#1
running away from reality
i feel as thus
my soul was made for so much more
i feel as life is just an illusion
a ominous question
that holds the conclusion
buried within it

im just trying to reach the core
everything else is a game
thats been driving me insane
pulling me off course

dorsal fins
waiting in the water
infesting sallow
waiting to slaughter
i can no longer invest to swim

life is unrehearsed
most living in reverse
relaying on history
cursed

i saw the truth
now the lies are clear to me
nothing could exist
without me

I
infant
infinity

that's why my soul
lies on shore
separating the light
from the sun
searching hidden syntax
waiting for the next wave to breathe me in
and for life to begin again
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
Last edited by bigbirdfan at Jul 27, 2010,
#2
i was upset when i got to the end and realized this had ended. the imagery here was perfectly spaced and added up to a complete tone. its hard to pull off a style like this without looking either too sparse or too loaded and cliche. this was great.
#3
running away from reality
i feel as thus
Not sure how I feel about the word "thus"...
my soul was made for so much more
i feel as life is just an illusion
a ominous question
Very interesting proposal of life being a question here.
that holds the conclusion
Slightly subpar rhyme in my opinion. If you lose the rhyme, I think you could find a better word to put here.
buried within it
I love writing that takes a stance outside of normal 'reality'. the observations and ponderings of this stanza really resonate within me.

im just trying to reach the core
the core of life?
everything else is a game
thats been driving me insane
pulling me off course
I also really like this sentiment, too often do we lose track of what is really important. you express that very well here.

dorsal fins
waiting in the water
infesting sallow
waiting to slaughter
i can no longer invest to swim
This is where the piece really takes off, the word choices bring this stanza to life.

life is unrehearsed
most living life in reverse
if you can avoid using the word 'life' twice in a row, please do it.
relaying on history
cursed
is life cursed, or are the people who live it in reverse?

i saw the truth
now the lies are clear to me
nothing could exist without me
frightening concept.

I
infant
infinity

thats why my soul
lies on shore
separating the light
from the sun
searching hidden syntax
waiting for the next wave to breathe me in
and for life to begin again
This is amazing. whose perspective are you speaking from, still your own, or a whole other entity?

Brilliant and inspiring, one of the best I've read in a long time. It starts off a little slowly, but ends very powerfully.

I haven't posted in a while and you are one of the few names that I recognize from when I used to post here a lot. I hope this crit helps a bit, if you wouldn't mind, I'd love a critique of my newest lyric in my signature.