#1
i/
how are your calender year markings;
have you found a niche in your chest
for a heart? maybe next year will
move slower. maybe every moment
will be a little crushing embrace,
like a fleeting rush of blood
into an empty area of your body.
tell me what its like
to see someone you love
and never speak to them,
tell me that it is a moment
where you want to fall into a barrel,
where the sky gets so small
and so blurry and the only
thing you can do is watch
until the damp cotton balls
turn in on themselves,
passing above hemisphere.
you must be passive to live
you must have faith in the
fast pace at which time
shakes your hand and
graces the corner of the room;
all the nights you look out a window
drowsily wanting to do anything, something
other than wait
you must trust in that.

iii/
we take the last drips of breath
from our lungs and give them away
we suffocate, our compassion and
generosity. we suffer and we crawl.
love makes us suffer
we are unaware masochists
simple pronunciations for
a word that has a thousand contexts.
we separate the eyes from the color,
the color from the glazed, plush faces
they all say 'you are welcome for my presents'
we take the last clinging chills from our spines.

ii/
i am
hanging from impossible
altitudes, strung by wet
paper and
promises.
i open my
nerves to take in the
elastic horizons,
supine towards the east.
somewhere, i feel the pull of an emotion.
somewhere, i feel the pull of life-
one lonely empty atmosphere.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Aug 9, 2010,
#3
this was really all over the place to me and not in a 'oh, he's doing something i dont understand but i have faith that he knows what he's doing and i feel safe in his hands' kind of way. it sounded good but when i tried to peel back the layers i couldnt see anything there.
#4
hmm. second read and i tend to agree with synth. i feel this didn't leave much to the reader to come away with, rather then your other pieces where i feel they're a bit more open ended. sorry i dont have much else to say.
#5
lately, i've felt that i don't have much to leave the reader. this must be a reflection of that.
#6
"all the nights you look out a window / drowsily wanting to do anything, something / other than wait / you must trust in that." great line right there.

i agree with synth that it was all over the place but most of your pieces are, in terms of the images you use and you bounce around from one to the next. but for how i interpreted this, it seems like you were trying to fit in too much in such a little area because some of the images you brought up were quickly abandoned with little evocative power to them that the reader could come away with. i've personally made the same mistake plenty of times because i have so many things going on that i want to express that i essentially muddy up the waters.

an example of this i can give you is the line "tell me that it is a moment / where you want to fall into a barrel, / where the sky gets so small / and so blurry and the only /thing you can do is watch." i mean, it's a fantastic image of looking through a barrel and seeing a smaller sky, but before you could let that image really sink into me, you were on to the next thing. and while the "next thing" may have been related to this image, i personally couldn't build that bridge. i guess i just wish you would've held my hand through some of these images more to explain their place within the broader framework of the poem's meaning. there were other places were i felt the same, but i'll just give you that one. that is my biggest criticism of the poem, i guess.
here, My Dear, here it is