#1
A Short Story I'm only just begining to work on, and this is just a rough idea of how I want the characters to appear, its not finished, and will go through a lot of drafting, just looking for any input, and suggestions. mind the poor puncuation haha
Cheers

Dead The Raven

The smoke billowed effortlessly to the ceiling of Mark Hallward’s one bedroom apartment. Cigarette butts littered the timber flooring and the man sat in the small two seat vinyl couch that decorated the living room. Mark was a musician originally, performing in a jazz quartet since early adulthood, now in his mid thirties he considered his youth gone and devoted his life to more mature things, wine testing, art galleries and he set out to become an acclaimed author, all of his “more adult ventures failed miserably, he dislike wine, couldn’t understand art and his writing seemed immature and deluded, all these things broke the once handsome, vibrant youth, and in this, the very deepest of self loathing and continual brood Mark had discovered his truest of loves, a cocktail of prescription and illicit drugs, codeine, morphine, cocaine, marijuana, oxycodone, his five beautiful women.

A rapping on the door echoed through the room, vacant as it would seem, for nothing confined to the space had any inklings of a soul. Mark tried to moisten his dry pasty mouth, to no avail he crackled out the invitation “come in” the brass door knob rotated and the lock popped and in walked in Sonny Dayme, an African American, the bass player for Mark’s quartet, and arguably the only man that could ever grow close to the human Rubik’s cube that Hallward seemed to be, Sonny instantly began brushing smoke out of his face “shit, man too much of that weed is going to put you to bed soon”
Mark’s glazed eyes rolled to the direction of Sonny and he smiled “least I ain’t getting glaucoma” Sonny rolled his eyes and sat on the coffee table “we got another gig man, tonight, so your gonna have ‘ta pull your head out the clouds and shape up if we’re gonna pull it off”
“Have we ever failed before Sonny?”
“There was that one night you passed out mid solo from that morphine overdose”
“yeah, and how many gigs have we played overall”
“’Bout a hundred”
“Odds are looking pretty good Sonny boy” Mark smiled as he inhaled more of the joint he held in his hand and again put his focus to the wall, he didn’t even notice Sonny leave.
#2
Okay. To start... be careful with your details. If they are inconsequential, try to make them consequential. I don't care that he is sitting on a "small two seat vinyl couch that decorated the living room." Make up interesting details. Give him a parrot or something. Also, be careful using that much paraphrasing / back story so soon. It makes it seem as if this will turn into a Lifetime original drama. In an effort to attack both of those complaints of mine, I'd try describing his face in a way that would sort of foreshadow his character traits. He's a 40 year old drug addict. They have a very interesting look about them. Describe him.

Be careful with your first sentences. When I read "Smoke billowed effortlessly" I want to stop reading. I am a snob, but, still, this is redundant. Whatever smoke does, it is always effortlessly. Smoke does not exert effort ever. But now that I'm on it, your smoke should not "billow", either, unless something substantial is on fire, or a chimney is clogged and the room is filling with smoke. Joint smoke is not intense enough to billow.

Consider starting this story elsewhere, where there is more at stake, and some immediate tension. TENSION. Remember that word. It's important.

If I were you I'd not post stuff up here so early in the writing process. "First drafts are shit," says Hemingway. Revise, revise, revise. Still, I'd say if you know what is going to happen here, keep at it, and even if you don't, it's fun to keep going and find out where it's going to go.

Jordan
#3
thats for the input, some mighty fine input actually, made some blarringly obviously points really stick out like dogs balls so I'll look over it and see what i can make of it
#4
It was definately hard to get around the first paragraph since it was mainly just one huge run on sentence. But you already pointed out the punctuation, so I can't be too critical of that. Definately could use more descriptions of the character at hand. We want to get a basis of who he really is and whether or not we like him from the start. Ever read a book and even if the character changes over time it's hard to get past that first impression? Same goes for him.

All I got was that he's unhappy, unsuccessful, and likes drugs. Still doesn't tell me much about him. The second paragraph was more coherent. Also had more substance. This could work well. Just think, "who is this guy and why is he worth writing about? Is he an anti-hero, low-life, a redemption man?"
#5
Thanks for the look man, I definitely see where your coming from with the character recognition, mark's a egotisical, arrogant, drug addled prick basically, there is no redemtion, just his slow recessition into a drugged up state of comatose