#1
This one goes out to Michelle Bachman, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Anne Coulter, Fox News, and all you tea party people. If you're a tea partier reading this - this is how you guys come across to people who don't agree with you. Not because I disagree, but because you flatly refuse to acknowledge the fact that anyone who disagrees with you might possibly have the best interests of this country in mind. Just something to think about.

Delivery: Every syllable of the verse = an eighth note. FAST.

Ban the science save the church and blast the people for desertion
Kill the doctors then just maybe blame the victim for the baby
Toss the orange leave the peel out ignore all the pain we deal out
Sinking ship on holy water they’re the lambs now start the slaughter

Only we possess the truth
You disagree you die
We allow no dissent here
Kiss your free will goodbye

CHORUS
Are you playing on our team?
If you’re not you hate your country
We the people only means
You if you agree with us

Better 4 wives than 1 husband read the bible and understand
Save the planet ha that’s funny you see carbon I see money
Better sick than socialist don’t help the people this we insist
Freer market freer masses free to starve or wipe our asses

Buckley’s dead and Kristol’s gone
And Safire’s in the ground
We’ll use the torch they passed to us
To burn this party down

CHORUS
SOLO

So put your
Party before country

I do C4C as always.
Quote by dr_shred
FrustratedRocka you are a legend

Quote by littlephil

The man clearly knows his shit.

Quote by Banjocal


one of the best, educated and logical posts I've ever seen on UG in the Pit. Well done good sir.
#2
Conveyed your point really well. Wasn't cloudy or vague at all. Also, I feel it was very well written. There were a few lines I wouldn't of used, but given the style the poem is meant to be read it, it all works.
#3
FANTASTIC. I've tried writing poems/songs conveying the same sarcastic, PO'd attitude regarding closed-minded right-wingers, and nothing has turned out this good.

"Only we possess the truth
You disagree you die" This part, along with the whole second verse, make this one of my favorite political pieces, can't wait to hear the music!
#4
This is a well written piece, but definitly only talking about the most extreme people, and if this is meant at all right-wingers you are quite ignorant about us (I consider myself a libertarian). All in all, it is a good peice, just frustrating haha but everyone is entitled to their opinion
Last edited by Ramblin'_Man at Aug 5, 2010,
#5
I agree with it being directed towards the extremists. "Not because I disagree, but because you flatly refuse to acknowledge the fact that anyone who disagrees with you might possibly have the best interests of this country in mind" I quite liked this bit
#6
Quote by Ramblin'_Man
This is a well written piece, but definitly only talk about the most extreme people, and if this is meant at all right-wingers you are quite ignorant about us (I consider myself a libertarian). All in all, it is a good peice, just frustrating haha


Relax, this is only directed at the extremists. Thanks for the crit.
Quote by dr_shred
FrustratedRocka you are a legend

Quote by littlephil

The man clearly knows his shit.

Quote by Banjocal


one of the best, educated and logical posts I've ever seen on UG in the Pit. Well done good sir.
#7
Quote by FrustratedRocka


Ban the science save the church and blast the people for desertion
Kill the doctors then just maybe blame the victim for the baby
Toss the orange leave the peel out ignore all the pain we deal out
Sinking ship on holy water they’re the lambs now start the slaughter

^I feel like this is an incredibly powerful opening, and it's definitely getting your point across. The only thing I don't fully understand is the line "then just maybe blame the victim for the baby". What do you mean by that? haha


Only we possess the truth
You disagree you die
We allow no dissent here
Kiss your free will goodbye

^Amazing prelude into the chorus. Don't you dare change a thing haha


CHORUS
Are you playing on our team?
If you’re not you hate your country
We the people only means
You if you agree with us

^This is a great chorus, but I think maybe you could change the second line a little bit. I feel like it sort of messes up the flow of it all, and it's a little bit too specific. But besides that, it's great.

Better 4 wives than 1 husband read the bible and understand
Save the planet ha that’s funny you see carbon I see money
Better sick than socialist don’t help the people this we insist
Freer market freer masses free to starve or wipe our asses

^Another amazing verse, imo. The only thing I'd change is the bible part, because there are other religions out there as well that make that same point. So maybe say "read the text and understand" since most major religions base their faith off of sacred text of sorts. Besides that, it's amazing.

Buckley’s dead and Kristol’s gone
And Safire’s in the ground
We’ll use the torch they passed to us
To burn this party down

^I'm afraid I personally don't understand the first two lines of it haha but I'm guessing they're some sort of political figures, yes? Anyways, another great prelude into the chorus. Don't change anything.


CHORUS
SOLO

So put your
Party before country

^Amazing way to end the song. I can't think of anything to change

I do C4C as always.


So, all-in-all, I think this is a pretty amazing song. Do you have it recorded at all? Cuz if so I'd love to hear it. If not...then record it xD
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#8
Quote by sleepofangels64
So, all-in-all, I think this is a pretty amazing song. Do you have it recorded at all? Cuz if so I'd love to hear it. If not...then record it xD


Um... wow... that may be the most positive reception any of my lyrics has ever gotten. Thanks a lot! There's an extremely rough version of the music for this on my profile - this is actually a pretty old idea that I just dusted off and updated recently. I've been recording a new version all day. Unfortunately I think my writing's better than my singing, but oh well...


