#1
unfamiliar taste lingers
the words from your lips are all wrong
unusual, I'm all fingers
and thumbs
wondering what beast you've become

she was such a pretty girl
but envy split her tongue

harbinger of paranoia
slowly slipping into defense
secretely I'm praying for you
to settle
and to join me on the fence

she was such a pretty girl
but envy split her tongue

unfamiliar taste lingers
and I'm all fingers and thumbs
attempting to discover what you've done
#2
those girls with split tongues - they're something else entirely, aren't they? It's a whole new art and experience in the world, but their words - a venomous crescendo. wrong? maybe. I'm a poor judge. there's something here that keeps it from being complete. a missing puzzle piece, an image - like in the film Home Alone, before the abandonment, they're all watching TV, and this guy's face is being molded like it's clay by these fingers and thumbs - yes, that is what it reminds me of - I always meant to find out what they were watching - but I don't need to conclude that there is some blind bat here, but it depends on where the sun is and the amount of innocence it can claim this time around.

it's simple, mr. santa, and it has no lack of wonderment, but I do wonder if you're praying secretely, and if your prayers ooze like blood or pus or some green goo, or secretly under the protection of your bed, in the darkness of your room, or like some of those teenagers do with their friends at mcdonalds, bending down to tie their shoes before they eat, and making the sign of the cross, perhaps in thanks for the knot, but I'm thinking so their friends see naught. I have no conclusion for this - it is lovely but unconvincing, freeform in its flow but unaccusing in its inquisition. maybe I don't understand it, which is fine. but it is a good poem.
#3
I attempted to keep it ominous, foreshadowing, with the specifics left to be desired... there's oozing of something, but what exactly? I fancied the chance of putting a bridge inbetween the verse and second chorus, but for me I felt I was forcing the point to much and it was ruining the flow of the lyrics, becoming too stuffy and too much a narrative. I'm trying to write the emotion into pieces now, without having to narrate a story in my lyrics. It used to be "this happened, and I learnt this" with all this witty phrasing and clever rhyming. Now, it's about the mood, the tone, and the feel of my pieces, whilst still trying to tell something of a story, but in a more interesting way.

I'm still not enitrely happy with the second half of the second verse either, it's where I know this piece stumbles but in a way it compiments the first half nicely, extrapolating on the ambiguity whilst also increasing that foreboding atmosphere.

As always Spike, a pleasure. And knot/naught will filter through my soul until I find a suitable relase for that killer rhyme.

Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 9, 2010,
#4
simple and perfectly so. the chorus says enough on its own, and the verses give just enough hint to leave this with a terrible mood attached to it, and thats really all you need to describe what's going on. it's not fun and your hands are wrapped into each other wondering what the hell went wrong.
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it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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theguitarist
minterman22
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& alaskan_ninja

#5
Great read. Grats.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
The break between 'to settle/and join me on the fence' didn't feel quite right. Otherwise I really enjoyed this
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!