some whiny, emo punkish bullshit. i'm not proud of it, but i'd like some critique.

you struck my heart without a care
now i see you everywhere
in a crowd of random faces
how can you be in all these places?
your face your touch is branded in my mind
i’m thinking about you all the time
you got wrapped around your finger
you stung me with your stinger

maybe it’s me or maybe it’s you
one thing is certain i don’t know what to do
checkin’ my phone to see if you’re callin’
baby it’s me, baby i’m fallin’

so i’m pickin’ myself up of the ground
thinkin’ i can go another round
but baby you’re a veteran
you just knock me out again
you make my heart beat outta time
startin’ to think that maybe i’m
fallin’ even harder
oh i’m fallin’ even harder!

maybe it’s me or maybe it’s you
one thing is certain i don’t know what to do
dragging myself, desperately crawling
baby it’s me, baby i’m fallin’
haha dude be a little patient! And some ppl don't have profiles so thats exactly what they do. I liked it, everything cliche under the sun but im also a sensitive-ass dude about stuff like this. Make music to it lol
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Put a piece of tape on the headstock and write "Gibson" on it.
If done properly, this should quadruple your sustain.

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That post is probably the deepest, wisest, most mature thing to ever spill forth from the Pit.

I agree that adding music to this would definitely help. I know there are a lot of songs that I really enjoy but the words without a melody leave me completely unimpressed.

However, before you add music, there almost too cliché rhymes in this piece, which you acknowledged you were aware of. What I think would really improve this poem would be a couple of really clever rhymes or some plays on words or something. As juvenile as it sounds, go to an online rhyming dictionary. Sometimes there are words you never thought of using, and that people won’t expect. I love being pleasantly surprised with a really well-written line. Try listening to the band WHY?. Their lyrics have completely changed the way I write.

Hopefully you found this to be a little helpful.