#1
This is a song I've been working on for a while. The original version I had was way better, but I have yet to locate a copy of this version. It's still under construction. Let me know what you think.

What if everything was wasting away
All the time that we have spent chasing memories
Will be torn away, maybe ripped apart
And in the end, it wouldn’t even matter
Because we’re only shadows on the walls

Chorus:
And all along, every waking day
I am forced to realize what we have left behind
And from this moment on, it pains me to breathe
As I look at what we never had
Of what would never be

Now that everything is wasting away
All the time that we have spent chasing memories
Is being torn away, ripped apart
And in the end, it won’t even matter
Because we’re only shadows on the walls
#2
Your use of rhetoric has a lot of potential. Concentrate on animating the narrator's thoughts a bit more, though; cliches abound. I'm getting bits and pieces of emotion/thoughts/ et cetera, but the unoriginality squashes most of it out.

I liked the structure as well - it's not rigid and pretentious, but it's not 'experimental' and pretentious - it just is.

Other than that, I'm not feeling it. Ernest Hemingway said that, "all firsts drafts are shitty." This reads like a first draft. My biggest suggestion is to check out some of the techniques in the S&L techniques portion. Someone a long time ago thought this place would be a good workshop, and that's helped plenty of people.

Good luck, I'll be looking out for any more of your stuff.
#3
Thanks. Like I said, the original version was way better, but I can't remember it, and I can't find it to save my life. I'll work on it, thanks for the advice man.
#4
I've done the same thing, written something, lost it, written it again, and then found that it absolutely sucked. but, practice makes perfect.