#1
You feed on us from the top of the heap
Then you're done you toss us out like something cheap
War monger, exchanging bodies for gold
Strife bringer, counting up the lies you sold
Well what you sow is what you reap
And what you see is what you keep
Just remember that

Death and misery go hand in hand
Death and misery go hand in hand
Nothing permament's made outta sand
You probably would understand from where you are
But I gotta stop wishing on that stupid star

You operate unknown, unseen, and underground
Puppet master creeping along without a sound
When you want you place the call, make the curtain fall
Well you know you know the play
You know the act, the scene, the line, you know it all
Just remember that

Death and misery go hand in hand
Death and misery go hand in hand
Nothing permament's made outta sand
You probably wouldn't understand from where you are
But I gotta stop wishing on that stupid star

The dogs are barking, can't you see
They know what's buried in the forest full of fallen trees
Secrets that lie buried deep
Hold things that disturb our sleep
They hold things that make us weep
The solution's closing in, but so far
Why'd I ever wish on that stupid star?

Death and misery go hand in hand
Strife and war go there too
You can't patch it up with tape and glue
I know you wouldn't understand from where you are
It's time for me to stop with that stupid star

Style wise its like Cage the Elephant, the White Stripes, the Arctic Monkeys, that kinda stuff. Focusing more on rhythm that melody. As usual, c4c
I'll pretend I can mod your amp but break it instead.
#2
This is one of those angry poems that is directed at what can be called "the man". It's a bit heavy-handed, redundant and one sided, conjuring images of vultures and money-hungry monsters who pray on the innocent.

"Death and misery go hand in hand
Death and misery go hand in hand
Nothing permament's made outta sand"

I just wanted to say that glass and concrete are both made out of sand, and last for a good while. This section, though, actually reminds me of a Rage Against the Machines type of repetition. So that's a good thing. =p

I'd be careful with your rhymes. They feel forced at times (and nonsensical at others) and having them all single syllable--one line after another--is a bit too in-your-face, if you know what I mean.

I wonder, why are you writing this poem, and who specifically is it directed at? I think you need to narrow the focus. What made you write this poem? Start from the beginning, and be specific.

Jordan
#3
This is really good. It's kind of like you want people to know about everything going on outside of our countries that so many people are ignorant too or choose to ignore.

You operate unknown, unseen, and underground
Puppet master creeping along without a sound
When you want you place the call, make the curtain fall
Well you know you know the play
You know the act, the scene, the line, you know it all
Just remember that

&

The dogs are barking, can't you see
They know what's buried in the forest full of fallen trees
Secrets that lie buried deep
Hold things that disturb our sleep
They hold things that make us weep
The solution's closing in, but so far
Why'd I ever wish on that stupid star?


Are probably my favorite parts. Especially the part with the dogs barking about the dead bodies underneath them in the forest full of fallen trees. That was a nice use of imagery right there. Some rhymes do sound a tad bit forced but I think you can just change them to a synonym, so it changes the rhyme scheme a little bit. Like don't always rhyme, check out Jeff Buckley's Grace to get what I mean.

This is the post that I read a day or two before I wrote my song and it definitely helped a lot for my rhyme scheme and imagery. Go down to where it says Alt. Rhyming and read that post. The Songwriting and Lyrics thread I think once you read that and change up your rhyme scheme a little bit this could be an even greater poem/song since you'll be able to say what you want without having to rhyme every line.
talk to me
and i better not hear a word
do me baby
i better not feel it girl
i still got one bullet left in my nine
finna do a love crime
love crime
finna do a love crime

lovecrimes -- frank ocean

Tumblr
#4
Jordan:

It's more of a song than a poem, and I dunno exactly why I wrote it. It just came to me during work and I wrote it all down. Mind you, I've been listening to a lot of Cage the Elephant, so it has a bit of a political point of view, if you know what I mean. If I had to pinpoint it, it would be about the gov't, specifically the military branches. How they think whatever they do is right, and that we need to do something about it instead of just talking (ex. I gotta stop wishing on that stupid star -> its time to do something, not just sitting around wishing) And thank you for being the person who had to contradict the sand part, I was waiting for that

Fearless:

Yeah, I was feeling a bit unsure about some of the first verse, and a bit of the second. I want to work on the rhymes but keep the image
I'll pretend I can mod your amp but break it instead.
#5
Cage the Elephant is awesome. Their album is amazing.
talk to me
and i better not hear a word
do me baby
i better not feel it girl
i still got one bullet left in my nine
finna do a love crime
love crime
finna do a love crime

lovecrimes -- frank ocean

Tumblr
#6
You can say that again (did you notice my sig?). But, can you see what I was kinda aiming for in the lyrics? That rhythmic delivery?
I'll pretend I can mod your amp but break it instead.
#7
Yeah I got the rhythmic feeling. Something kind of fast and rough like In One Ear or Tiny Little Robots.
talk to me
and i better not hear a word
do me baby
i better not feel it girl
i still got one bullet left in my nine
finna do a love crime
love crime
finna do a love crime

lovecrimes -- frank ocean

Tumblr
#8
Yes! Thank you. I need to work on the rhyme scheme though
I'll pretend I can mod your amp but break it instead.