#1
Facebook Pictures

In the image she wraps her arms
around a redwood tree, the way one
would hug an uncle.
In another she poses in the basin of a glacier
and then again at its icy summit.
She gazes into the distance, pointy-chinned and speculative,
slim but with a presence.
Everyone who has ever known her has fallen in love.

Her boyfriend's hair is the color of sun-dried tomatoes.
He is wholesome,
like seven-grain bread,
and probably doesn’t drink.

I wish, instead of seeing them like this:
So ****ing happy—
enough so to make me think they might stay that way forever—
I could see them argue:

“Nice of you to make dinner,” he’d say,
the dining room table layered in unpaid bills;
no plates, silverware; not even a bowl of pasta.
“Nice of you to come home,” she’d say,
Without taking her eyes off tonight’s episode, The Real Housewives of....
“It’s funny,” he’d say, “you know…”
“No,” she’d say, “I don’t.”

Can she be manipulative, lazy,
self-destructive, jealous? How
does she act when she doesn't
get her eight hours, or when she hasn't eaten
in a while?

I suppose I don't care anymore.
I always just wanted to see her naked,
and then to have her that way for a while:
voice like a Disney Princess, eyes like melted chocolate,
and I hear she does a pretty mean reverse cowgirl.
Thinking about her makes me love her more,
makes me wonder if it is love at all.

She is a siren with a microphone. Her voice,
her face, her body.
These are the things that call to me.
Last edited by JordanZZ at Aug 9, 2010,
#7
Wow...if you actually record yourself singing (and/ or playing this with an instrument) be sure to tell me. It's good, makes what I submitted today seem like shit to me...TO THE NOTEBOOK!
Have a good one,
Phoenix
#10
thanks dudes! Glad you enjoyed. Think this is about ready to be shipped around to publishing spots if anyone has recommendations...
#11
DANG. Really good - I want to see this put to music ASAP. Taps into a feeling that I think is pretty universal and definitely reminds me of a few... unpleasant... experiences with the fairer sex that were entirely my fault. My only advice would be to retitle it as "slideshow" or something - facebook pictures comes off as a tad creepy.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=24909275
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The man clearly knows his shit.

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one of the best, educated and logical posts I've ever seen on UG in the Pit. Well done good sir.
#12
T
Quote by FrustratedRocka
DANG. Really good - I want to see this put to music ASAP. Taps into a feeling that I think is pretty universal and definitely reminds me of a few... unpleasant... experiences with the fairer sex that were entirely my fault. My only advice would be to retitle it as "slideshow" or something - facebook pictures comes off as a tad creepy.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=24909275


Thanks for reading. To be honest the creepyness somewhat appeals to me and I think it adds something to the poem.
#13
This is quality. And I'm willing to bet that every one of these positive replies have been from guys - which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but is a testament to how this resonates - it is so good not only because it is written well, has a great flow and naturally relates to things most of us have in common - facebook, our better halves - but ultimately, it is so great because it is truth. And that, my friend, cannot be hidden by poetics or diversion. Thanks for writing this.
#14

“Nice of you to make dinner,” he’d say,
the dining room table layered in unpaid bills;
no plates, silverware; not even a bowl of pasta.
“Nice of you to come home,” she’d say,
Without taking her eyes off tonight’s episode, The Real Housewives of....
“It’s funny,” he’d say, “you know…”
“No,” she’d say, “I don’t.”




This is one of the best passages I've ever come across. Keep up the good work, sir.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#15
WOW! Excellent!I can see this with a soft acoustic in the background while its almost just told as a story. Everything in it is so natural and flowing. One of the best ones i've seen in awhile.
would you mind C4C?
Your lyrical expertise would be greatly appreciated
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1348087
or https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1348000
MIM Tele
Fender Blues Jr NOS
Schecter Omen 6
Squier Strat
Greg Bennett Acoustic
other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!
#16
That was one of the most incredible set of lyrics I've ever read. I'm stunned, no joke. Espeially seeing how most lyrics about modern technology and teen life are complete shit, this was fantastic. Reminds me of something Andy Hull would write, like Colly Strings or something. Please PM if you record it into a song!
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My cover of Manchester Orchestra's "I Can Feel Your Pain"
http://www.mediafire.com/?jfvt54j4mkiiq99
#17
Form - I'm a big fan of free-verse and I use it most of the time, as it allows for a much broader storyline and the lack of constrictions certain rhythms and rhyming techniques could present. Some of the line breaks though put me off slightly. Try and end a line at the end of a statement, or during a conjunction of two related statements.

