#1
crit 4 crit, just leave a link and what you want.

Tender Rot from her Tightening;

I woke up and it was raining outside;
the breadth of dawn, the young fawning
gasp that morning brings, a young man wakes—
a haunting recollection of some awful nightmares.
Laying down at night to fall asleep
he dreams of his old lover, in all her beauty.
The slender calves on her skinny legs; tan and rigid
like a runner. The Slovenian jawline, and hard features
that adorn her face as if an "oh, oh, oh! Beauty"
carved into rocky palisades. A pinched voice even so shrill
brings calm to his body, like the plucking
of high-pitched notes on a harp's string.

I woke up and it was raining outside,
in a bed that wasn't mine, she was on the deck smoking
her last from the blue pack she'd always buy.
I was half naked, and my body soured with every wilting drip of rain,
like little rolling leeches pretty
falling through thick hair on my chest and stomach.
"I thought you left." The words fell with the rain off my chin;
and she said, "I know." I turned and walked to her, seaside
day bled light calm over everything, and we embraced;
I smiled an old smile as she wept in my neck,
making muted words, soft like pressed velv—

In old Germany, my mother Russia or Poland, an old tale
tells about how nightmares are played, by the Alp or the Marht.
It slithers or floats in through an open hole, as a snake
or a straw strand and lays on the chest. Never caught
and back away on the turning day, said to look like
a beautiful girl when being watched, the hole blocked, will
bare your children and marry you but slithers away when
hole is left open.


I woke up, and it was raining outside.
The cold shiver of reality, no deck, haven't seen her
in months, motionless in silent air, as the sound of
water hits my air conditioner; left alone after waking;
...In a whisper or a prayer;
my eyes move towards the little
keyhole in my door; and I close them with
grave recognition—
in hope of going back;
in hope of seeing someone
long passtt.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Jul 26, 2010,
#4
I really liked it, Especially the jump from memory to reality. The parallelism of "I woke up, and it was raining outside" helps to tie the different parts together. What is different about the small text part? I liked how that part gave a glimpse into what happens. Well done

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=24785820#post24785820
MIM Tele
Fender Blues Jr NOS
Schecter Omen 6
Squier Strat
Greg Bennett Acoustic
other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!
#5
Quote by IROn 5L1nKY
this sounds like a prog rock song!


I was thinking deathcore. The title, that is. The piece's much better than most -core.
Quote by Skibolky
No one can really fuck with the power of empathy.
#7
I'm tearing my hair out right now in pure frustrated hate at all of you.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#8
Quote by Bleed Away
This sounds like Grime music to me.


Ooh, that's a bit harsh, Fred.
Quote by Skibolky
No one can really fuck with the power of empathy.
#10
i don't get why people continue to spam the thread in a non humorous style but,

i thought this was fantastic. the flow/rhythm/diction/ect/ect was all executed perfectly.
blah blah blah amazing work.
#12
this is beautiful

i like your composure, my god!
the tangents you went off
kept everything new
yet the same

first stanza reflected the most imagery
as i found them to be less grandiose
as the piece proceeded

still strong imagery-
your wording
was wizard like at times
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#14
Surprised the spammers weren't/aren't warned yet. It was pretty blatant.

OnT: This shit is amazing.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#15
I woke up and it was raining outside;
the breadth of dawn, the young fawning
gasp that morning brings, a young man wakes—
I love the use of 'breadth' and how it sounds like breath, which you follow with gasp.
a haunting recollection of some awful nightmares.
Laying down at night to fall asleep
he dreams of his old lover, in all her beauty.
The slender calves on her skinny legs; tan and rigid
good like break here.
like a runner. The Slovenian jawline, and hard features
that adorn her face as if an "oh, oh, oh! Beauty"
The imagery in this entire section is brilliant. I personally don't feel the 'oh, oh, oh' part-it doesn't seem to mesh with the descriptive vocabulary you are using all around it.
carved into rocky palisades. A pinched voice even so shrill
brings calm to his body, like the plucking
of high-pitched notes on a harp's string.
Nice job switching from physical to auditory characteristics.

I woke up and it was raining outside,
in a bed that wasn't mine, she was outside
I don't know how I feel about 'outside' ending two lines in a row.
on the deck smoking her last from the blue pack she'd
always buy. I was half naked, and my body soured with
every wilting drip of rain, like little rolling leeches pretty
Amazing word choice here.
falling through thick hair on my chest and stomach.
"I thought you left." The words fell with the rain off my chin;
and she said, "I know." I turned and walked to her, seaside
day bled light calm over everything, and we embraced;
I smiled an old smile as she wept in my neck,
making muted words, soft like pressed velv—
Interesting how the darker, sad story so quickly transformed into a pleasant moment. I like it.

In old Germany, my mother Russia or Poland, an old tale
tells about how nightmares are played, by the Alp or the Marht.
It slithers or floats in through an open hole, as a snake
or a straw strand and rests on the chest. Never caught
Was this alliteration intentional? It breaks up the flow a bit.
and back away on the turning day, said to look like
a beautiful girl when being watched, the hole blocked, will
bare your children and marry you but slithers away when
hole is left open.
The first time through, I didn't really 'get' this part, but after having read the last stanza, I really like this now.

I woke up, and it was raining outside.
Good repetition.
The cold shiver of reality, no deck, haven't seen her
in months, motionless in silent air, as the sound of
water hits my air conditioner; left alone after waking;
...shut my eyes
this line is very bland compared to the others. If you can express this in another way, I'd say do it.
in hope of going back;
in hope of seeing someone
long passtt.

Wow. that was beautiful. I scrounged to find the few problems I pointed out. I have new lyrics posted in my sig, if you would care to crit back.
#16
Quote by #1 synth
this was so friggan great main man matt. has anyone ever told you that you should write a book?


Speaking of which. I'm about 3/4's done with my novel. I've got...maybe 4 or 5 more chapters to do before it's finished.

Really excited.

Other news; www.passivevoice.tumblr.com

Other other news, I updated this and changed it, the ending was bland. I'm a showman, and I relish in my ability to show off.

I will be reading this at Travonna Coffee House this THURSDAY @ 8:00 ish along with some other stuff in Columbus. If any ya'll can make it.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic