#1
At long last, the moment all of your lives have no doubt been leading up to. It's the Final Countdown to the accolade you've all been voting for, which group of misguided musicians have crafted the greatest metal album of the last 10 years?

To help me present this to you in typically overblown fashion, I present to you my group of specially-chosen panelists to laud/rip the albums you all voted for...


Duncang

The forum's most loved and hated CC and youngest of the panelists brings his analysis to you from the sunny south coast of England. With a musical taste and level of verbosity (or pretense, depending who you ask) that belies his age, he will no doubt offer well-worded and elaborate metaphors for these albums that will stimulate the ones of higher IQ among us. That or be told to "Stop talking out your arse you southern fairy". Plus, we need someone who actually likes BTBAM on here.


Stranglehold

Every good comedy panel need an Irishman. But since this isn't one it wouldn't have mattered if he was on it or not anyway. But whatever the case may be, our favourite lover of extreme music from the Emerald Isle has been drafted onto this panel to offer his humorously scathing insights onto those albums that sound less than 10 years old (Ironic eh?). And undying verbal fellation for the fellow countymen that made it onto the countdown (ooh, a spoiler).


dead-fish

Every crap comedy panel needs a Jew, and who better to be the curmudgeonly git of balance than our favourite man on the Gaza strip? Well, probably Stephen Fry or Mel Brooks, but we don't attract that kind of clientelle, so we settled for ol' deady. Brought on the panel to represent the cynical and bitter among us, expect the downbeat ramblings of ah' fish to make the miserable 80-year old inside you who can no longer masturbate laugh half-heartedly.


Dyer's Eve

No good attention-seeker whos only reason for being on this panel is to inflate his already rotund ego. He's about as funny as Lee Evans on Horse tranquilliser and twice as ugly. He's already wasted enough time self-deprecating in the third-person than anyone should have to bear, so lets get on with it.


There you have it, your four panelists representing the four most important nations on the planet. England, Ireland, Israel and Yorkshire. If you wish to comment on the countdown and talk about how hilarious that Dyers fellow is, please do so here.


Now thats out of the way, let us proceed...
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#2
#30

Between the Buried and Me - The Great Misdirect (2009)



Current trend-setters Between the Buried and Me's latest opus was unsurprisingly a hit amongst the legions of die-hard fans that sporadically come-and-go from this area of the website. But how can you go wrong with an album cover made up of a photoshopped google maps still? This is what the panelists had to say...


Quote by duncang
The Great Misdirect is like the awkward cousin that comes to visit and has to make friends with your friends, just because. As much as some of you guys might perish the thought, Colors is ‘you’ and your avatarless cousin’s coming to stay. But since I should probably talk about the music in some way or another, this is the Colors victory lap, the same style with a few quirks – Swim To The Moon is a full-on prog jam, complete lack of memorability and all – but on the whole, it’s still tasty.



Quote by Stranglehold
Here we have it folks. Reported to have an actual Necromancer in the band, BTBAM, which I can only guess stands for Brazilian Thrash Bastards Against Messiah, unleash another album of insane alcoholic ancient death across the earth. Even listening to this album will give you a bullet belt, so make sure you are appropriately attired. Although the singer is currently in jail for 1st degree poser murder, BTBAM will be back with another demo tape from the depths of the underground to slay once again. All good underground distros will stock this, if it even exists as something other than the soot of burnt Christians.



Quote by dead-fish
All of you are fucking cocksuckers. You can bitch and whine and moan about personal taste as much as you want, you’ll still be just as gay.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
OK, so they can keep it up without succumbing to the wanker's cramp, fair play to the lads, but it sticks to your mind about as effectively as using WD40 as an adhesive to put up posters of your favourite underage actresses in your room. Unlike most of the users here, I don't have any sort of intense hatred for them, I just don't get it. It doesn't have that ability to click that I usually find a good album does. Plus i'm a moderator, I can't let anyone here catch me complimenting them, I have a reputation to keep you know?



And introducing our one-off guest-panelist! May or may not be a fabricated parody of said contributor

Quote by ron666
I really like it in ‘Disease, Injury, Madness’ when there’s that horse noise. I like horses, they’re my favourite animal with a mane.

ron666
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#3
#29

Summoning - Let Mortal Heroes Sing Your Fame (2001)



The second most important metal institution in Switzerland managed to scrape their way into the countdown with their 5th epic Tolkien outing, but the only opinions that really matter are those of our panelists. Lets check out their thoughts on it...


Quote by duncang
Some may listen to this and see themselves traversing the eternal mountains of Morkich-Khazädernen or storming the gates of Dalè Wintonn, the last Elven fortress, but I see it more as a black metal interpretation of the moist, pungent reality of downtime in John Rhys-Davies’ trailer after a hard day trundling around New Zealand. At least that dragon looks happy.



Quote by Stranglehold
I once heard Summoning described as ‘Burzum meets the music from Golden Axe for the Sega… which I can only describe as being perfectly apt. Somewhow, the shittiness of MIDI instruments makes this band great – without sounding like a child’s first keyboard recital, á la Daudi Baldrs. Possibly the only music related to Lord of The Rings I listen to more than the actual movie soundtrack! Puts a myriad of bedroom black metal acts to shame, and leaves them at the shore, as Earendil did when crossing the sea to Aman to seek help from Valar….whoops got carried away there.



Quote by dead-fish
I don't really know what to write about this album. It's just... Ok. Frankly, this music isn't right for a casual listen at home. You either dress up as a barbarian warrior and go all Call Of The Wintermoon in the nearest forest, or you just keep this playing as background music. I did not do the former, so background music it is, and no amount of atmosphere can help background music become more interesting. You need something captivating, something that grabs you, and I didn't find anything of the sort on this album.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
Picture the scene, sat on the 159 bus to Ripon, passing through the picturesque North Yorkshire Dales. I have my sisters old pink mp3 player because my cool red one broke. I scroll over to this album thinking, "I really need something to enhance the experience of this arse-numbingly bumpy bus ride, what better than these Swiss boyos to do just that?". I press play and suddenly my impacted spine was but an afterthought while engrossed in what I can only imagine to be the vast soundscapes of the Swiss alps if Ihsahn was a yodeller. So yeah, it's an alreet album I suppose.



And I take great pleasure in introducing our VERY special guest panelist for this...

Quote by Sir Christoper Lee
Why, I have been following these Swiss fellows ever since Minas Morgul, quite the young visionaries. In fact, I would have loved to have offered to do voiceovers for this album, but alas, I was too busy being Saruman at the time! Oh what an unfortunate irony
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#4
#28

Vader - Litany (2000)




As the turn of the Millenium passed, we were greeted by this Polish lesson in speed and brutality. The fourth salvo in their arsenal is hailed by many as their high-point. But do our panelists agree?... Read on...


Quote by duncang
When I was still finding my feet in the metal world, this is one of those albums I pretended to really love cause I felt like I should. Now that I’m older and almost wiser – wise enough to share a panel with dead-fish, at least – I can see it is indeed pretty ship-shape. Xeper still saws the head off the 13-year-old inside me, and not a lot of albums get the whole child murdering thing right so bravo, Vader.



Quote by Stranglehold
About as intricate and deep as Jordan's latest autobiography, but not necessarily a bad thing. Although there are marginally less references to Peter Andre's penis on Litany.... from what I can gather anyways. What we have here is an absolute no-bullshit death metal, an exercise in beefing up your picking arm. Not to mention the drum sound – like getting punched in the head by Forrest Griffin on every beat. I cant really describe the album in great detail, as its beauty is in its unchanging relentless assault for 29 or so minutes. Just buy it and if you don’t like it, il take it so I can play more than one copy at once and call in sick to work for a brain-melt related injury.



Quote by dead-fish
Wow, it actually got in? I’m surprised, seeing as this great band is constantly forgotten about by all the mongrels in this forum, especially the so-called death metal elitists LIKE KING OF FUCKING KUMBUCHA, WHO LISTEN TO NOTHING BUT THIS CRAP, BUT WOULD NEVER MENTION HOW AWESOME VADER ARE, NOOOO! Fuck you, Ron. Seriously.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
This, for me, is the Reign in Blood of death metal. It's as if they were tasked with having only half-an-hour to show everyone that anything you can do, Poles can do better (and cheaper). Forget Decapitated, Behemoth, Hate et al. THIS is Polish metal at it's absolute finest. I can't think of anyone i've showed this to that likes metal music in general that didn't think anything less that 'Holy blue balls of fuck' when the main riff of Xeper kicked in.



And as you're all probably well aware by now, this is where I introduce a guest panelist. Welcome...


Quote by A Polish immigrant
Oh, Vader, ja, fantasticz, I still could not believe he vas Luke's Vater. Poor Luke. And is it me or douz Palpatine look like ze Pope?
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#5
#27

Mastodon - Leviathan (2004)




It was the album that kicked off the New-Sludge revoltion and had Kerrang's knob firmly jammed up it's arse. But were our panelists as willing to get their willies dirty with it? Keep reading to find out...


Quote by duncang
Even if this was crap, its existence would be validated by that beautiful Blood And Thunder comic it inspired, but as it turns out the album is lovely too. It’s probably their best, consistently interesting, but I find it pretty difficult to swallow for the whole 40-odd minutes. Maybe I should grow a beard?



Quote by Stranglehold
If someone described an album to me as ‘flowing like the very ocean on the cover artwork’, 9 times out of 10 I’d probably strangle them with their vintage cardigan. However, this album is quite the exception. Balancing tangible aggression with well-thought out songwriting skills, and guest appearances from Scott Kelly and the real-life Cletus Neil Fallon, its hard not to like it. Bear in mind Ive sacrificed 100 metal points for even talking about a band on such a big label, so this is the only time I will ever speak of these guys again. If anyone asks, I think they’re neckbeard skinny jeaned faggots.



Quote by dead-fish
I know the general consensus among proper metal fans about Leviathan and Mastodon in general, but this album deserves to be on this kind of list, really. The entire hipster-sludge movement basically started here, at this unifying point of Neurosis, High On Fire, and according to some, Franz Ferdinand. What is now considered a modern classic also spawned a specific sound, production, aesthetic, and just an entirely new group within the broad metal spectrum. Not to mention it gave everybody a new antagonist in the form of Brent Hinds, who was nice enough to not only be a complete asshole, but also be ginger! Twice the hatred towards the same person! Hurrah!



Quote by Dyer's Eve
I'm gonna hold my hands up now, back when this first came out, I was well and truly sucked into the hype of this band. I read the review in Kerrang straight off the shelf of the shop I worked in and bought the album as soon as I had the money. At first I couldn't get enough of it, but admittedly, it's an album that hasn't truly stuck with me. I can still appreciate all the merits of it that had me liking it in the first place, theres no shortage of good headbangable riffs and the album is all very well structured. But the more I listened to it the more it just dulled on me. Maybe it's just all of the student cocks in Leeds bars wearing Mastodon and Kylesa shirts sporting rubbish beards that have subconciously put me off them. Or maybe the constant playing of Blood and Thunder at any rock club I visit. but all in all, decent album, just lacked the staying power.



And I present to you our guest...

Quote by A ginger person
I had no friends before I discovered this album. I looked like a tramp, my beard was going crusty from all of my over-shots and I had an adverse reaction to the Sun. But I went to a Mastodon show, and it was like seeing myself being cloned. Suddenly it was acceptable to look this way! Now I have friends who don't have sex either!
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#6
#26

Necrophagist - Epitaph (2004)



The second opus of widdly-widdly from the German outfit led by the bloke next door. Tech-junkies thought it was the second coming of Satan, but did our panelists?..


Quote by duncang
I love this album. Its organic rehearsal-room sound is endearing and they never sit on one sound for too long. It is also, by the by, the pinnacle of technicality and awesome and guitaring. If only there were more extremely tasteful acoustic covers of it out there!



Quote by Stranglehold
When I was 16, I thought this album was the shit. However, I also thought that getting my index and middle finger stinky while drinking in the woods would be the greatest sexual awakening of my days. So things do change. That is the effect of listening to Necrophagist, the initial ‘whoa cool solo’, before realising the vocalist sounds the exact same the whole way through, and that the songs are just aimless, pure and simple. Theres no aggression, no sense that the album is ever going to fly off the rails. This will be the album that shows people that to write good death metal, you cannot just be proficient – you need passion, which is lacking here. Although things do pick up a bit in some songs, before wandering away again – you get the feeling that if these guys could throw on some old death metal filth instead of wanking over ‘neo-classical’ licks, we could have a new Hellwitch on our hands.



Quote by dead-fish
I remember the days that Necrophagist were still new. I remember Bilzzard posting a link to this awesome new band he found, and how it was funny that a german midget with short hair and a name that carries worse connotations than naming somebody Rimjob can play so well, and arguments about how Necrofagnuts’ (that’s how we called them back then) was actually pronounced.

Honestly? It felt like a novelty band from the get-go. Once you get past the Yngwie-like lead playing (in the truest sense of the word), you hear fairly standard, somewhat repetitive, all around O.K. death metal. This is what you dumbasses are
cumming all over? Keep your mediocre music to yourselves, you bunch of cancerous lumps of shit.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
One thing is for certain, Necrophagist teach us that if you play music too ****ing difficult to sing to, it makes for a crappy live show. For all the mind-bending wank and bitching lead tone, there seems to lack a fundamental intensity, an attribute that is absolutely essential for any praise-worthy death metal album. It's death metal with all the spectacle and none of the flip-your-shitability. A lesson in how to play your instruments and a lesson in how not to write kick-ass riffs. I find it suffers a bit from 'Van Halen' syndrome, people put the album on and wait for the solos to wow them, then wait for the next one. Plus, I can never take these guys seriously now that everytime I hear them, I see Muhammed sat at an office desk, picking his kids up from school and watching 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire'.



Now I bring your our guest panelist...

Quote by insideac
I played Diminished to B for the Berklee people and they said I was totally awesomezorz except for the "silly burping". Pfft, what to they know about good music, stupid old crones.
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#7
#25

Pelican - Australasia (2003)




Instrumental outfit and major player in the 'Post-Metal' game, Pelican have charted in the countdown with their debut effort. But what do our panelists think of the more doom-oriented opening salvo from these lads...


Quote by duncang
Most post-experimental-fallenangel20 metal evokes images of damp, nasty caves and dark evenings in forests, that sort of thing. Australasia’s kind of different though, it sounds like a long walk in a National Park – sun shining, rabbits bounding, riffs punching. That’s probably down to the major keys (which do have to be mentioned once per 100 words anyone writes about Pelican, otherwise their families die) but it’s nice to have a bit of variety. If you haven’t heard this album and want a taste, then Drought at 5:55 is all you need to know.



Quote by Stranglehold
Given every term under the ****ing sun at some stage or another, I don’t know really where to place Pelican…but they are quite a good listen. Besides the brilliant cover art here, theres a great depth to these guys’ sound... its just a pity that their songs drag like monkeys’ arms. Cut 3 minutes off each song and you’re sorted like! Im really not into this whole ‘post-metal’ or whatever the term is, but this is one of the few bands I actually enjoy. Although I did dock them points for not referencing bullet belts even once in their songs. I don’t care if they have no vocals, im just that picky you see. Or elitist, even. HA.



Quote by dead-fish
I generally oppose to this style of ambient metal, because very simply, it's pretentious. It's sickeningly pretentious. Even the bands who are closer to home in this genre, like Om and Neurosis, they come off as incredibly pretentious as well. Honestly, it pisses me off, hearing a band that supposedly thinks I can't comprehend their music.

I'll hand it to Pelican (as well as the aforementioned Om and Neurosis, as well as a couple others probably), that they manage to write good enough music so that their stuck up noses don't get in the way. This album, although being fairly
one-dimensioned, on account of everything generally following the same route (yet another recurring problem with the bands in this genre), is entertaining enough for the first couple of songs to get your attention, and have the rest just playing there in the background. All in all, it's not an unenjoyable release.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
I am most certainly no conoisseur on post-metal and it's roster of bands, and i'll admit that I hadn't heard it until it came up that I had to review it for this. But after 2 listens the one impression I get is some strange balance of dark and light, the sludgy tone crossed with the major keys (I don't particularly want my family dead) offer an atmosphere quite unique in comparison to what graces my CD collection. As much as I definitely don't dislike what i'm hearing I can't really see it as anything i'll listen to beyond it being background music to my surfing of pornographic material or to the anal process of arranging my iTunes music and assigning artwork to albums. God I need a hobby.



And now for our guest panelist...

Quote by fallenangel20
Listening to Pelican reminds me of that Mastodon show I went to a few months ago...

That was a great night.
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#8
#24

Dream Theater - Train of Thought (2003)




Guitars dropped to C and a resolution to be 'Dark and Metally'. Maybe not in them exact words, but maybe our panelists can elaborate further...


Quote by duncang
The fact that we’ve overlooked the magnificent Octavarium in favour of this exercise in almost-good makes me sad. It definitely has some cool parts, but it also has James LaBrie rapping. What do you have to say for yourself, metal forum?



Quote by Stranglehold
Instead of listening to this album, buy a tshirt with the album artwork on it, and unleash torrent after torrent of Sunday morning boner juice on it, to defile it. Much more fun. Plus, you can make up your own lyrics to said action, instead of reading the fucking Korn crap on this piece of shit album.



Quote by dead-fish
THIS IS SHIT! IT’S SHIT! SHIT! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! WHAT IS THIS?! SHIT?! IS IT REALLY? IT IS! IT IS SHIT! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTER, RATHER IT IS SHIT! EXCREMENT! FECES! POOP! HUMAN BOWEL WASTE! CRAP! DUNG! MANUER! SHIT!! SHIT!!! SHIIIIITTTT!!!! Good artwork on the album, though.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
Some nice riffs here and there, and you can't deny that As I Am is probably a gateway for most prog metal newbians. That solo in 'In the Name of God' is pretty good too. But I can never quite get past the feeling that Mr Portnoy was re-living his angst-ridden pubescance throughout this album. The child that resented his stepdad came out in musical form, an approach that suits bands like Avenged Sevenfold more... Wait a sec...



And introducing our guest panelist...

Quote by LucasGtrGod

Ah! I remember the day as if it were yesterday; I was lazing about in my study one beautiful morn when I heard a tertiary modulation to F sharp minor on this album...and it occurred to me that these ‘notes’ that are being played are not just pitches, not just sounds...in fact, in all my years of intense analytical study, I had never even begun to think that each sounding vibration was a vibration of the soul. It was from that moment onwards, on that tranquil morning, that I endeavoured to create sound that vibrated the mind. I assembled a group of my closest peers to help me in this project, and we composed our first opus, ‘Brain Of Thought’, in 2007.

It was widely lauded as a masterpiece, including a reference to being “the greatest sensory experience since Mahler’s first symphony in D major” by The Geraldon Bi-Weekly Gazette.

Bravo, LucasGtrGod, Bravo.
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#9
#23

Isis - Oceanic (2002)




Isis' sophomore effort is widely regarded as a kick-start to the Post-Metal movement. It's importance in regard to the genre is indisputable, but do our panelists like it?...


Quote by duncang
Everyone’s favourite album about incest! Unless of course Wavering Radiant, Celestial or any Cult Of Luna albums are about incest. I think this album’s a bit too bloated, too long and too dense to be enjoyed all the way through to the same extent you’d enjoy each song individually. Especially Weight - that one’s so good it could pass off as a Cult Of Luna song!



Quote by Stranglehold
While not half as good as Panopticon, anything that stinks of Neurosis this much is a definite win in my book. You can really hear this album in Altar of Plague’s newest one too. Hard to describe such a sparse album…I don’t want to go all hyperbole crap on it, like Ive seen so many others do, so I wont. Its just a cool album, and definitely worth a listen. ‘The Other’ is a definite highlight, could match anything on ‘Through Silver In Blood’ not a bother.



Quote by dead-fish
Ah, Isis. The flagship of the snob brigade called post-metal. I remember hearing one of their albums, can't recall which, but I remember thinking it was not quite as devastating as Godflesh, and not quite as entrancing as Neurosis, but somewhere in the middle. In short, forgettable.

Listening to this album, it seems that these fellows became a bit more decisive, and there's a definite approach here, rather than trying to fuse 2 opposing aesthetics. If Neurosis is Dune, and Godflesh is Matrix through the machine's point of view, then this album is something along the lines of Akira: bleak but not without a sense of humanity and "light".



Quote by Dyer's Eve
I am most certainly no conoisseur on post-metal and it's roster of bands, and i'll admit that I hadn't heard it until it came up that I had to review it for this. But after 2 listens the one impression I get is some strange balance of dark and light, the sludgy tone crossed with the major keys (I don't particularly want my family dead) offer an atmosphere quite unique in comparison to what graces my CD collection. As much as I definitely don't dislike what i'm hearing I can't really see it as anything i'll listen to beyond it being background music to my surfing of pornographic material or to the anal process of arranging my iTunes music and assigning artwork to albums. God I need a hobby.



And a fine introduction to our guest panelist!

Quote by Alex Higgins
.....................
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#10
#22

Primordial - To the Nameless Dead (2007)




The Pride of Ireland's most recent album and some would argue even best, but what does our resident Irishman and his compatriot panelists have to say about this opus?...


Quote by duncang
This is not my bag – in fact, it is merely average craic. Oh well, back to the trade and sales thread! Pop in if you haven’t already, the stuff that’s going round there is savage killer killer savage savage



Quote by Stranglehold
Although TTND is a different beast altogether from it's predecessor, there were traces of that triumphant sound found on tracks off The Gathering Wilderness such as ‘The Golden Spiral’. A jump into catchier territories without losing any ferocity (see; Traitor’s Gate), this album really crossed Primordial over into the big leagues. Try listening to this album without looking towards the sky and clenching a fist – I dare you.



Quote by dead-fish
I’m not a big Primordial fan, but it’s good to see them getting some recognition around here. I’m guessing that this album got to this list thanks to all the spite votes that went around this thing, but it’s a worthy band, so it’s all good.

Many metal vocalists can take a lesson or two about emotion from the dude singing in this band. The music itself I find a bit standard, but what can you expect from Ireland, really. I mean, it’s a nice place, but they stole everything off other countries! They stole the idea for a funny accent from their british neighbours, binge drinking from the Russians, crime from Australia circa 1770 (common misconception is that incestual rapists came to Australia from Ireland, which is actually the other way around), the only thing they really have of their own is the potato, which they invented. Yeah, ****ing Nobel prize for that things, lads, truely remarkable accomplishment, inventing the world’s most boring vegeta—Hmm? Primordial? Who are they? OH! Yeah, go spite votes!



Quote by Dyer's Eve
I don't like Guinness, i'm not particularly fond of the colour green and the face of Ireland is the smug twat who said "FIFA should give Ireland the 33rd World Cup place", how's that meant to logistically work you fuckwit? But I digress. In short, for all of it's shortcomings, Ireland owe the world something worthwhile. Enter Primordial, A band that not only shine in their own country but shine brighter than most bands this continent produces. 'To the Nameless Dead' is a bounce from their prior, darker outing and is a lesson in having pride in your country running through your music without sounding as if you're implying that all those foreigners should piss off back home. Alan Averill is on demolishing vocal form as always, and the only way you can better experience these songs is if you go buy the 'As Empires Fall' DVD and watch them lay waste to their Irish compatriots.



And introducing our guest panelist...

Quote by Father Jack
FECK! DRINK! GIRLS! COFFIN SHIPS! ARSE! HAIRY JAPANESE BASTARDS!
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#11
#21

Mastodon - Crack the Skye (2009)




The band whom generally according the the 'Metal press' can do no wrong, didn't fail to get scribes rubbing their crotches with their latest and arguably most progressive effort. Did it impress our panelists though...


Quote by duncang
Let’s face it, this is deady’s moment. I could spend ages telling you how this album is actually about my last visit to the garden centre or the weird noise my toilet makes when it flushes, but you’d still be re-reading his paragraph trying to decide on your favourite adjective. In all seriousness though, there are worse albums out there!



Quote by Stranglehold
This was definitely a stop-and-drop-your-xbox controller type of album. It follows the good old Mastodon formula – you listen, think its shit, stop and thrown it on again and go wait that was deadly! Mastodon will never change, Mastodon are Mastodon. And it shows through in their music. Theres no NEED to jam in every genre possible, they just play what they want to play and tie it together with one of the tightest drummers around these days. Great band.



Quote by dead-fish
*Beatboxing*
I’m here to tell all of you about my friend Brent
He said some stuff that he never ment
He was drunk, he was inebriated, he was out of control,
But shit didn’t matter to old Shavo
So he wooped his ass with a 2-by-4, told him “Ya’ll nev’rr come back no more!”
His brain started to bleed, and a vision did he see,
Of a manta ray ****ing a huge bumblebee
He told his friend Troy, who just bought him a toy
Of the vision that seemed to fill him with joy
Troyo was inspired, he ran without getting tired,
All the way back to his favourite friar!
He told the friar of the events that had passed,
And friar looked at him, snorted and laughed
He told Troyo, “Mah boyo, ya’ll tripping robo
This creation you speak of has been already soldo”
“What is the title of it?”Asked my homeTroy
Qouth the friar,
“CRACK THE SKYE, AND IT’S SHIT!”
The end.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
Other than deciding that whoever is doing clean vocals on this album sounds a bit too much like Ozzy, I can't say this album really ever permeated my playlist, so instead, i'm going to fill the rest of this space with a surrealist ramble. I probably shouldn't have started off by telling you that this will be a surrealist ramble because if you already know i'm about to go into a surrealist ramble the knowledge of that eliminates some of the surrealism, hence making my surrealist ramble less surreal and turning it into just a rather off-kilter ramble, observing the irony of sanctioning a giant machine under Switzerland that could cause a black hole, sucking us all up to our death when the purpose of the machine is to discover the core elements of physics and ascertain how the universe begun in the first place. Yeah.



And introducing our guest panelist...

Quote by The Man From Del Monte
YES!
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#12
#20

Gojira - From Mars to Sirius (2005)



The album that broke them outside of their native France, their third album was lavished upon by critics and metal fans the world over, but did our panelists think this was France's answer to Morbid Angel, or just a wannabe group of Cheese-eating Surrender-monkeys? Read on...


Quote by duncang
This is the sort of album that most people will use exaggeratedly violent metaphors to describe – ‘This song hits you in the face with a sledgehammer’, ‘That riff is like getting raped by the stone bloke off Fantastic Four’ , ‘Argh, My hernia!’, etc. I love a bit of that talk but frankly, after a few songs I’m out of breath and my ribs hurt. I think it’s the production, there’s something a little too dense about it that stops it from staying fresh. I’d take The Way Of All Flesh any day of the week.



Quote by Stranglehold
It sounds like the title for the unwritten Harry Potter in space novel, but its not. It is, of course, Gojira’s album. Impressive at first, but after a while you realise…this is definitely not anything like Morbid Angel, you lying sack of shit sticker on the front of the cd! Go for some Bloody Sign for some excellent French Metal. Laden with stupid ****ing breakdowns and pinch harmonics that would make Zakk Wylde cream his trousers made out of cans and bandanas, the album is slowed down by unnecessary rubbish. Could have been great, but alas…



Quote by dead-fish
Oh, I love this album, don’t you, Webbinson?
“I quite detest it, for I am French, and exceptionally gay.”
Even among the French?
“Oui.”
Damn, that’s really gay... But what don’t you like about it? Please, explain.
“Well, for starters, the riffs don’t sound like random farts. They actually sound like riffs, and the way they utilise tension and release on that album just perplexes me. Clearly, it is executed beyond reasonable measures of quality. Furthermore, I absolutely love having sex with men, me being on the receiving end, and the drums just sound too natural. I want my drums to sound like bloody woodpeckers knocking all over typewriters!”
So basically, the album is too well written for you?
“Oui. Speaking of bloody woodpeckers...”
This is a family website.
“A good farmer plows through the mud!”
Good euphemism.
“Merci.”
You’re still incredibly gay.
“My butthole concurs.”



Quote by Dyer's Eve
Ocean Planet plainly, should be adopted as France's National anthem. This album, for lack of a better metaphor, hits you in the face with a sledgehammer, a reverb-laden aural assault imbrued with the groove and catchiness that can appease a large fanbase. Gojira found a formula and have ran with it, and just look where they are now, Lars Ulrich is buying their drummer's doodles and when he isn't writing new material, Joe's off galavanting with the Cavalera Brothers. Bon effort lads.



And our guest panelist...

Quote by Zinedine Zidane
It was the night of the World Cup Final, it was half-time and we were in the dressing room, frustrated and down-hearted from our first-half performance. We needed a boost and as it turned out, I had a copy of From Mars to Sirius on me! What better an album to get the lads pumped up? So I put Backbone on, we all bellowed like madmen and marched back out to war! We lost. And i'm pretty sure I wouldn't have caved in that pretty boy's chest if it wasn't for listening to that album too. Oh well, C'est la vie eh?
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#13
#19

The Faceless - Planetary Duality (2008)



Michael ahem.. 'Machine' Keene and his intrepid crew managed to hitch a top 5 spot in our 2008 countdown as well as this entry, but do our panelists think their entries in these countdowns are well-deserved? Read on..


