#1
even with my position i dont know whether heaven nor hell exists.
i don't see or feel souls as they rise and fall to their (proper?) placement.
i try not to think about it to often when i carry on with my job.
death isn't the worst part of my job, it's the constant pushing down i must do,
from the kids at playgrounds to the dreams of young adults.
i was elated when the Wright brothers stretched my horizons,
but i had to bring them down.
every paper plane, bird, and dandelion seed is false hope.
somedays, i place the blame on newton and apples
for exposing me for what i really am:
necessary. a job i can't quit.


sometimes it's hard being gravity.
Last edited by Mutmoo at Aug 5, 2010,
#2
First off, you are really white.

Now that thats out of my system, I like how it feels like a riddle, like what am i? If this is a first draft kind of a thing i like it, the only thing is I'd personally like it to flow more.

Cool stuff
#4
Hey its just you don't see flowery language and angst like that outside of Caucasia usually. Point being it would sound nicer with some stripping down and streamling.
#6
Take out the last line. If the reader is too stupid to figure it out without that, it's their fault.
kill all humans
#7
Quote by alaskan_ninja
Take out the last line. If the reader is too stupid to figure it out without that, it's their fault.



yeah and its just silly in an unnecessary way. cut the word elated it doesnt fit. your language is a little inconsistent and wording is a little iffy here and there. i think if you took a step back and went through it you could touch this up a bit-- make it a little more interesting ya know? you use 'job' too much but not enough to get any rhythm out of it. 'job' and the way you talk about it and the voice, it kind of makes the whole thing feel way contrived. like it was a school assignment more than a personal expression.

just stuff like you could just say i dont see or feel souls as they rise and fall without the to their proper placement and it would work better.

i try not to think of it too (you missed an o on too) often as i carry on with my job is clumsy but could easily be fixed or elimated

'i must do' is unnecessary and makes the right side of the line too heavy

it might help to vary the syntax a little more too.


hopefully this helps a little. mike is it? i think you could do something cool with this, just gotta cut off the dead weight and make it your own. really own the piece, man. cant let it push you around this way and at points it kind of feels like thats whats going on. or if youre gonna let it tell you what to do you better be ready to hang on. gotta pick one way or the other i suppose.

see ya around
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