#1
I know certain parts of this need to be revised (working on that right now actually), but if this gets overall positive feedback, I'll record and post a demo of the song on here somewhere. Also, suggestions for a name for the song would be appreciated .


Will you be the one to take me by the hand
Down to the river on the pale white sand
Under the shade of our old oak tree
Birds looking down on us in green envy


If all that mattered was that we believed
In this worn and tired symphony
Would you wait with me for the autumn leaves
Until the earth slips back into the sea


Let's stay inside til the storm has passed
And we can go back to laying in the grass
There was something you asked me long ago
Back when the yard was covered in snow

You said-

Will you be the one to take me far away
Down to Appalachia where we can stay
Under the shade of our old oak tree
The whole world watching us in green envy


If all that mattered was that we believed
In this worn and tired symphony
Would you wait with me for the autumn leaves
Until the earth slips back into the sea


(Insert Instrumental)


Will you be the one to lay me in the ground
Peacefully, without a sound
And when everything turns from black to white
Maybe I'll see you on the other side
"Love everything. Know nothing."

"What do you mean 'do you even know how to play bongo drums?'?! Do I not have hands?! And pot?!"
Last edited by TheJake1 at Aug 1, 2010,
#2
I'm interested to see the revised version when your done. I like the way the tone of the song changes in the last verse and even though the tone is much bleaker the line "Maybe I'll see you on the other side" shows that love is still the main thing on the person's mind.
For song names maybe "Tired Symphony". It's the best I can think of atm.

If you wouldn't mind having a look at my song it would be appreciated.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1345522
Quote by Next Hendrix
Walk in on your wife with another man.
Kill them both.
Go to prison in Louisiana.
Have conversation with the Devil.
Instant harmonica asskickery.
#3
Thanks for the crit, I crit'ed yours. Putting in some of the revisions right now, so any other feedback for this partially revised version is appreciated, especially constructive negative criticism.
"Love everything. Know nothing."

"What do you mean 'do you even know how to play bongo drums?'?! Do I not have hands?! And pot?!"