#1
Hey all. Just some more lyrics I churned out when I was with my ex-girlfriend. The basic story was that she was brought up in a catholic home, lots of deep situations going on and random prayers not helping and (or) getting answered.

You left me out here to die
questions asked for years yet no reply
The pain is an agonizing thing
yet I feel the need to win

Felt alone for many years.
No help yet more tears
Where were you when I needed
(still need a last line there)

It's a work in progress. I still need to finish it.
Bass Gear:

Mensinger: Speesy
Fender Precision 1989 (CIJ Rosewood)
Fender Steve Harris (CIJ)
Lakland J Sonic 5
Epiphone Explorer
Maruszczyk (custom) Jake

Ashdown CTM 100
#3
My favorite part about this entire piece is your choice of the word 'win'. I think that you could expand on that concept a little bit. I'm sure you know what you mean, but exactly what are you competing against? Have you been losing up until now?

I agree with Pyrest about the rhymes being forced/predictable/detrimental, sometimes a lack of a rhyme adds more to a lyric.

Finally, I HATE the word 'thing' if you could put any other word there, I think it would help quite a bit. I understand that sometimes is it very difficult to find the right word to put in a song, but if you do, it will pay off.

Overall, I really like the emotion involved here. If you could turn it into a story or flesh it out a little bit, I think this could be really special (in a good way).

C4C if you wouldnt mind, I just posted a new one.
#4
Quote by Pyrest
Your rhymes seem a little forced here. I like the words you've used, the the rhymes do bother it, and I think it interferes with the flow.



How do you mean by a little forced? :-)
Bass Gear:

Mensinger: Speesy
Fender Precision 1989 (CIJ Rosewood)
Fender Steve Harris (CIJ)
Lakland J Sonic 5
Epiphone Explorer
Maruszczyk (custom) Jake

Ashdown CTM 100
#5
Quote by Skaliveson
My favorite part about this entire piece is your choice of the word 'win'. I think that you could expand on that concept a little bit. I'm sure you know what you mean, but exactly what are you competing against? Have you been losing up until now?

I agree with Pyrest about the rhymes being forced/predictable/detrimental, sometimes a lack of a rhyme adds more to a lyric.

Finally, I HATE the word 'thing' if you could put any other word there, I think it would help quite a bit. I understand that sometimes is it very difficult to find the right word to put in a song, but if you do, it will pay off.

Overall, I really like the emotion involved here. If you could turn it into a story or flesh it out a little bit, I think this could be really special (in a good way).

C4C if you wouldnt mind, I just posted a new one.


Yeah. Thing is a bad word to use and Special how?
Bass Gear:

Mensinger: Speesy
Fender Precision 1989 (CIJ Rosewood)
Fender Steve Harris (CIJ)
Lakland J Sonic 5
Epiphone Explorer
Maruszczyk (custom) Jake

Ashdown CTM 100
#6
Well, by special I mean that it is the type of lyric that would resonate with a lot of people. I consider it special whenever someone manages to write something universal like this, where just about everyone is able to relate to it in some way.