#1
i haven't told you
anything.

i look at pictures of you smiling
facing a sun and facing a life,
calm and perfected.

the summer went like a fast-paced sleep,
drowsy but alert to the passage of time
unable to act upon realizations.
we look in a mirror and see measured hours
of empty self-conscious space,
of spoonfuls of dying to be with someone,
anyone, but mostly you;
of sounds we make in our sleep.

we see stars on sidewalks
and fragile paths towards the edge
of this planet.

i haven't told you anything.
#2
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i haven't told you
anything.
This is one of the things I like about some of your work, you have a little statement that tells us what the whole thing's about, but not so much you lose interest. Very good

i look at pictures of you smiling
facing a sun and facing a life, Well, I don't know about repeating "facing," try something a little different like Facing a sun, a life still to be done
calm and perfected. Calm in serenity

the summer went like a fast-paced sleep,
drowsy but alert to the passage of time
unable to act upon realizations.
we look in a mirror and see measured hours
of empty self-conscious space,
of spoonfuls of dying to be with someone,
anyone, but mostly you;
of sounds we make in our sleep.
It might just be me but this last line sounds a little random, omit

we see stars on paved sidewalks Maybe? That is just a top of the head, "hey let's try that..."
and fragile paths towards the edge
of this planet.

i haven't told you anything.

I actually really like it. It's a subject a lot of people have troube, so it's really relatable. Though it could use imagry, for it sounds a little bland, but it still sounds good as is. Of course all blue and other suggestions are just a "top of the head" ideas, so you could either take them as they are, brainstorm for something better, or even leave as is Keep on Writing
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I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Aug 11, 2010,