Plot - The plot is fairly basic, with the usual tangent to a what-if scenario. That's been done to death and although this certainly isn't the worst, I can't say it's the best either.

Grammar - There should be a comma after "image" in the first line. As it stands, she's wrapping her arms around the picture rather than the tree within the picture with her. In the fractured question, the word "or" should be placed immediately before "jealous". At the end of the penultimate line, either a comma or semi-colon, not a full stop, the two statements are related to one another. "I wish, instead of seeing them like this:" should not have the colon at the end. A full stop should suffice.

Diction- "I always just wanted to see her naked" should, as far as diction is concerned, be "I only [ever/really] wanted to see her naked".

Ambiguity - Fairly apparent what you're going for here. The humdrum conversation is well put together and lends a sort of amalgam of realness and surrealism which is a nice clash to pull off.

Execution - It's not bad. I can't say it's the best I've ever seen as some people before me seem to be saying, but it's far from the worst, and you should take something from that.
#18
Hello Daemonika,

Thanks for reading. I agree with you that this is not the best poem that has ever been written, and not the worst, and I enjoy that you said that multiple times in your critique. What an odd thing to say, if you think about it. Anywho... I think you're right about injecting a comma into that first line, although my initial reaction was to disagree with you for fear of adding a full pause so early in that line. With the line breaks I forget why I broke them how I did, so I may have another look.


Ambiguity - Fairly apparent what you're going for here. The humdrum conversation is well put together and lends a sort of amalgam of realness and surrealism which is a nice clash to pull off.


I'm not sure I properly conveyed the inner-seething both of the characters have for one another. "Humdrum" and an "amalgam of realness and surrealism" are not exactly what I was aiming for here, but some tension. Again, I may have to look at it again.

Execution - It's not bad. I can't say it's the best I've ever seen as some people before me seem to be saying, but it's far from the worst, and you should take something from that.

Are you a young underpaid English teacher? The condescension is strong in you!

Jordan
#19
Hey everyone. Thanks again. In putting this to music I am running into some rhythm snags. Will take some work and some changes. Will see what I can do. Thanks for the encouragement!
#20
this hits me right in the gut. i dont have a Facebook but i totally get the message. Gnar Gnar awesome stuff!
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PlayStation Network: Koltzow


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At least you know you're attractive..

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I'd smack his ass too.
#21
I see what you mean when you say "the creepyness somewhat appeals to me"; however, I don't think creepy is the right word.... I mean, it's just honesty, and lust. People hide these emotions to avoid seeming creepy, but everyone has them.

The only thing I'd change is the line "like seven-grain bread"; I see what you were going for, but I feel you can do better.

Still, a very impressive piece.

C4C? The one in my sig needs it.
#22
Quote by herby190
I see what you mean when you say "the creepyness somewhat appeals to me"; however, I don't think creepy is the right word.... I mean, it's just honesty, and lust. People hide these emotions to avoid seeming creepy, but everyone has them.

The only thing I'd change is the line "like seven-grain bread"; I see what you were going for, but I feel you can do better.

Still, a very impressive piece.

C4C? The one in my sig needs it.



That's weird. I tripped up on that "seven-grain bread" line a re read it. Thought it was a good way to describe it.

Takes all sorts i spose.

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#23
*sniff* *sniff*
oh... my... god...
man, that is truely amazing. at first when I saw it, it didn't look as if it would be what it was, after the first stanza I was kind of lost in a haze wondering where you were going to go with this poem, but then after you started speculating on how they were so happy together, it hit me.
this is an incredible piece. by far, the best I have read here on UG.
I suppose I don't care anymore.
I always just wanted to see her naked,
and then to have her that way for a while:
voice like a Disney Princess, eyes like melted chocolate,
and I hear she does a pretty mean reverse cowgirl.
Thinking about her makes me love her more,
makes me wonder if it is love at all.


^^^this was the best stanza for me, even though it seemed like a creep wrote it or somebody remotely disturbed, it was just so damn powerful.

I love every line of this piece. It's amazing.

C4C? Can you do my piece, Half My Heart, below?
and if you have time, maybe even do, Love is A Powerful Thing.
It was first attempt at a Poem so to speak, the rest are just lyrics.
thanks for giving me a good read Post some more
#24
I just read this again, and I know I said I liked it before, but that was a while ago. I'm glad I found it again. It's really bloody good. Solid, honest, loving and lonely. Marvelous form.