#1
after writhing around so much in the dirt, sleepwalking outside and finding myself in the woods, I explored what I must have done when I slept and found a large rock. I had an urge sit on it. It fit my body almost perfectly. it held me like some hard, strong mother. I must have spent a lot of time on it when I wasnt thinking and left my mark. as I splayed out on the surface, legs intertwining with the smooth grooves and head cradled by the cool gray, i heard a train pass in the distance, singing some kind of eerie discordant angel song. it was frightening and i felt so cold, and suddenly the rock was no longer a comfort. I cried and cried until finally i was shaking and the rock was so much warmer, and it was okay, and I fell back asleep and did whatever it is that I do.

I spent a lot of time with that rock. eventually it smiled the way I do when i drink a cup of tea. I like my tea cold in the summertime, preferably peppermint, and piping hot in the winter, preferably clove. I like the way it consumes my entire body, flowing like a river inside of me and seeping out in beads of sweat later, either to cool me down or to warm me up. I dont know what the rock liked, but I recognized the smile and it was so comforting to me. I'd stay up just to listen to the eerie train song and feel the goosebumps over me, only to be comforted by my sweet rock friend. I spent more time awake than I ever should have. the dirt began to reform and my footsteps were no longer there. rivers became wider and i never knew, because i would never wake up with wet feet, only some calluses from rubbing against stone.

one night i stayed up listening to the discordant angels singing, crying every time i heard it, crying valiantly as my rock soothed the goosebumps away. something changed that night though. i had never looked at the side of the rock, and it had slipped from my observations that the more i dug myself into the rock, the more the excess being sloughed off was being turned into a set of arms and hands. finally that night the weary rock picked me up in its rough hands, threw me into the woods with its strong arms, and scowled the way i do when i wake up from an alarm.

I cried and writhed in the dirt, and it clung to me for some time, but eventually it went back to the way it was.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
thank you. it's really rough and i dont know what to do with it, I just spit it out, but it's all I could think about that morning.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
. I like my tea cold in the summertime, preferably peppermint, and piping hot in the winter, preferably clove. I like the way it consumes my entire body, flowing like a river inside of me and seeping out in beads of sweat later, either to cool me down or to warm me up


This was the only part that drug the piece down.
I think that this is a very good piece. I like the flow and where you go with it, as you've always written in unique places.
Sometimes, the adjectives got in the way. maybe sometimes a rock is a rock.
#5
I have to agree with hippieboy about that sentence, it's a bit too obvious and rough. But it's a pretty minor nitpick in a pretty incredible piece. you're writing lately has been so primal and natural and almost, visceral, I guess. I real pleasure to read.
#6
glad to see you back. i hope the 'desh treated you well. and i have to say, this is quite a return.

at first, i had trouble connecting with the idea of befriending a rock. it was an image that didn't really stick and resonate with the same vibrant hues that other images you've conjured have. however, after a few reads and rereads, the beauty of it slowly began to manifest itself in my mind and while now it doesn't have a smack of an impact on me, i'm confident that a few more reads will do the trick.

there were parts in here that i absolutely loved. describing the train as an "eerie discordant angel song" was so good. and your description of the rock growing arms and throwing you off into the woods was done with such subtlety and nuance that i didn't see it coming until after it happened. i thought that was particularly brilliant.

i'll go and be the "me three" in regards to the tea lines. I think you should use it in a future piece but I felt like it was thrown in there and then abandoned, especially when you proceeded it with "I didn't know what the rock liked, but I..." It just made it seem like everything you had just said didn't matter, like it was a footnote, an asterisk within the piece's overall meaning and framework. but, like kdownes said, it truly doesn't drag the entire thing down in a noticeable way. it's not like i cringe when i read it or anything, rather i forget about it. it seems lost from how i interpreted the entire piece as a whole.

and like i said, i'm glad you're back, chilly mac
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
idk. i guess the tea line is supposed to hint at a self-centered view that the speaker has, focusing only in herself, finding solace in the rock reflecting her smile back, a smile that she knows her own reason for but doesnt venture to find the rock's reason for. she is stuck in her head.
i can see why it drags though

i have so much work to do on this. thank you though, guys <3
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
This is interesting. I feel like critiquing it would be a mistake, somehow. It's got a jumpy, childlike rhythm to the writing, but somehow that gives it a different tone, one that might not be there if the wording was smoother.

I like the tangents, the way reading this feels like living inside your head for a little bit, having an apartment there, in a corner of your skull, and looking out a window at your brain and watching it pulsate, generate imagery.
kill all humans