#1
it's not finished.
figured i'd get some feedback.
fresh angles and all that.

i'll leave you the lead
with a tip of the hat
before you kick it off it's axis
and toss it right back
ripping at the bone
before the skin sags
your blowin off daisies
while i just shadow the pack
twitchy finger trigger happy
to quick on your feet
with the crooks at your back
and the earth underneath
this all ****ing started
place the blame, lets see
i hate to ****ing say it
it's all because of me
spitting free bullets
riddled with gold teeth
choppin at the cheddar
you always handled the beef
feathered and tarred
with unshakeable flaws
but somehow you manage
easily stacking the odds
when you'd collected the sum
you left your heart on the cross
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.
#2
I figured since you commented mine, I'd return the favor.

Quote by miloh.core

i'll leave you the lead
with a tip of the hat
before you kick it off it's axis
and toss it right back

I like these first four lines a lot, although at first I was a little confused about the first line. I really like the 'with a tip of the hat'/'and toss it right back' couplet and the imagery of the third line.

ripping at the bone
before the skin sags
your blowin off daisies
while i just shadow the pack

I don't like these lines as much, they don't seem to have the same flow as the first four, and I don't really understand what the fourth line here means?

twitchy finger trigger happy
too quick on your feet
with the crooks at your back
and the earth underneath

The first line here doesn't seem to really fit the rest of the lyrics/poem, it almost seems...silly? I really do like the next three lines, it flows well and sounds very cool.
this all ****ing started
place the blame, lets see
i hate to ****ing say it
it's all because of me

These lines will work if you're in a -core song genre because it sounds like similar to a lot of the stuff I hear in hardcore music, etc, but if you're shooting for any other genre, I'd recommend finding other words to substitute for '****ing' because, to me, it always feels like a 'filler' word, used just to make a line work better rhythmically.


I have to go right now but I'll get to the rest later. Overall, I like it, I just feel like there are some lines that feel forced and some that are ambiguous.