded." It's been done. Last stanza is cool.

If there's a tangible story here, it isn't obvious. I sort of like it that way, but if you're actually trying to send a massage, there's some clarity to be worked on.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1341674

Thanks for the comment. There isn't really a story in it, it was meant to be a bunch of lines to convey how i felt at the time. A bunch of randomness really. And i also thought the ''my hope has faded'' line sounded really cliched but i couldn't think of anything else.
I was thinking of making it ''my hope is shaded'' and then changing the last line to faded but i just left it as it originally was.
And sure, ill comment on yours shortly.
#4
I like it.
Although the second stanza is a little jumbled. It could be condensed a little bit.

And like what Chaingarden said, I don't see a real story here. But that's not exactly a bad thing, the Red hot chili peppers did that alllllllll the time.