#1
I was flipping thru my lyric notebook, and found this partially completed one.

Verse 1:
You trace your steps
Back thru the door
Past the tear stains
Across the floor

Past the boxes
Full of memories
You hunt for the place
You can clearly see

The good times
We had before
Just you and me
Across the floor

Just out of reach
And out of time
We had to move on
Instead of live this lie

Chorus:
The love that we had
The time that we spent
The places that we saw
What had it meant?

Was it time wasted?
Or time well spent?
Had we lost in love?
Or just gave up in the end?

Verse 2:
We both faught
To keep it afloat
But maybe deep down
We were sinking this boat

Conversations
That burned the night
Now just echoes
Of your taillights
(This is where my writing ends)...thoughts?
I see a 2nd chorus then ending it...?? do yall think a 3rd verse is needed?
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If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!
#2
i like it!! everythings good except for maybe the last most line of verse1 "instead of live this lie" but i guess there is no need to change it. i have read all sorts of love songs and they all seem a bit same including yours but your lines are just too damn brilliant!! keep it up, great job!!
#3
Quote by leafwhisperer
i like it!! everythings good except for maybe the last most line of verse1 "instead of live this lie" but i guess there is no need to change it. i have read all sorts of love songs and they all seem a bit same including yours but your lines are just too damn brilliant!! keep it up, great job!!

Thanks man!! Ya, that line and maybe one other need some work. Glad to hear you like it
MIM Tele
Fender Blues Jr NOS
Schecter Omen 6
Squier Strat
Greg Bennett Acoustic
other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!
#4
I was flipping thru my lyric notebook, and found this partially completed one.

Verse 1:
You trace your steps
Back thru the door
Past the tear stains
Across the floor


I love the flow of this beginning. It's simple but very effective, like a children's book.


Past the boxes
Full of memories
You hunt for the place
You can clearly see


I am curious about "the place / you can clearly see", ie. where it is and what was so special about it. Memories, of course, are substance, but "memories" is collective; get into the details.

The good times
We had before
Just you and me
Across the floor

Just out of reach
And out of time
We had to move on
Instead of live this lie


I'm unsure about "across the floor", only because I keep tottering two images: between seeing two people playing boardgames or else having sex in a frenzy. Sex in a frenzy is probably better, but I do wonder because "across the floor" is rather unspecific. Also, you already mentioned "the floor" in the first stanza, and it's an odd word to repeat.

I wonder about all of the 2nd stanza quoted above. "Out of reach... out of time... had to move on..." and then "this lie." I wonder... what happened!?


Chorus:
The love that we had
The time that we spent
The places that we saw
What had it meant?

Was it time wasted?
Or time well spent?
Had we lost in love?
Or just gave up in the end?


I am curious about this chorus, only because I don't know if the questions are what I want to hear. I guess I would rather hear answers, even if they are uncertain or wrong. Perhaps you need to think about what you're writing about a bit more, and see if you can answer your own questions, and then write some more?

Verse 2:
We both faught
To keep it afloat
But maybe deep down
We were sinking this boat

Conversations
That burned the night
Now just echoes
Of your taillights


The image of taillights driving away is a haunting one, and it makes me wish you had used more images throughout the poem.

The best general piece of advice I can offer is to try to make the reader see and hear what inspired these thoughts and questions and regrets and whatever for the speaker of the poem. Take us to specific moments, to places, or to a series or collection of events, if that makes sense. All of these longings, or occurances, took place in a place, with characters, with actions, and those elements should probably come forward a little more in the writing, like with the final image of the tail light.

That's all. Let me know if you have any questions!

Best,

Jordan
#5
Thanks Jordan. That is some of the best advice anyone has given in this forum.

This song was actually spun off of my two close friends who broke up. Her parents told her they needed to see less of each other, and she completely changed her feeling for him. She said it was just "a waste of time". I don't know, I just made up this story off of that line. I guess you are right. I need to think it through better, rather than just alot of mystery and questions. Thanks again man, you are a big help!
MIM Tele
Fender Blues Jr NOS
Schecter Omen 6
Squier Strat
Greg Bennett Acoustic
other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!