#1
ada, a mauve dress lolling on her shoulder blades as i
contemplate our love away, a boreish
faun drinking moonlight from a tinny cup that
strangers dillegently dump coins in as they
pass me to enter the theater-i watch her in line
with her new storefront russian model, a man
she aquired after my persistent digressions pushed
her into the arms of a new precise lover;
i remember, though my memory seems now just
mush and daydreams, a day ada and i walked through a
forest where trees sat lazily in recliners slouched
eastward as to re-postulate their natural position,
we stopped and lied upon overgrown grass snuggled close,
like two lightening bolts, and i whispered something about
how when we were young i used to follow her around the
schoolyard and pretend to trip and fall down just to get a look
up her floral skirts, she laughed, of course, and her jawline
when she smiled resembled the borderline on a map of
the states in which we were born, respectively.
i get behind them in line, ada and the russian man
where we both buy tickets for the same movie,
perched a few rows behind them i hear ada start to cry as
a girl spears fish with a sharpened stick and cuts off their fins
to feed her dying brother, the russian man only laughs, as i
desperately crawl over rows of seats just to hold her hand.
Last edited by rushmore at Jul 29, 2010,
#2
Hey!

This is wonderful! It's not perfect, but it's damned good.

The only issues I have are with your language... actually, grammar too. Your commas could use some work. Firstly, does a dress loll on shoulder blades? I suppose it could, but it is a curious choice.

a boreish
faun drinking moonlight from a tinny cup that
strangers dillegently dump coins in as they
pass me to enter the theater

Perhaps this should be its own sentence. I'm not sure why it's connected to the first. Seems like a comma splice.

"Persistent digressions" is another interesting choice of words, and I'm having trouble with the phrase, and then, also, a "precise" lover. What the heck does that mean? Lol. With both I'm having trouble defining them. Perhaps an example might be good?

Why put the trees in recliners? That's another head-scratcher. Also, "snuggled close, like two lightning bolts." I'll say that it's interesting, but I wonder if it's an accurate description. Would a man who describes himself like a lightning bolt also sneak around and follow an ex girlfriend into a theater? Also, the jawline resembling the map of the states? That seems to kill her attractiveness. I like the bit about the tripping to see up the girl's skirt though. =P

I'd say remove that "i digress" line, also, as it seems to dampen the otherwise fine ending, of climbing over the seats just to hold her hand.

Anyway, I know I brought up critical points, but I really enjoyed the heck out of this piece because of the concreteness of your images and descriptions. I disagree with some of them, but they were very much there.

Best,

Jordan