#1
Untitled

I look at the sky see time passing by
Just the thought of you makes my heart fly
fly high oh oh fly high oh oh

One day I fell into the dreamy sea
Woke up next mornin' and you were next to me
cantcha see oh oh cant you see oh oh

Some day we'll walk along the silver lane
We'll hold hands as angels sing or names
and our praise oh oh our praise

First attempt at song writing...idk what's your opinion?
#2
I think hearing the instrumental and melody will help with the "Oh oh" stuff It's kind of cliche, but I personally love the cliche, mushy ballads. As far as "critique", I'm assuming it's supposed to be "as angels sing our names", however, I feel like that's the weakest stanza. Being at the end, it should probably be the high point of the song, so you may want to re-work that. Just my 2 cents though. All in all, I thought it was pretty good

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1346698
#3
I agree with Chris on the last stanza being the weakest bit, not to stomp on your work, but to definitely say that while the piece has potential, that's holding it back, and please do make sure to let us know where we can hear the final version when ya get it done, brah.
#4
thanks you two i'll let you know and the last stanza was def spur of the moment so ill rework...not much of a lyricist I'm more of the progression guy...

what was weak about it btw?
Last edited by jrenkert at Aug 5, 2010,
#5
hmm... I think I can see where you might have been doing this with the last stanza too, but what I notice about your first two is that you do a really good job of bringing in strong imagery, while the third stanza doesn't deliver in the same way that 'falling into a dreamy sea' does. (btw, I loved that imagery )
#6
I agree with the imagery bit. The first two stanzas were quite strong in that regard, and it makes more sense hearing that the last one was "spur of the moment". Still good, but it could be better with work.