#1
i wrote this about the only girl i've ever loved.


Baby, I’m sorry.

But girl, I know you still love me too
It will never be the same.
We can never go back to the days of fun.
Because now, everything is dead and numb.
Sitting here I can feel my hands, my face.
But my heart still aches.
I’m sorry I was too much for you.
Too much pain,
Too much heartache,
Too much time.
I’m sure I was none of that to you.
You won’t let me know.
You'd never let me see you regret.
You were all of that.
Girl, You were all of that.

I love you.
I’m sorry.


so what do you think? C4C?
Last edited by Caboose911 at Sep 26, 2011,
#2
Sounds like a Hinder song or something, set to the right progression with an emotional singer; this could be some good stuff!
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

#4
Yea I am with both of them. You would need a very emotionally powerful voice to pull off lyrics such as these.
#5
I agree with everyone else. You have something great if you put the emotion there. I hear a sorta Bright Eyes sound with it.
MIM Tele
Fender Blues Jr NOS
Schecter Omen 6
Squier Strat
Greg Bennett Acoustic
other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!
#7
Quote by Caboose911
sorry but, is Bright Eyes a song? i feel kinda stupid for asking XD

nah, a band.
give em a listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwFS69nA-1w
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSMHcT-TqJw&feature=related

I see it maybe like the second one.^
MIM Tele
Fender Blues Jr NOS
Schecter Omen 6
Squier Strat
Greg Bennett Acoustic
other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!
#9
Hmmm, its going have to have emotion like the other guys said. Uhm its okay, just try to break up and add a chorus or add more.
"Music became a healer for me. And I learned to listen with all my being. I found that it could wipe away all the emotions of fear and confusion relating to my family." Eric Clapton
#10
Yea I agree with Blackwaterson, break it up into a few verses, add a chorus and possibly a bridge.

The music probably would sound best with a piano as the main instrument.
#11
I agree with what everyone else said, which I guess isn't too much of a crit, but they did kind of nail it. It'd be nice for a lil bit of a different structure as a chorus, although that's not totally necassary. It was pretty raw in a good way.

I think it'd be nice to throw in "If" I love"d" you, I'm sorry. Just saying I love you seems a lil in your face, but don't change anything you don't want to. Stay true to your work. Nice job and thanks for the crit.
#13
Quote by leafwhisperer
i love it!! and yes as everyone said there are some flaws but there are lines that are just sooooo damn good that i overlooked the flaws!! so i would say i like it!! and i mean the whole of it!! if you have time can you go through my songs

drop the world
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1347768

thanks man! and no problem! will do
#14
I like the song. I find it relateable. Being in love, and hurting from knowing that she doesn't feel the same way. Maybe that's no how you meant it, but thats how I interpret it, and I like it very muchly
#16
I'm going to be that one guy that comes in and doesn't like this, sorry. It's not a bad piece, I know it's something your attached to as well. I feel like this summed it up for me:


Quote by NickGiovanni
Sounds like a Hinder song or something, set to the right progression with an emotional singer; this could be some good stuff!


1. I hate Hinder, they're a great example of the music industry breeding mediocre talent.
2. "Emotional singer" implies that he's capable of singing. You should check out some of Brand New's older stuff.

I really feel like you could have written the same idea and used some interesting metaphors and literary devices to make this piece SHINE. Don't be afraid to ramble, or let the piece wander. Keep writing, you've got lots of talent and a potential to cultivate it. Just start thinking outside the box a little more.

If you wanna crit my latest, here it is:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1348736

Thanks!
#17
Quote by jimmy388
I'm going to be that one guy that comes in and doesn't like this, sorry. It's not a bad piece, I know it's something your attached to as well. I feel like this summed it up for me:


1. I hate Hinder, they're a great example of the music industry breeding mediocre talent.
2. "Emotional singer" implies that he's capable of singing. You should check out some of Brand New's older stuff.

I really feel like you could have written the same idea and used some interesting metaphors and literary devices to make this piece SHINE. Don't be afraid to ramble, or let the piece wander. Keep writing, you've got lots of talent and a potential to cultivate it. Just start thinking outside the box a little more.

