#1
melt the sky
and eat the clouds
while i drink the dirt
and dream out loud

dead dogs bark
at a blood red moon
deep blue eyes
will be closing soon

all the birds
are caught underground
and the fish
find new ways to drown

if i never told a lie
and never spoke a word
would you be alive
to watch me burn

fresh new graves
under a fading star
these rotted roots
reach out so far

all the birds
are caught underground
and the fish
find new ways to drown
#2
i like it quite a bit.
seems simple and intricate at the same time.
not sure why it hasn't been critted yet.

the only flaw (from my pov)
is the repeating of the third paragraph.
its very minor.
and really doesn't bother me that much.
i just don't see why its necessary.

edit; in the first paragraph,
it might help if you change "out loud",
to "aloud". just a suggestion.
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.
Last edited by miloh.core at Jul 24, 2010,
#3
I quite like your writing. The only part I disagree with is I think that the fourth stanza should be used as the refrain, instead of the third. Overall though, I think this is well done, and I like your imagery.

C4C? Either from my sig would be good.