#1
the smog-ridden hills
freeze in a moment
post office truck stooping over a mailbox
in autumn, with sun setting and spilling
itself out across our glass sphere.

a handgrenade imploding in your atmosphere

the color is the last you thing will see
elastic and pulled to the last muscle
like a bag
dropped against a memorial wall

a fast-paced dream;
half a second
more than a year lived
in half a second

'it's all code for something
you won't say and i don't know'
i hope the color lasts
long enough to walk home without
getting lost
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Jul 28, 2010,
#2
That's pretty sweet. I was reading it and was like "What the hell?" Until I got to 'It's all a code for something.' The only part I don't like is where you repeat 'half a second', and 'sphere' and 'atmosphere' are used too close together imo.
#3
huh? To me this had the feel of performance art, where a woman goes from hanging herself with hooks through the shoulder blades, lying supine on a giant block of ice, eatting a live scorpion, chugging twelve bottles of merlot and then defacating into a baby's diaper. I'm not quite certain how to ascertain those / these types of "art" other than by brief enjoyment of shock value or witty one-liners. You know, some people like that kind of stuff though.

below has been added in an edit:

I want to try again, because on my... 5th reading or so I'm thinking there is an actual event taking place here, though it is heavily obscured by the order and method of the language. Discerning what is happening and what is a metaphor is difficult. Here is what I think is happening: there is an oddly described scene: "smog-ridden hills", and then a post office truck, a mailbox, and then an explosion. I don't know what "glass sphere" is, however it might be a slightly convoluted way of saying "sky". So I had first thought that there was an actual explosion... but I realize that it is a metaphor for a sunset.

But why, are the colors the last that "you" will see, and who is "you"? As for the next part, I've no idea: "the color is the last you will see.. like a bag... against a memorial wall". I can make inferences based on the types of images, but they are vague, vague, vague. I wonder, why be vague here? I would like to know what is going on, and not be fed images that, well, aren't conceivable.

The next stanza (about time) I read as a brief mention of relativity, but, again, I couldn't find it's context in the poem, other than if I take up the idea of the handgrenade explosion, and that instant before death woudl be that half second... lifetime, whatever. Or, perhaps this describes some other shocking experience, but I couldn't say what.

And then the ending, which sounds nice, but doesn't offer much else. However, it does dispel my handgrenade idea completely; there has been no explosion. There is a speaker, and a you, and a sunset, and, well, language that is confusing enough to muddle up what could be an interesting scene. I wonder, why are you intentionally confusing what happened?

Sorry to prematurely post that first part, but this is rather difficult. Worth a discussion though.
Last edited by JordanZZ at Jul 28, 2010,
#4
the smog-ridden hills
freeze in a moment
post office truck stooping over a mailbox
in autumn, with sun setting and spilling
Very nicely depicted
itself out across our glass sphere.
glass sphere is a great sounding phrase.

a handgrenade imploding in your atmosphere
technically, you are rhyming sphere with sphere, but it is kinda hard to tell, so I'm OK with it.

the color is the last you will see
Last color you'll see, or the last thing you'll see?
elastic and pulled to the last muscle
like a bag
dropped against a memorial wall
Cool use of 'memorial' after handgrenade earlier.

a fast-paced dream;
half a second
more than a year lived
in half a second
This doesn't do much for me. It doesn't have the colorful imagery of the first section, or the interesting simile use of the second.

'it's all code for something
you won't say and i don't know'
Interesting that you 'know' its a code, but don't know what it is.
i hope the color lasts
long enough to walk home without
getting lost
Awesome ending.

Really loved it. I tried to find a few issues to point out for helping's sake, but I couldn't come up with much. C4C if you wouldn't mind.
#6
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the smog-ridden hills
freeze in a moment
post office truck stooping over a mailbox
in autumn, with sun setting and spilling
itself out across our glass sphere.
I love this, the whole glass sphere thing brings a good image, good job

a handgrenade imploding in your atmosphere

the color is the last you thing will see
elastic and pulled to the last muscle
like a bag
dropped against a memorial wall
I don't know about the whole muscle thing, but having a memorial after mentioning a handgranade earlier sounds good

a fast-paced dream;
half a second
more than a year lived
in half a second

Omit completely, and when it comes musically, just play instrumental. Typically that sounds better anyway

'it's all code for something
you won't say and i don't know'
i hope the color lasts
long enough to walk home without
getting lost
This last stanza sounds really good

You know, this whole thing reminds me of something that happened here very recently. We had solar flares so bad that we had record aurora borealis at night, and the day was extremely hot. And it you remember that moving a little while ago called "The Knowing" where in the end a solar flare destroys the world, but at the end (or just before the end of the world,) you can see lots of aurora borealis throughout the skies Keep on Writing
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