#1
c4c

everything was probable she said as she outlined hearts in the sand dunes,
whispering the wind through her roman nose on a late december-beach whose sand had grown tired and flat like the small dosage of pasty residents pretending to be nationalistic of it. yet, i feel more and more attracted to her everyday and i am not jealous of those who have bedded with her for i know what has driven them to her home.

everything is probable, even the fall of yourself.
Last edited by Mutmoo at Aug 2, 2010,
#2
I can't tell if the tone is sarcasticly prim or just prim. It has a sarcastic edge.

I like it, though. i feel that way about people, or have, or will, and perhaps just the way you approach the topic and the angles you give is enough for it to be good.
#3
The first sentence has something akin to a "sensory overload". There are just SO MANY DESCRIPTIONS crammed in one sentence. It's just a giant string of descriptions and the importance and impact of each one gets lost in the rest of them. The second sentence struck me, because it's a massive change from the first. It's really formal, and kind of pretentious. Especially your use of "bedding". And abode. I don't know, it just didn't sit well with me. Like you were trying to hard to be fancy. Or something.

Like the idea, don't like the execution at all.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
i would get rid of all of the punctuation period if it was my poem and have it all run together. but then again, everyone hates the layout of my poetry. shrug. i enjoyed it for what it was.
#5
That second sentence is meant to be somewhat pretentious, but now reading it over "abode" makes it go off the deep end. I'll just change that to home. I'd like to see what others think it's about so that I can find new meaning in it.

I'd suggest some of you look up the number 8.