#1
you hear me out?
what's a tree without root?
lion without tooth?


out there a stirring beyond the windows
out there a sweeping towards the morning
white headlights broke up the black matter
and marred all the constellations you conjured
up on your bedroom ceiling

and when that light was wiped away
you only laid there wide awake
dangled by a string around
and around your atmosphere

i bet then the earth looked smooth


and now
what a time it is for this storm to quiet
and for starlessness to swarm this street
one russian physicist said nothing was gained
from sending laika off to die
but i disagree

because i've even heard
the bells around st. petersburg bark
and i've only my guilt to give you
to forever fulfill

the stretching space between my ears
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Aug 3, 2010,
#2
Quote by SubwayToVenus


out there a stirring beyond the windows
out there a sweeping towards the morning
white headlights were flooding the black matter
and marred all the constellations you conjured
up on your bedroom ceiling

and when that light was wiped away
you only laid there wide awake
dangled by a string around
and around your atmosphere


and oh what a time for the storm to quiet
and for starlessness to swarm this street
one russian physicist said nothing was gained
from sending laika off to die
but i disagree

because similar to how
the bells around st. petersburg bark
at least my guilt will give you
some company


I really like the first two lines. The second two are good, but are a little wakward. "marred" and "flooding" seem to be chosen because they're fancy (I don't know if this is true, but just how it seems). Great imagery though.

I think you should cut out "only" from the second stanza. I like the way it sounds, but the atmosphere line is a little confusing.

I like the third stanza, but it is a little wordy. If you or whoever can sing it and it flows that's fine. It just didn't really work in my head, but that could just be me.

I don't understand the final stanza. I think for this piece, that has to be the one that makes the rest of this make sense. It doesn't really do that though, I'm just more confused. All in all, I really like it and see a lot of potential in this piece. I hope I could be of some help. Please cirt one of mine when you have time.
#3
thanks man. sorry for the confusion. it probably it was one of those things where the writer thinks he's implying enough but he only thinks that because he's the one who's thinking those thoughts. i tend to do that from time to time.

i also took some of your suggestions and made a few edits so again thank you. i'll definitely drop something on one of yours. i see you have one on the first page
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
funny, brokencoastline mentioned laika in a recent piece. maybe summertime reiterates in the mind a fascination with stars and the sky and what may be floating up there, growing colder with the summer air, happening seconds and minutes and hours and thousands of years before you can see it.

anyway
the mix of settings in this, moving from car to bed, causes a great shift in dynamics. your speaker went from veering quickly here and there in the night to talking of quiet ceilings and laying still in the sheets. I almost feel anxiety reading this, like I do when I sneak back into my house and everything is silent except for me, like my fists clenching and fingers trying to find something to wrap around when conversation stops with someone and you dont have the words to say what your face is describing

if you cant tell, I like this.
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