#1
I recently wrote this as a rough draft, ill be making the final cut soon so suggestions are welcome Comment and tell me if its any good!


Verse 1:
I’ve been waiting to see you,
For far too long,
Just to see your smile,
I’d walk a thousand miles.
I’ve missed you for years now,
And I will once you’re gone.
I just wish that that moment,
Would never come.

Chorus:
Half a heart is all i’ve got,
The other half’s with you,
Right now I’m missin you,
Just hope you’re missin’ me to.

Verse 2:
This place holds ‘many memories,
Of the times I spent with you.
Like time I’ve spent with no-one,
That I ever knew.
I guess what I’m sayin,
Is that I think I love you.
But you don’t need to know this,
It’d just make you blue.

Chorus:
Half a heart is all i’ve got,
The other half’s with you,
Right now I’m missin you,
Just hope you’re missin’ me to.

Verse 3:
Now please, don’t you forget me,
In the times to come.
As we all get older,
People ‘ave come an’ gone.
Just don’t forget me,
I don’t want ta be gone.
You cant lose me,
No matter what you’ve done.

Chorus:
Half a heart is all i’ve got,
The other half’s with you,
Right now I’m missin you,
Just hope you’re missin’ me to.
#2
nice, I like it. I have trying to write a song along these premises, even with the half a heart line, but ya beat me to it haha
MIM Tele
Fender Blues Jr NOS
Schecter Omen 6
Squier Strat
Greg Bennett Acoustic
other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!
#6
as far as lyrics go, they aren't that bad. the thing i hate about judging lyrics, is that they're supposed to rhyme (most of the time), but the rhymes are typically too corny. the rhyming limits ideas and makes you say certain things just because it rhymes with the last word, ect...

i enjoyed this though, you have some good thoughts that you put forth.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1347328

if you have time could you say a word or two on my piece on the link above? thanks
#8
Loveeee the chorus n can relate to it too the whole song is nice...
How come u stole d wrds right out of my mind n presented 'em in such lovely rhymes?


C4C?
#9
Alrightyy, I really like this. It's very nicely written for this specific subject, which i usually find so cliche and common, soo. nice job! (: tho i must say i'm not to cean on the chorus. and i think you should work on it, cuz these lyrics are pretttyy good (: yea so..chorus..a bit too..cliche for my taste (: so if you wanna, i think you should change it (: Other than that? nice job!



C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1347783
#11
Quote by Maddita
Alrightyy, I really like this. It's very nicely written for this specific subject, which i usually find so cliche and common, soo. nice job! (: tho i must say i'm not to cean on the chorus. and i think you should work on it, cuz these lyrics are pretttyy good (: yea so..chorus..a bit too..cliche for my taste (: so if you wanna, i think you should change it (: Other than that? nice job!



C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1347783


i was thinkin the same thing about the chorus, ive been tryin to re-work it but i can't seem to find the right words, thanks for the input
#16
The line "I’d walk a thousand miles" is good, but has been used too much. The line "That I ever knew" in the second verse seems jst thrown it, it doesn't make sense to me. Other than that the second verse is great. The chorus flows nice, but is kind of cliche. I think you should try elaborating on who this girl is(describe her so the reader/listener can connect), why she's leaving, where she's going, etc. Overall I like it, it has a lot of potential. The lyrics are solid, I think the music is what will make or break the song.
#17
Quote by Caboose911
I recently wrote this as a rough draft, ill be making the final cut soon so suggestions are welcome Comment and tell me if its any good!


Verse 1:
I’ve been waiting to see you,
For far too long,
Just to see your smile,
I’d walk a thousand miles.
I’ve missed you for years now,
And I will once you’re gone.
I just wish that that moment,
Would never come.
----only beef i have here is the double use of "that"

Chorus:
Half a heart is all i’ve got,
The other half’s with you,
Right now I’m missin you,
Just hope you’re missin’ me to.
----this chorus seems a little week. but it's catchy. and that definitely makes up for weakness. i think.

Verse 2:
This place holds ‘many memories,
Of the times I spent with you.
Like time I’ve spent with no-one,
That I ever knew.
I guess what I’m sayin,
Is that I think I love you.
But you don’t need to know this,
It’d just make you blue.
------i wish i had something to say about this stanza. i just really don't like it though, no offense. if you're fond of it, then by all means keep it. i'm indifferent, however.


Chorus:
Half a heart is all i’ve got,
The other half’s with you,
Right now I’m missin you,
Just hope you’re missin’ me to.

Verse 3:
Now please, don’t you forget me,
In the times to come.
As we all get older,
People ‘ave come an’ gone.
Just don’t forget me,
I don’t want ta be gone.
You cant lose me,
No matter what you’ve done.
-----this is definitely my favorite stanza. i can relate. i think this did a great job of tying it all together. for me at least.

