#1
you are scared to come home to me tonight
shaking in shoes three of your toes pop out
no nailpolish or nothing you have clear eyes

i am too serioso, demasiado loco
constantly talking about god
el dios mio who guilts you at night when we fight oh yeah feeling divine
up tempo whine when you open the door and feet slap the floor
gesticulating like trout in a hatchery you think you're a match for me
sparking up your teeth letting me smell the juicy flesh underneath
the neighbors are thinking of calling cops but they dont know that all they see is show
the real domestic abuse comes
noiseless

when i cover my face with a pillow
choke myself out with your shirt
take showers to calm down only to
explode again when you dont drop the issue tissue red in your hand
where did that blood come from no one knows but it shows under my towel
and you're done with messing around with peter crying wolf bullshit
so you storm out of the room only to come back and storm out again
knowing that neither one of us have a friend in the world except each other
and we obviously only are here to want to kill one another

when we make up starting to get light outside
cracking through feels less sincere than the last time
soon we're not going to be able to make up at all
and the second we've started looking for the foot
that might step on the wrong hole and fall is the second we're so far gone we've already given up the hope of it all

one more week in new york
then two weeks in portland
then we wont see each other for eight months

when i stop talking to you and stare at the ceiling
i'm wondering if eight months is enough for both of us to find god
Last edited by #1 synth at Aug 2, 2010,
#2
I'll get back to this later tonight/tomorrow, thanks for the crit earlier.
#3
I spent awhile thinking of what I would criticize. Would it be the punctuation? The seemingly random and unnecessary use of the spanish language? The occaisonal rhyming that pops up?

Actually, I will be criticizing none of that as it strangely, and excellently, works in this piece. Those last three stanzas and the first are brilliant. Only part I didn't like was the use of gesticulating, seemed out of place.
#4
I quite liked the punctuation, myself. I would prefer that you use line breaks to accentuate the rhythm, but that ain't your way. Clearly, this is a rhythmic piece, and without a hook into your personal performance rhythm, I don't feel like I can give you a valid crit, here.

For instance:
i am too serioso, demasiado loco
constantly talking about god
el dios mio who guilts you at night when we fight oh yeah feeling divine
up tempo whine when you open the door and feet slap the floor
gesticulating like trout in a hatchery you think you're a match for me
sparking up your teeth letting me smell the juicy flesh underneath
the neighbors are thinking of calling cops but they dont know that all they see is show
the real domestic abuse comes
noiseless
To me, the rhythm here is needlessly choppy, but it doesn't have to be. Read like this, I feel it more:
i am too serioso
demasiado loco
constantly talking about god
el dios mio
who guilts you at night
when we fight
oh yeah feeling divine
up tempo whine
when you open the door
and feet slap the floor

gesticulating

like trout in a hatchery
you think you're a match for me
sparking up your teeth
letting me smell
the juicy flesh underneath
the neighbors are thinking of calling cops
but they dont know
that all they see is show
the real domestic abuse

comes
noiseless
That's all I got.

peace