EDIT: William Buckley, Irving Kristol, and William Safire were republicans who I respected as being reasonable while still being firm in their beliefs - the exact opposite of the people I rail against here.
Quote by dr_shred
FrustratedRocka you are a legend

Quote by littlephil

The man clearly knows his shit.

Quote by Banjocal


one of the best, educated and logical posts I've ever seen on UG in the Pit. Well done good sir.
Last edited by FrustratedRocka at Aug 6, 2010,
#9
This is... long.

My initial impression, without going into much details, which I will do, was of hesitation and a slight bit of a "oh no, not a political poem" feeling. I don't generally like political poems, however the verses to "We didn't start the fire" may prove the exception to my rule. If you compare your's to Billy Joel's, you'll notice a big difference right off the back. His poem / song is a list of people, places, and events, and if the listener knows anything about history in the past several decades, simply naming those things brings with them a very long and convoluted history--and what a climax, too!

Here, this is different. Your poem takes the voice of an argument. It's not objective. It reminds me of one side of an argument heard at a family dinner table. The other side, also spitting equal and opposite counter-arguments, happens to be missing. It might be more interesting for you to attempt to consider the other side's argument, and attempt to explain their thoughts in a way that make sense, because those opinions do make sense to a somewhat sizable number of people in the country. Empathy, I suppose, might be interesting.

For instance, I was talking to an oncologist just the other day, and I asked him about health care, and though I was drunk, I think I remember him telling me why he does not believe in Universal health care, and thinking about it now it's also an argument I'd heard before. Quite simply, there isn't enough money to provide top-notch health care for all while still putting money into R & D. Whether that is true or not is another question, but it's a fascinating one. Still, that information is probably irrelevent to your song/poem. Afterall, it's not supposed to be a master's thesis worth of information, but I suppose I wish it was, which only shows me why political poems are so difficult to write, because there is a lot to talk about, and most of it should be professional studies / articles / etc.

Anyway, this is my long and convoluted diatribe against political poems. And no, I don't think Green Day are to be commended for their political lyrics either, however they did get a Broadway show out of that, so what the hell do I know.


Ban the science save the church and blast the people for desertion
Kill the doctors then just maybe blame the victim for the baby
Toss the orange leave the peel out ignore all the pain we deal out
Sinking ship on holy water they’re the lambs now start the slaughter


This stanza is a bit too far removed for my taste. There is some clever wording, and yet it is a bit wordy too.

Ban the science, save the church, and blast the people for desertion.
Kill the doctors and blame the victim for the baby.
Toss the orange, leave the peel, ignore all the pain we deal.
Sinking ship on holy water: they're the lambs now, start the slaughter.

I added some punctuation, and cut a few words. I don't like filler words that only serve the purpose of rhyming or preserving rhythm. On the context level the 2nd two lines are not as strong as the first, because they are generic metaphors. What exactly, in this case, is the orange that is being thrown away? What is the peel they try to save? Maybe the wording is bothering me; I don't know, but if you define them you may be able to keep your metaphors in there. You listen to Bob Dylan at all?

Only we possess the truth
You disagree you die
We allow no dissent here
Kiss your free will goodbye


These lines are much, much shorter than the first stanza. It might add problems to your flow, but it might not. Those first stanza lines, I think, can be cut in half, so they may be the same rhythmically. I'd consider cutting out "we allow no dissent here"; that "here" really sticks out.

CHORUS
Are you playing on our team?
If you’re not you hate your country
We the people only means
You if you agree with us


The chorus is funny! "if you're not you hate your country." It's, of course, an old joke, but it's a good one. I don't know about your pronoun "you" in that fourth line though. It is a bit confusing. Perhaps you can reword it.

Better 4 wives than 1 husband read the bible and understand
Save the planet ha that’s funny you see carbon I see money
Better sick than socialist don’t help the people this we insist
Freer market freer masses free to starve or wipe our asses


Not sure what that means about the wives and 1 husband, although I guess it's probably a little feminist jab. I like that line though, quite a bit. 2nd line is a bit of a turn-off, only because it really demonizes these people, perhaps unfairly, but perhaps a lot of the poem does that. Here it just strikes me as... well, the whole stanza, except that first line, really turns to demonize these people. It comes across as pretty harsh and biased.

Buckley’s dead and Kristol’s gone
And Safire’s in the ground
We’ll use the torch they passed to us
To burn this party down

CHORUS
SOLO

So put your
Party before country


I don't know who buckley, kristol and safire are, and if I wasn't exhausted I'd look them up. I also don't know what torch they passed to us, although I think you can probably squeeze any number of issues into that analogy.

This is, of course, hastily written, so excuse any issues/confusions because of that, but feel free to ask questions/disagree/whatever, and I'll probably re-read this again tomorrow and make an amendment or two. Also, I think the best combatant I've seen go against these types of people are John Stewart and The Daily Show, quite simply because they take the words out of those people's mouths, and then show an utter contradiction in their thinking.

Anyway...

Best,

Jordan