Chorus:
Half a heart is all i’ve got,
The other half’s with you,
Right now I’m missin you,
Just hope you’re missin’ me to.



all in all, i thought this was decent.
last verse and the chorus make up for the things that this lacks.
i wish i could help you more.
but it's late.
i've got to get up early to flier the shit out of Warped Tour in the morning.

sorry this took so long.
i forgot that i was supposed to return a critique. or even that i posted my own lyrics on here.

thanks again though.

i'd give this a 6.5/10.
#18
Quote by TonyRandall
all in all, i thought this was decent.
last verse and the chorus make up for the things that this lacks.
i wish i could help you more.
but it's late.
i've got to get up early to flier the shit out of Warped Tour in the morning.

sorry this took so long.
i forgot that i was supposed to return a critique. or even that i posted my own lyrics on here.

thanks again though.

i'd give this a 6.5/10.


Quote by Ramblin'_Man
The line "I’d walk a thousand miles" is good, but has been used too much. The line "That I ever knew" in the second verse seems jst thrown it, it doesn't make sense to me. Other than that the second verse is great. The chorus flows nice, but is kind of cliche. I think you should try elaborating on who this girl is(describe her so the reader/listener can connect), why she's leaving, where she's going, etc. Overall I like it, it has a lot of potential. The lyrics are solid, I think the music is what will make or break the song.


Thanks to both of you ima keep workin on it,
feel free to crit my other pieces
#19
When I read this it reminded me of some 20's and 30's style blues. It has that feel in there. The concept is good. Only problem is the chorus. You use "You" at the end of two lines but, I understand the rhyme of You and Too and you can't really change it. Over all good work! Keep it up!
#22
Quote by Mattm2232
When I read this it reminded me of some 20's and 30's style blues. It has that feel in there. The concept is good. Only problem is the chorus. You use "You" at the end of two lines but, I understand the rhyme of You and Too and you can't really change it. Over all good work! Keep it up!


i dont really like the chorus either man :/ i dont know what to do with it though. cause not a lot fits in between those verses.

btw i wasnt aiming for 20's 30's blues? but if it sounds good in your head, think of it like that XD
#23
I like this, considering you said it was meant to be pop-rock.

I don't have much to say about it other than that.
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#24
really like the chorus. The half heart is really deep man. I guess I can relate to this song in a way. Really good man, looking forward to you recording it.
#25
Quote by Paydro91
really like the chorus. The half heart is really deep man. I guess I can relate to this song in a way. Really good man, looking forward to you recording it.

Thanks man it's comin' along nice still re-working the chords to make them sound great, and I would say it's comin' along really smoothly.
#26
First off, thanks for the crit on my peice =)

Now, onto your song. I enjoyed it, it seems a pretty decent song and the chorus is definitely the highlight. Alot of your lines are a bit to cliche for the subject matter however, and I would suggest looking into trying to keep the same rthymn down and add some sparkling imagery into it, its just kind of bland otherwise.

Overall, its a decent peice. Keep working at it!
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#29
Quote by timfoley
i liked it, although the rhyming could be more consistent
what kind of style will the song be?,
oh a btw in the chorus its too not to.
C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1355917

Well, right now, I'm debating weather it should be a pop rock song or if it should just be another acoustic piece to add to my vast collection of them :P btw could you finish your thought there about the chorus? I would really like to know what you thought of it.
#31
I don't mean to sound like a jackass, but to be quite honest these lyrics are immensely bland and predictable. I honestly don't see any attempt here to be original in the least- the work is pieced together with overdone phrases and pale hyperbole; immediate fodder for bland radio pop rock- there isn't too much here for literary merit- its all surface. again, you can essentially get the entire piece from the title- everything here has been said already and this adds nothing new. please keep writing, but please put some effort in.
#32
Quote by Sticky Tissues
I don't mean to sound like a jackass, but to be quite honest these lyrics are immensely bland and predictable. I honestly don't see any attempt here to be original in the least- the work is pieced together with overdone phrases and pale hyperbole; immediate fodder for bland radio pop rock- there isn't too much here for literary merit- its all surface. again, you can essentially get the entire piece from the title- everything here has been said already and this adds nothing new. please keep writing, but please put some effort in.

yeah, i never really felt that this was one of my strongest piece's. Although some people really seem to like it. So I guess it's kind of a love it or hate it relation with this song.
Sorry you didn't like it, this was one of my first. You got a piece you would like me to crit?
#34
Please refrain from posting in your own thread over and over Caboose (though a few posts isn't a problem... almost half the posts in this thread are from you). If you want to thank someone, you may use the PM system. This stops your piece from knocking other pieces off of the front page.

Thanks,

zC