Quote by duncang
What the hell happens during this album? From what I can make of the lyrics, I thiiink the Ewoks are in trouble but I can’t tell much more than that. Does anybody know if the Jedi came to their aid? Surely someone can decode these deeply complex riffs and monotonous tribal calls!?

...yeah, this album’s pretty shit.



Quote by Stranglehold
Everything that is wrong with death metal these days. Right here in front of you, in album form. ****, I hate albums like this. Stick to Anata for some great melodic death metal. The only redeeming factor is the fact that the artwork reminds me of The Scrin in Command And Conquer 3. That’s about all the compliments I can give it.



Quote by dead-fish
This album is proof that the metal scene is in extremely dire times. This style is probably the mainstream right now. Rehashed, uninspired, mildy impressive techy death metal. I would say that this deserves to be on the list, or at least some representative of this style, but for god’s sake, the music is BAD.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
Imagine What would happen if you took Decrepit Birth's Diminishing Between Worlds, Between the Buried and me and the lead singer from Ugly Kid Joe. The more optimistic of you would think "Epic Progressive Death Metal straight from the cosmos with a laxadaisical sense of humour". But the truth is, I mean "Aimless Cosmic Wankery with occasionally pointless clean vocals". Very forgettable stuff, nice technique though.



BY HIS POLITE REQUEST, AND HIS SCARY ARSENAL OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS, I PRESENT TO YOU OUR FIFTH PANELIST

Quote by Kim Jong-Il
THE ARIENS ARE BACK

PLANETARY DUARITY IS NOT AN OPTION, REREASE THE NUUUUUUUKES



....And a note from our guest panelist...


Quote by It’s Alexx
- OMG I love the video where there all like wrecking the house and Clown throws a bbq through the window, it’s like ultimate house party mayhem ^_^
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#14
#18

Opeth - Ghost Reveries (2005)




The 'peth's first release on new label Moneygrubbing-re-releasing-shit-peddling-cun.. Uh, Roadrunner, recieved quite the mixed response. I think you'll find our panel thought the same...


Quote by duncang
As exotic as Ashley Cole’s hotel bill but still not half as fruity as its baby-wipe successor, ‘Ghost Reveries’ is definitely their best album of this decade. At its heaviest it’s exhilarating, and at its lightest it sounds like the ambiance you’d get in Fred’s sitting room while he smokes a pipe and reads a book on the Russian Revolution. And that is, after all, a scenario your average Opeth fan finds himself in quite a lot. They’re so smart even Dylar doesn’t get it!



Quote by Stranglehold
Heard a track off this when it first came out, and thought it was ok..then I realised someone had been slipping oestrogen into my corn flakes! This album is pathetically nice-sounding. Why cant Akerfeldt go back to the Brave Murder Day days?? Im sick of giving out, so il just say – If you are going to listen to this band, don’t become one of those sickening Opeth fanboys. Theyre up there with charity muggers in terms of annoyance, easily.



Quote by dead-fish
Widely considered Opeth's weakest album, I don't get it. It's the same! It's still trademark Opeth, in all their glory, writing songs that aren't as good as Deliverance, so what's with all the hate? It's like people who eat at Burger King, but refuse to step into McDonalds.

Regardless, this album is, like most Opeth albums, boring for most of the part. Boring, boring, boring. In fact, it's so boring, that I'm going to talk in this review about something completely different ON PURPOSE: Sean Paul's song We Be Burnin'. Supposedly, a hippety hoppety club song about weed. Now usually, artists just take the obvious stoner route, and just say how high they are.

Not so with Mr. Paul! Read the lyrics! He's actually saying it's good for the economy, and helps your concentration, good for glaucoma and breathing problems, how you shouldn't abuse it and that cocaine and speed are bad for you... Doesn't this strike anyone else as odd? I mean sure, he raises some legitimate points, but come on! He should die, he's ruining my meticulously prepared profiling system.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
It's a good album. Not as good as Deliverance. But still good. In 'The Grand Conjuration' they've given 15-years-olds all over a pathway to the vast world of extreme metal. And despite whether people dug it or nut they stuck to their guns and didn't let Monte Con-artist and his band of merry fuckwits compromise their approach. Not a standing ovation Mr. Akerfeldt, but at the very least a golfclap for your effort on this disc.



Quote by Kim Jong-Il
IT TOOK ME HOURS TO TUNE MY FUCKING GUITAR TO PRAY THIS SHIT. GODDAMN FROYD ROSES.

BUT NOW I SHRED HARREQUIN FOREST RIKE PRO



And for today's guest panelist...

Quote by Dylar
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhmg i was with mi friend paul and we wer lestenin to dis and he was lyk ooomg dylar did u her dat riff and i was lyk yeh it was rle rle cool and then we got so drunk lol
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#15
#17

Strapping Young Lad - Alien (2005)




This is the album where Hevy Devy said no to medication. But have our panelists said no to Hevy Devy?...


Quote by duncang
I’ve never quite understood ole Dev like our Dear Leader does; I enjoy a bit of ‘Terria’ now and then but I haven’t listened to SYL since their last album came out. Coming back to this, it’s more of a mind rape than watching half of Memento, having a tea break, then returning to watch the rest backwards. Or just watching The Primer all the way through.

Anyway, as ‘City’ is too old, this was the right choice – a bit too aggressive to really write about when you’re falling asleep at the keyboard, but maybe that’s just my fairy heritage shining through.



Quote by Stranglehold
Although I appreciate Devin Townsend’s playing and general ****ing wacko attitude… Strapping Young Lad just never cut the mustard for me. I prefer a bit of Nile for my dose of Skullet-core. But interesting lyrics, weird-ass guitar playing, Hoglan on skins…its easy to see why people do like them.



Quote by dead-fish
I’ll say it very clearly: 90% of this forum will ejaculate if Devin spits on them. I’m one of that 90%, and the very thought of a naked Devin Townsend makes me... Ooohhhh...

Not much to say here, as far as I’m concerned. This album is a masterpiece, simple as that. Simple as the music on this album, simple as the execution, simple as almost everything about this album. The simplicity is what makes it amazing. Well, Devin is what makes this album amazing, but without overcomplicating things with complex structures, widdly leads, messages, any of that stuff. Just pure, unadulterated, unfiltered, dirty madness in the form of music. Heaven.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
This album is Chaos, Insanity, Dementia and Fuck Off condensed into soundwaves. The soundtrack to a human being who's royally lost his shit. I think Devin summed this album up perfectly when he said "It's like a traffic accident, you're driving by and you're like Boy, those people are really fucked and it's produced well enough that you can hear how really fucked they are". 'Alien' is the fully-grown psychopath to City's pissed-off teenager. Complete with a production most 'Extreme' bands could only dream of and a level of tightness and musicianship any band worth their salt would happily take it in the arse for, this album is the most effective stress-relief you're ever likely to come across.



Quote by Kim Jong-Il
ARIENS!? THIS IS WHY WE ASSEMBURR GREAT WEAPON, TO CREATE SHITSTURM IN SPACE AND PROTECT GREAT NOBURR EARTH FROM ARIEN INVASION. IF THEY THINK THEY STEARR OUR WORRD CUP THEY GOT OTHER THING COMING.

PRUS, STRAPPING ROUNG RAD GREAT TO GO TO GYM AND PUMP IRON. ZHENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.



And for our guest panelist...

