#1
This was a poem I wrote last year about Darfur, and I'm finally getting around to writing music for it. The structure might not be fantastic, but I was 14 when I wrote this, so go easy on me =P

Father grabs his gun and goes out to fight
And I don’t know I f he’ll come home tonight.
I was born by chance in this forsaken land
Had to grow up fast and become a man.
Fighting and raping and killing rages on
And I can’t help but feel like all hope is gone.
Unless the world wakes up and sees the light
I’ll be forced to go out and fight.
We’re on the World’s Death Row without a last meal
I guess Genocide isn’t that big a deal

A whole nation engulfed in tribal warfare
While the rest of the world is content to just stare
At their TV sets, a safe distance away
Meanwhile, over here, it gets worse every day
A few may take notice and do what they can
But we all can’t be saved by just one man
We need the whole world to help our wounds mend
Or I fear this Genocide, it’ll never end.
#2
Damn bro', that's pretty amazing. I think it's cool how you were able to make it rhyme like that, all the way through. Be sure to post the music when it's done, I want to hear it.
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#3
Thanks! I was reading the guidelines and forum rules before I posted this and saw a lot of anti-rhyme sentiment so I was worried for a while
#4
This is one hell of a poem man, I usually try not to rhyme but lyrics almost always come out better when they do rhyme. I'm excited to hear the music with it. 10/10
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How was Confucius death metal?
You've clearly never read any Confuscius.

As I wait on the edge of the earth,
I can see the walls being torn down again
Only to be rebuilt in another name,
On a different day
#5
Thanks! The music is...getting there. It's just E and F power chords, palm muted triplets until the end where a G is added for good measure. The lyrics are definitely the best part of the song, IMO
#6
Wow, that's pretty great, man. =D I don't read a lot of poetry, especially poetry that's intended to be put to music, but I was thorougly impressed by it all. It's very visual, and I dig that. Keep writing!

-sleepofangels64
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#7
Nice! I can see this set to a kind of thrashy song. The rhyme scheme never feels forced and you do a great job of mixing outrage with agony, personalizing things and drawing in the listener/reader more. Great job!


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one of the best, educated and logical posts I've ever seen on UG in the Pit. Well done good sir.
#8
****ing glorious, man. Really good job. Conveyed point of view, emotion, was well written, hardly anything I could think to change, seriously.

When poems like this come through, I feel a little weird to critique them, because there isn't really anything constructive I can offer. It was a great piece, and I hope I can read more of what you've got.
#9
when i read this it think rage against the machines...not sure if you had that in mind or not its just the vibe i get...I like it...could have great instrumental potential