If you wanna crit my latest, here it is:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1348736

Thanks!


thanks man ill crit crit yours when i get to it. and ill take it Brand New is a band then?
#18
I really didn't care for this line...

I’m sorry I was too much for you.

And the last two little lines you could do without...

I love you.
I’m sorry.

Those lines are really said througout the whole song and in a song like this, it is suppose to be said without actually being said

Other than that, I can see some real emotion in here, so even though this whole story is cliche, with some good music it could sound really good Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#19
#21
Quote by Clutch32192
nah, a band.
give em a listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwFS69nA-1w
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSMHcT-TqJw&feature=related

I see it maybe like the second one.^


MY GOD MAN.
You got me addicted to bright eyes Connor is leaving the bright eyes name behind though
right now my favorite songs are, An Attempt to Tip the Scales, Let's not shit Ourselves (To love and to be Loved) <-- Best song ever, and First Day of My Life

thanks to you for showing me the most amazing singer/songwriter ever
#22
It's pretty good, I like it. I agree with what everyone else said, it could really be something good with the right emotion.
I'm just like the Jonas Brothers,

I'm no longer relevant and write mediocre music.


#23
Quote by CPDmusic
It's pretty good, I like it. I agree with what everyone else said, it could really be something good with the right emotion.


thanks man its much appreciated, I'm thinking of just playing it with really deep and low chords or some finger-picking, idk yet, but im working on it.
either way thanks you got a piece you'd like me to crit?
#24
Quote by Caboose911

Baby, I’m sorry.

But babe, I know you still love me too

I'm not big fan of the word babe/baby, in the context of lyrics. If you were to say them before the music would come in, it would fit better, IMO.


It will never be the same.
We can never go back to the days of fun.
Because now, everything is dead and numb.
Sittin here I can feel my hands, my face.
But my heart still aches.

These last three lines kinda contradict each other, everything is numb, but you can still feel you hands, face and the aching of your heart. Did you do that on purpose? Because that adds a very interesting effect to the lyrics.

I’m sorry I was too much for you.
Too much distance
Too much pain.
Too much heartache.
I’m sure I was none of that to you.

These lines build up to something, and then the last line finish it on such a sad notion, very nice.

You won’t let me know.
But you were that to me.
You were all of that.
Girl, You were all of that.

I like how you repeat the last two lines, I totally envision this with a last high sustained sung note, to finish the song.

I love you.
I’m sorry.

As someone said before, these last two lines are unnecessary, and kind of ruin the feel of the song. You could however end with the last two lines as a sort of spoken word.



Overall I liked it, and it seems you're going to place it in the right context.
8.0/10.0
Last edited by Keth at Sep 12, 2010,
#25
I'm sorry but even within the context of being lyrics, which often afford a more straightforward outlook on the piece as a whole, this is very bland. if you're going for lyrics, I think it would be very beneficial to take the feeling you get from these words and incorporate metaphor or some sort of rhetorical device to be able to reach your listeners. if you truly want them to feel what you do, you might have to do a little better than "baby, I'm sorry". there isn't too much original about this to be perfectly honest. this is of no offense, of course, but honestly I can envision what this song would sound like even from this title. what makes Brand New and Bright Eyes stand out as bands is the crafstmanship that goes into their songs- especially the lyrics. Conor as example, I find, will speak simply but very deeply, calling into reference ideas that touch a wide range of listeners while being able to retain the specificity that he remarks of his own experiences. keep writing, just put a little more effort into what you're saying.
#26
Quote by Caboose911
MY GOD MAN.
You got me addicted to bright eyes Connor is leaving the bright eyes name behind though
right now my favorite songs are, An Attempt to Tip the Scales, Let's not shit Ourselves (To love and to be Loved) <-- Best song ever, and First Day of My Life

thanks to you for showing me the most amazing singer/songwriter ever

haha your welcome. He is a new found jewel for me also, along with The Shins and Manchester Orchestra. Connor doesn't have the best voice, but he has some amazing lyrics, and he puts real emotion into his songs (It's cool we can still just be friends) it makes up for it all.
MIM Tele
Fender Blues Jr NOS
Schecter Omen 6
Squier Strat
Greg Bennett Acoustic
other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!