Quote by Ziltoid the Omniscient
PHOOOOEY! This mongoloid is the proverbial stool sample in my coffee. Not to mention he shared the same hairdresser as Max Cavalera. Cunt. Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt Cunt..... Balls.
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#16
#16

Wintersun - Wintersun (2004)



Upon departing Ensiferum, main-man Jari took little time in releasing Wintersun's critically-acclaimed debut. Shame about the second album though...


Quote by duncang
Who voted for this? Did all the regulars from 2006 just come back? Does this mean that keyboards are cool again? Are Necrophagist ‘obscure’? Is greety a mod again!? Unfortunately, nay. This is 2010, we (well...people) are still waiting for ‘Time’ and this just sounds kind of dated despite the glitzy production and state-of-the-art keyboard patches. It can do doggie sounds, you know! Hahahaha, if you press the highest key it sounds like a mouse.



Quote by Stranglehold
I don’t give a shit what ye think, this is not black metal. It’s a slightly colder Dragonforce with awful keyboards. Given the insane amount of good bands that come out of Finland, it’s a pity that stuff like this creeps through the cracks. Serious amount of talent on display of course, but it amounts to nothing much really. Typical easy listening Nuclear Blast fare. Are any of these albums on this list from smaller labels at all?



Quote by dead-fish
Wintersun - Yet another album I really couldn't give less than a liquid shit about, but seems the majority of this forum is jizzing profusely over it. Why? There's not much new here, we've all heard this being done before, so what's so special about this? Is this Jari fellow actually a very attractive female? Did he pay all of you? Are you all his family members and are just supporting him? Better yet, are you all multis of Mr. Jari himself, shamelessly promoting yourself? Do you all just love adoring mediocre bands? Maybe you all have some form of meningitis which causes you to like mediocre music? Are you all just coincidentally brain damaged? Maybe it's all of the above? I wouldn't rule out the possibility that all of you are just that stupid, as most of you have done little to suggest otherwise, cretins, but sometimes I truly feel bad for all of you.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
In todays world it's OK to be gay and it's OK to like gay things. I had to say that because I genuinely enjoy this album. For all of it's epic campness it is a stunningly produced, blast-laden bombardment of shit-hot musicianship and unshakeably catchy melodies. It has all of the appeal of bands like Children of Bodom but with ten times the talent and a hundred times the credibility. This album is in fact a bit like the Japanese celebrity 'Hard-Gay'. A muscuclar, leather-clad man-botherer infront of the cameras, and most likely shagging your missus off of it. As camp as it is, you can still punch people and bang your head to it.



Quote by Kim Jong-Il
I WOULD REARN TO PRAY DEATH AND THE HEARRING ON MY CASIO KEYBOARD BUT IT TOO ROUD FOR NEIGHBOURS. RHEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND MY METARRRW!



And our guest panelist...

Quote by Gaahl
You know when you fall in love and suddenly you understand what all them love songs are about? Well even after coming out of the closet that didn't happen with this album. My catwalk models ADORE it though.
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#17
#15

Portal - Outre' (2007)



Aussie nutjobs who look like they've come straight out of an RPG brought us more musical horrors with their second full-length. But is that a good or a bad thing? Our panelists are about to tell you...


Quote by duncang
This is what ron666's head must sound like.



Quote by Stranglehold
Ah, Portal. The source of constant bickering over on NWN!, its good to see some love for a great band on UG. Although I prefer Seepia personally, Outre is a great choice – even for just the fact that nothing else from the last decade sounds like it! If you mixed Immolation, Beherit, and R2D2 blowing into a microphone together it would sound something like this. A pretty horrifying album, but one suited to such murky production. And from what I hear – unmissable live.



Quote by dead-fish
Outre - I compare this album to Demilich's much-lauded opus, Nespithe. Both have silly names, both have toterly metuhll production, and both, to my ears, are good, but not fun. I mean, I can hear what everybody is going nuts about, I get it, I don't dispute it, but personally, not my cup of arab blood. I mean tea. I'll leave this album to those among you who dwell deep in the underground, as I am way too much of surface-dweller to enjoy this album.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
I'm very surprised that such an inaccessible album made it so high in the list, I guess it brings some redemption to those jaded by this forum's musical tastes that an album like this made it... But why? Well, credit where credit is due, it's definitely unique, I can't say i've heard anything else quite like it before. It reminds me in a way of Darkspace, a band who use black metal dynamics to the sole intent of creating an atmosphere out of this world, whereas Portal use the same mindframe to conjure up the atmosphere of an unending, hellish chasm beneath this world. Maybe it's just me, but for all of the apparent depth to the music, I just can't get over that the drumming sounds like a guy sat with just a snare drum twatting it at his leisure. I guess for those more in-tune with this kind of music it adds to the unease of it all, but my old-dog ways can't help but listen to it and think they could do with working on the rhythm section a little.



Quote by Kim Jong-Il
AAAAAAAAAEJFHREWJGHRWJTGRKJYHVKTVKJHKSJTYKHBERGKLTD *self-nuke*



And our guest panelist...


Quote by Marskell
hey portal, i know them guyz, saw em live. i wuz rlly drunk at the time, just like i am now. i luv being durnk on t intarwebz.
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#18
#14

Iron Maiden - Brave New World (2000)



The turn of the century saw the return of messrs Dickinson and Smith to the fold. But was this reuniting of metal deities a recipe for a successful comeback? Read on...


Quote by duncang
When I was
A young boy
My father
Took me into HMV
To look at metal bands

He said, “Son, when
You grow up
Will you be
A hairy, sweaty bastard
Overweight and unshaved?”

As much as you’d all love it, it would be a lot of effort to complete the whole song in this manner, so I’ll continue in prose. ‘Rock In Rio’ was the first metal album I ever bought and, since a lot of it was made up of material from this album, it has a lot of significance for me. I bought it in a town called Eastleigh upon the recommendation of a creepy bald man who sounded like a preteen girl – to this day I worry why I listened to him, but it paid off. Even ignoring the emotional attachment, I feel Brave New World is almost Maiden’s best album, capturing their chemistry better than any other studio effort. In the end, I’m glad I took greety’s advice.



Quote by Stranglehold
Yet another indication that people will stick to their guns with metal, and settle for what they know best. A wet fart of an album, really. The Maiden tag goes a long way with people who are too scared to stick their necks into the heavy metal underground.



Quote by dead-fish
I love everybody who voted for this album. Maiden got to where they are for being, among other things, FUN. I mean, The Wickerman! Alcohol! Yay!



Quote by Dyer's Eve
What's to say about this album that hasn't been said already?..



NOTE: Kim-Jong-Il has died thanks to Portal and will thusly be taking no part in these reviews. Inevitable democracy in North Korea incoming.


Our guest panelist, back from the dead...

Quote by Aldous Huxley
Had my life expectancy sufficiently increased in order to be amongst the living at the time of this album's release, I would have probably been too far gone into the realms of senility to appreciate this albums many nuances and subtleties. But my thetans have traversed the earth and come across this musical ode to my work. I must thank those young chaps for such a humbling tribute, but that Nicko fellow is going to be quite shocked when he finds out my buddy Elron got the whole afterlife thing right.
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#19
#13

Between the Buried and Me - Alaska (2005)



And here they are again, the 'band of the moment'. I don't have much to say about it so i'll let the panelists talk...


Quote by duncang
Even I, the token BTBAM fan of the panel, can’t really justify this being named among the best of the decade. It’s an awkward stepping stone between the experimentation of the first two albums and the PRAWWWG of the last two, and you aren’t quite ‘with’ all the movement from riff to riff. Nonetheless, it has some excellent moments and frankly the other contributions will be more fun to read.



