#1
This is a reggae/rock/hip-hop(not much hip-hop, but that's an influence) song I just wrote this morning. Please give me any criticism. C4C

I don’t need no Maserati; I don’t need to flashy chains.
I don’t need no fancy mansion; I don’t need no diamond rings.
I don’t need a lot of money; don’t need no Mercedes Benz.
Money isn’t real; it doesn’t matter in the end.
I’m sick of this plastic culture.
Where it’s Visa and reality TV,
Worshipped by the masses.
But that’s not me.
I’m leaving in the morning,
Heading to a foreign land.
Where time moves a little slower,
And sun shines on the sand.


Oh, I’m moving on.
Got to get out of this town, in the morning I’ll be gone.
Take me to Jamaica, in Costa Rica I’ll be home.
Cause I’m moving on, yes I’m moving on.


Back in the day we used to play it real cool,
Backyard parties and some girlies in my pool.
Nowadays things just ain’t the same,
Entertain to maintain, but I think I’ve gone insane.
It’s work, work, work.
I try so hard, but can’t seem to get too far.
It’s my time now, I can see the sign.
Got the shine of the sol on my face, the wind at my back,
And I know that I’ll be just fine.


Oh, I’m moving on.
Got to get out of this town, in the morning I’ll be gone.
Take me to Jamaica, in Costa Rica I’ll be home.
Cause I’m moving on, moving on.
Yes I’m moving on,
Heading to a foreign land.
Where time moves a little slower,
And sun shines on the sand.
Last edited by Ramblin'_Man at Aug 6, 2010,
#2
Nice i love the Idea. my only crit is in the chorus is "got to get out of this town" you should put "cause in the morning ill be gone"
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#4
In my opinion, this has the potential to be a catchy song but a lot of that will depend on the music you accompany it with. However, if i'm critiquing solely the lyrics, I'd have to say that there isn't much for the reader to sink into and really connect with. I mean, I'm sure the idea is sincere but you've only really skimmed the surface of it. You've touched on many things: the materialistic trend of society, the desire to get away, the nostalgic recollections of summer pool parties. Yet you haven't expounded on any of them enough for me to connect with you as the artist. After reading this I know why you, me, or anyone for that matter would want to get away but I still don't know why YOU, specifically, want to get away. What is it about the pool parties and your memories that make you feel this way? Why Jamaica and Costa Rica? What specifically about our "plastic culture" makes you sick?Give details and elaborate a little. Make it personal to yourself and, en route, it will be personal for us.

That being said, don't get too bogged down in the details. Rhythm and flow are so important in songs, especially hip-hop songs. But I just wanted to make the point that the lyrics by themselves need a little more, in my opinion. This can be a catchy song but if you want it to resonate with people deeper, I think a little reworking wouldn't hurt.

Thanks for getting to mine, by the way. Appreciate it
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Thanks for the info. A lot of the deeper questions as to why are covered more in depth in other songs. My goal for this one was to have a shortish, fun, catchy song that still has some meaning and isn't utter bullsh!t. Thanks again for you time.
#6
this is a really happy piece i really enjoyed reading it and would much more enjoy hearing it depends on what kind of instruments you put it to. i think you should go with some tropical kind of instruments. if you've heard Armada Latina by Cypress Hill, that could be kind of what I'm getting at.
keep up the good work bud!


C4C please and thanks