#1
I feel so sick
When I realize just how far
Home is, I wish I could drive to
That place, where everything is alright
And no one, is gonna think twice
About....
(pre-chorus)
Everything I never had
Makes me wish, upon, something that doesn't exist
No one can stop or slow me down
(chorus)
Just how far, would you go to feel that way again?
To be young and innocent
To reach that state of mind
And maybe even you could find
Where all our time has went?
Because I don't think I'm ready yet
(verse 2)
What a mess.
I wish I could forget
How it felt when
I realized, there's no going back to the
Glory days, and how wonderful would it be if we could,
Live in, a world where no one is alone
Or afraid, to admit, they've seen
Better days
(pre-chorus)
Everything I never had
Makes me wish, upon, something that doesn't exist
No one can stop or slow me down
(chorus)
Just how far, would you go to feel that way again?
To be young and innocent
To reach that state of mind
And maybe even you could find
Where all our time has went?
Because I don't think I'm ready yet
(bridge)
What do you mean when you say you feel ashamed?
There's no one to blame
And nobody knows why
And I know, I am not the only one..
Afraid, of growing up
(chorus again for last time)
Just how far, would you go to feel that way again?
To be young and innocent
To reach that state of mind
And maybe even you could find
Where all our time has went?
Because I don't think I'm ready yet

please leave feedback!
Last edited by Jake9412 at Jul 26, 2010,
#2
The first thing I noticed is that every line is capitalized. If you typed this in ms word, I know that the program does it for you, but I would still recommend going back and fixing it, because it really distracts the reader. Also, you have a lot of misplaced commas which drive me crazy.

Besides that, I really like how you chose to break up your lines, it makes the lyrics flow wonderfully. It'd be nice if you were a bit more specific about what caused this loss in innocence, or more detailed things you want back, but as it stands now, the song is very relatable and (at least in my head) extremely catchy. I like it quite a bit overall.

What genre are you thinking about for this piece?


C4C if you don't mind.
#3
Thanks for the critique. I will definitely fix the commas and capitalization in the future. But I was thinking more along the acoustic singer-songwriter genre, just singing and guitar. What I mean by the loss in innocence is how with each year as I get older I am faced with more temptations, like drinking, smoking, stealing, etc etc. I just wish I could go back to the 'glory days' when I didn't have to worry about any of that.

I'll check out your work!
#4
Quote by Jake9412

I like this in general, it feels like something that would make a really good song that people could relate to and hum / song along with. The lyrics feel really genuine to me, sort of like a one-sided conversation in parts.

I feel so sick
When I realize just how far
Home is, I wish I could drive to
That place, where everything is alright
And no one, is gonna think twice
About....

Sounds good to me, it flows well and quickly, and get your thoughts out clearly.


(pre-chorus)
Everything I never had
Makes me wish, upon, something that doesn't exist
No one can stop or slow me down

Same as above, very clear wording, well-written, and good transition from verse to chorus.

(chorus)
Just how far, would you go to feel that way again?
To be young and innocent
To reach that state of mind
And maybe even you could find
Where all that time has went?
Because I don't think I'm ready yet

Nice chorus, very easy to relate to. One qualm is, I might change "all that time has went" to "all our _____s went", or something like that, so it doesn't change the flow too much, but then you can be as vague or specific as you want, and I think it sounds a little better.

(verse 2)
What a mess.
I wish I could forget
How it felt when
I realized, there's no going back to the
Glory days, and how wonderful would it be if we could,
Live in, a world where no one is alone
Or afraid, to admit, they've seen
Better days

Sounds good, no complaint.


(pre-chorus)
Everything I never had
Makes me wish, upon, something that doesn't exist
No one can stop or slow me down
(chorus)
Just how far, would you go to feel that way again?
To be young and innocent
To reach that state of mind
And maybe even you could find
Where all that time has went?
Because I don't think I'm ready yet

Same comments as above

(bridge)
What do you mean when you say you feel ashamed?
There's no one to blame
And nobody knows why
And I know, I am not the only one..
Afraid, of growing up

I can relate.

(chorus again for last time)
Just how far, would you go to feel that way again?
To be young and innocent
To reach that state of mind
And maybe even you could find
Where all that time has went?
Because I don't think I'm ready yet

Good stuff overall, I like it, keep it up!


please leave feedback!


C4C, if you're feeling kind:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1340508
#5
Quote by Jake9412
Thanks for the critique. I will definitely fix the commas and capitalization in the future. But I was thinking more along the acoustic singer-songwriter genre, just singing and guitar. What I mean by the loss in innocence is how with each year as I get older I am faced with more temptations, like drinking, smoking, stealing, etc etc. I just wish I could go back to the 'glory days' when I didn't have to worry about any of that.

I'll check out your work!


I definitely can relate to that sentiment, I think you should include those examples in your song! Also, it is funny- my most recent lyric is on a very similar topic.
#6
Hey thanks for the suggestion, I am gonna change it to OUR time. Sounds a lot better