Quote by Stranglehold
This album is worse than ‘Mask 2: Son of Mask’. No way these guys can be featured 3 times, its an obvious ruse to increase my blood pressure and inherit my collection when I die of a massive heart attack.



Quote by dead-fish
Fags. All of you.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
Motivation is the key to success in life. I believe that to be a fact. With that said, according to this scenario, my life is a failure. As after hearing 'Colors' and 'The Great Misdirect', I have absolutely no motivation whatsoever to listen to this, when I could be listening to the new Crown album. So sorry to dissappoint you readers wanting an actual opinion on this album... OK, I lie, i'm not sorry, now if you'll excuse me i'm just gonna go indulge in some Swedish Death/Thrash...



And a few words from our guest panelist...

Quote by Magero
Did I mention that I like core as much as metal? I like core and metal. Both of them. At the same time.
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#20
#12

Primordial - The Gathering Wilderness (2005)



The Irish lad's 2nd entry in our countdown is a bleaker affair than usual and probably the most generally revered release by them. Let's see what the panelists think...


Quote by duncang
This one’s got a certain rush to it; the riffs don’t so much change as they do roll on like a tank. The terrain doesn’t change much which can be an issue with the songs being as long as they are, but ‘The Coffin Ships’ is probably their best song. This is the Primordial album I enjoy the most, but on the whole they still don’t quite butter my potato.



Quote by Stranglehold
TGW, although not the greatest Irish album ever, or even the best Primordial album, is simply a fucking classic. Just buy it and be done with it, I shouldn’t even be telling you this.



Quote by dead-fish
Them again? Seriously? You people couldn't think of anything better to vote for? I have nothing to say about this album, and not because I am not familiar with it either. It's just not that talk-worthy as far as I'm concerned. Fine, you're from Ireland. You sexually harass ginger midgets under the belief that they'll bring you good luck. Also, you're very sad and atmospheric. Wip-dee-facking-doo.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
If this band represent anything, it's conviction. The passion that runs through this album is like no other, painting a picture of a plague-ridden medievil Ireland and a genuine sorrow for those brethren whom passed as a result of those unforgiving times. It's an album that makes you imagine Alan Averill as a man who wears his heart and colours on his sleeve, so much so even as a man with no Irish blood whatsoever I feel the the pain and tribulations of the Irish.

All that said, I bet they wished Bono's descendant's could have left the world a bit earlier...



And our guest panelist...

Quote by Stranglehold
Yes, I killed two birds with one stone here. Why? Look its just an Irish thing. We’ll call out to fix your alternator, and then subtly combine a tyre check/replace with it, all for only an extra €800. That’s just how we work.
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#21
#11

Nile - Annihilation of the Wicked (2005)



Metal-land's favourite Ra-botherers landed just outside the top 10 with their fourth album. Do the panelists think it's justified?


Quote by duncang
I can faintly remember ‘Sacrifice Unto Sebek’ being one of the first (and at the time, only) death metal songs I really enjoyed, which is strange considering Nile have never really been my style since but hey, there aren’t many bands that open their gates with more grandeur and...sand and stuff. Coming back to the album for the first time in a while makes me feel lovely inside, because I can understand what I do and do not like about it a lot better than I did when it first came out. Back then it was just a pillow over my wee head, but now I can safely say stuff like this – ‘Lashed To The Slave Stick’ just sounds like a fat dude running.



Quote by Stranglehold
Fuck yes. The last great Nile album. Every song here is an exercise in technical mastery. Long, sprawling epics, bound together by some incredible songwriting and of course the flawless drumming from Kollias. The production was a bit too clean for me, Kernon seemed to do the same on Macabre’s ‘Murder Metal’ – but I actually grew to like it. Of course, its necessary at those speeds to keep a clean production, just so everyone can hear each double kick clearly and subsequently realise how awful they are at drums. Thanks George, ya wanker!



Quote by dead-fish
I’ve always had a special place for Nile, a place shared by Orphaned Land, Amaseffer, Melechesh, Behemoth and Nevermore on occasions, and Megadeth’s Holy Wars. That place is called “close to home”. I grew up between the middle east and the mediterranean, and I know how these kinds of music, which these bands incorporate into their metal, sound like when played on their own.
I’ll have you lot know that with the exception of the lyrical topics, there is very little Egypt in Nile’s music. So what do we end up with? A gimmick. How can one take a band that relies so heavily on a gimmick seriously? I, for one, cannot. Granted, this is a solid album, but for fuck’s sake! YOU’RE NOT EGYPTIAN, AND IT SHOWS! I’m not sure what I’m trying to say here, other than that Colonel Karl Sanders is a douche.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
Karl Sanders is a man who seemingly does nothing to help his public image, whether being an outspoken arse on his forum or Slandering British extreme metal institutions. But one listen to this album and you'll overlook all of that and realise that the man can write some fucking good tunes. You can bet that a good amount of the kiddies who surfed Scuzz and Kerrang back in the day got a hell of a shock when the brief pummeling of 'Sacrifice Unto Sebek' came on. And upon further inspection from that you uncovered an album that was about as good an example as you were going to get of death metal in the new millenium. A production, which, despite it's arguable over-slickness, really brought out the monolithic power of their music and presented brutal death metal to a new generation of fans. Overall, their lyrics aren't as good as their imagery would have you believe, but with riffs like these you needn't give a sphynx's arse.



And for our guest panelist...

Quote by King of Kumbucha
NILE MAKE GO SMASH FACE. CHECK MY BICEPS.
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#22
#10

Gorguts - From Wisdom to Hate (2001)



Their final album was the Canuck's attempt to balnace between the Old-school stylings of the first two records and the royal head**** that was their third. Did it work? Read on...


Quote by duncang
In waves passing through cycles that evolve a subconscious theme into articulation, songs of this album sweep through a palette of vivid sound that melts through the rigid architectures of rhythm that comprise the riff lexicon as rendered into linearity as telegraphic precise structure etched through an enwrapping rhythm and songwriting that emphasizes somewhat conventional structures resulting in a highly listenable album. Like Deeds of Flesh with a Ph.D., this album could be explained as a larger take on what Voivod or Immolation within the Cryptopsy sound in the context of expressing sublime melody as first projected on "Obscura" by this band.



Quote by Stranglehold
Ah here we go, something fucking good! Keeping up with Canada’s absolutely incredible output of the last 43 or so years (since ‘Rush’ came out!), Gorguts have evolved without sacrificing a single iota of skill and morbidity. Each of their albums has a certain unique charm, you just know it’s Gorguts when you hear it. This is no exception either. Riffs twist and slide under each other, like muscles working to move in opposite directions. Lemay’s unmistakeable bark solidifies the entire approach, sounding like David Vincent wishes he could sound now. A masterpiece.



Quote by dead-fish
Gorguts. The bridging point between anusites and the really totally open-minded and enlightened ones. As far as instrumentation, there haven't been many bands who even think in Gorguts' way of thinking, let alone replicate any of their madness. For that alone, Lemay and friends deserve mundo props. Sadly, it doesn't seem to have gotten the recognition it deserves on a grand scale, and so it's good to see it here. Sometimes you bunch of condom-break babies are just a tinsy winsy itsy bitsy tiny bit less idiotic than you deny you really are.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
Ever woke up thinking, man, I want someone to really fuck the shit out of my ears this morning? No? Well, neither have I, that usually sets in after a mind-numbing days work, but when this peculiar mood makes itself known, my first choice for prime lobe-rape is these boyos. Now, I don't claim to be a great fan of these guys, I like them, but I wasn't one of the (surprisngly many) people who voted this album in. But a fan of good metal should know when he's hearing something special, and this is just that, a suitable balance between the discord of Obscura and the more straight-forward approach of their first two, it's makes for a unique listen, and while i'm not in the mood for this brand of unique listen a whole lot, when I am, it's satisfaction guaranteed.



And for our guest panelist...

Quote by Luc Lemay
We're really honoured that you like this album, we worked real hard on it y'know. It's stood the test of time y'know, in an age where it's all aboot this core stuff it's especially inspiring that people like us y'know, so thanks y'know.
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#23
#9

Machine Head - The Blackening (2007)



The album that stapled Machine Head as one of the starting blocks for budding 'metalheads' everywhere. But what do our slightly more uh, 'educated' panelists think?...


Quote by duncang
I hope you didn’t get too excited when you saw something as classy as Gorguts in such a high spot! Cause this ain’t Kansas no more – this is the Top Ten, as decided by you, the Kerra...ultimate-guitar readers. Only the best of the best will do. And this album is basically the pinnacle of heavy metal. Varg Vikernes actually cited Robb Flynn as one of his major influences when he was writing Hvis Lyset Tar Oss; that was pre-Machine Head though, back when Flynn worked the Oslo gay bar circuit doing Neil Diamond covers.



Quote by Stranglehold
This album is basically where all the bandana clad Machine Head fans of the world can proudly proclaim ‘I am a thrash metal fan’. Well unfortunately, its not thrash metal, and its not remotely good. Bring back the old Vio-lence and Forbidden Robb Flynn, where his guitar skills and 80s tache were of a higher priority than rapping and producing slick overproduced mtv metal like this tripe.



Quote by dead-fish
I’m torn over this one: on one hand, there are some damn good songs here as far as I’m concerned, and Machine Head are very good live and you can all suck my circumcised dick for disapproving of these statements, which I’m
sure most of you are. On the other hand, this album is not, in any way, shape or form, worthy of being on any Best Of list. The music is done with passion, sure, but it’s nothing that hasn’t been done for the 7 years prior to its release, and
sometimes done better. To top it all off, the fanbase. I have no fucking doubt that this album got voted for mostly, if not exclusively by 14-15 year olds who just found out that some people don’t like Metallica, and that there are heavier bands out there, “EXCEPT FOR MACHINE FUGGING HEAD, WHICH ARE AWESOME AND I WANT TO SUCK RROOBB FFLLYYNN’S PPEENNIISS!!!”. To you sad fucks, I wish death. If it’s possible, I would like to be the executioner. If not, it’s still cool, don’t stop just cause I can’t be there.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
Ah yes, I remember it like yesterday, my spotty, rotund head banging to the likes of 'Davidian' and 'Blood for Blood'. Then suddenly they come out with a new, spanking album in 2005, oh joy of joys I thought, as I ran through spring fields celebrating the news of their return. Five years on, the pipes of power now seem more like the gob of angst. I guess thats what having two decades behind you must do. Going back to this album I can't help but wince at the vocal stylings and lyrical musings I once overlooked. And despair at the production akin to a freshly waxed bowling alley floor. So many good riffs and lead breaks spoiled by the ills of modern metal's hallmarks. Maybe if Robb stopped listening to Lamb of fucking God and started listening to Triptykon, he might not sound like a repressed teenager anymore. But hell, the guy's probably wiping his arse with the Lincoln's face, so he needn't take much note of this.



And now for our guest panelist...


Quote by Robb Flynn
Oh, one, touching one, reaching out
Touching me, touching you
Oh, sweet Caroline
Good times never seem so good
Oh I've been inclined to believe it never would
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#24
#8

Edge of Sanity - Crimson II (2003)



After the dissolution of the band following their generally regarded sub-par effort 'Cryptic' sans Swanö, the man in question brought the name from the ashes and recorded his own sequel to their 1996 magnum opus. But did the panelists think it lived up to it's predecessor...?


Quote by duncang
I haven’t listened to Edge Of Sanity since the olden days; the days when people didn’t say ‘hipster’ or ‘the regs’, the days when Tony ruled with a flubbery fist. Coming back to Crimson II now...it’s god damn shiny. Do we still approve of this kind of stuff? I need guidance.



Quote by Stranglehold
Im going to be honest here lads, I haven’t given this a full listen – and cant really base a review on youtube snippets! But I mean, its Dan Swano, the mad scientist of metal…which means you cant really go wrong with any of his stuff.



Quote by dead-fish
Disclaimer: this post was not at all re-written by Dyers. I love this album, and everything about it. It’s quite possibly one of the greatest things humanity has ever made, in the history of everything. This is literally the incarnation of everything worth living for, and I wish everybody the same joy I receive when I listen to this fantastic album. I think that Mary Poppins described this album best, with the word Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. In my humble opinion, this amalgamation of words used to describe overwhelmingly positive things does not do this album justice, and is frankly quite gay, but alas, that is the best we are given.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
So it seems some of my musical taste has rubbed off on you motherfuckers. OK, i'm probably taking too much credit there, but my discovery of this album was like when a spotty teenager figures out that his dick isn't just used to expel liquid waste. Hearing this album almost instantaneously stretched my musical ambition. Some may see this album as an exercise in self-indulgence, but those people can go morris dancing with frozen vegetables stuffed up their arses for all I care. This gentlemen, is my favourite album. And I implore anyone who likes a good concept album to give it at least 43 mins of your life.



And for our guest panelist...


Quote by NotFromANUS
What dead-fish said
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link
#25
#7

Dream Theater - Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence (2002)



Ah, that difficult uh... sixth album. But following Scenes From a Memory was a mammoth task nonetheless, did they manage it according to our panelists?


Quote by duncang
Writing a concept album about people with mental problems was quite a good idea, not least because they reciprocated by voting for this slab of fucking whale meat. I mean, Solitary Shell’s alright if you’re looking for something to go with your student documentary about cat and dog rescue, but for fuck's sake. Did anything interesting happen at all on the first disc!?



Quote by Stranglehold
Eh…I think my sig can explain this one better than I can, ha ha. Cant stand this band. If I wanted to watch a few lads wanking on stage, Id donate money to youporn so they could fund a full stage show, with curtains and lights and everything.



Quote by dead-fish
Refer to my review for Train of Thought. Then go kill yourself.



Quote by Dyer's Eve
Well this first disc starts well enough, some good seven-string riffage... until we get to the scratching, then i'm afraid it doesn't truly recover from there. The second disc on the other hand... Thats more like it. I know, I know, if you don't like Dream Theater in the first place, this isn't going to convert you, but as someone who still enjoys this band after so many years, disc 2 of this ambitious release is a well put together piece of work. I know i'm already going to lose some 'Metal kudos' for admitting to my enjoyment of this, but the Policeman from The Village People that lives inside me enjoys this exercise in overindulgence greatly.



And for our guest panelist...


Quote by morbid death
Sometimes, when I’m feeling sad, I like to put ‘Goodnight Kiss’ on and run myself a bubble bath...It gives me the shivers, but that’s okay, because the love trickles through my veins and keeps me warm.
LAMMERGEIER
Disclaimer: Dyer's Eve can not be held responsible for the loss of time spent or the insult to your aural senses as a result of exploring this link