#1
I am a box
That is my profession,
No, rather what I am.

Others are measured
By what they can carry,
But that's not me.

Some love to glitter
All day in the summer sun,
But that is not me.

I am a box
I am needed as a whole
And that's what I am

I only have
But one purpose
And that's to be me


I am a box
I can be just that,
And that's what I am.

c4c, just leave a link and I will try to give my best critique on my next chance.
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Sep 22, 2010,
#2
This could be very jammish, kinda of Grateful Dead or Widespread Panic feel. I like it, because its out of the norm. It' s little odd, but its good.
"Music became a healer for me. And I learned to listen with all my being. I found that it could wipe away all the emotions of fear and confusion relating to my family." Eric Clapton
#5
Form - I quite like the form, it's something I use in my lyrics now and again, and it makes the piece quite catchy without going down the road of the standard four-line.

Plot - As each verse is more of a thought or idea than a step in a story, I can't really comment on plot.

Grammar - Comma after "I am a box", assuming you're going for punctuation throughout. I'm not a fan of the multi-line "that's what I am", it doesn't look right in most contexts, although the alternative I thought of was worse, so keep them.

Syntax - "By what they can carry" in the context perhaps should be "By how much they can carry". It makes more sense than anything else but I'll let you decide whether to keep the original or change.

Ambiguity - The metaphor is obvious and isn't done overtly stylishly. That's not a bad thing, just a personal preference to be able to deconstruct something ambiguous.

Execution - You've said what you've wanted to say well, but an expansion should be considered.
#6
It's short but in a good way. It kind of reminds me of those college independent films in black and white with the piano playing chords after every line. It's a compliment if you know what I'm getting at.
#7
Wow, I didn't expect any sort of comments on this, but turns out I got five Thanks

Quote by Blackwaterson89
This could be very jammish, kinda of Grateful Dead or Widespread Panic feel. I like it, because its out of the norm. It' s little odd, but its good.


Well I am very much into listening to the Grateful Dead, Widespread Panic and Phish. I think that is pretty close to what I am going for.

Quote by Dæmönika
Form - I quite like the form, it's something I use in my lyrics now and again, and it makes the piece quite catchy without going down the road of the standard four-line.

Plot - As each verse is more of a thought or idea than a step in a story, I can't really comment on plot.

Grammar - Comma after "I am a box", assuming you're going for punctuation throughout. I'm not a fan of the multi-line "that's what I am", it doesn't look right in most contexts, although the alternative I thought of was worse, so keep them.

Syntax - "By what they can carry" in the context perhaps should be "By how much they can carry". It makes more sense than anything else but I'll let you decide whether to keep the original or change.

Ambiguity - The metaphor is obvious and isn't done overtly stylishly. That's not a bad thing, just a personal preference to be able to deconstruct something ambiguous.

Execution - You've said what you've wanted to say well, but an expansion should be considered.


Thank you very much for what you have said. I think either later today or tomorrow when I get the time I will fix that one line and maybe work on expanding it a little without loosing its simplicity.
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#8
Nice poem. Good use of a metaphor and I can think of a couple of different ways of interpreting it. A bit surreal, but that's not a bad thing.
Although I would like to see it expanded don't try too hard as it could ruin it's charm.

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1348602
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Kill them both.
Go to prison in Louisiana.
Have conversation with the Devil.
Instant harmonica asskickery.
#10
Ok I have added a couple stanzas (in blue), though I think they are just repeating what I've already said. Tell me if you guys like the addition or if I should omit it or completely try something else?
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#11
I dig it. Kinda weird, but I like it :]
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Awesome
#12
Quote by Angus_Junior35
I dig it. Kinda weird, but I like it :]

May I ask what's so wierd about it. It's just about a box that likes being just a box
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#13
^^Thou thinks that's not wierd?

Here is my 15min try at writing the feelings of a lifeless object...

I'm a picturesque painting on your wall
I'm that long forgotten pride you held
Now I'm covered with dust specks

Though I sometimes wish to be tattered or ripped
I still love you for who you were

Besides it's not like I ever get bored
I watch with innocent interest
Your wide world,still unexplored...

What thinks you?
#14
I'm a picturesque painting on your wall
I'm that long forgotten pride you held
Now I'm covered with dust specks
Good solid beginning. I think this has ture serene innocence

Though I sometimes wish to be tattered or ripped Now I don't understand why a painting wants to be tattered or ripped. I would think it wants to be framed and hung on a wall somewhere
I still love you for who you were I think this needs to have some preceding lines that more explain this, or omit and replace with some more writings on being hung on a wall

Besides it's not like I ever get bored
I watch with innocent interest
Your wide world,still unexplored...
Nice ending, though personally I don't think exactly fits a painting. Paintings don't explore, they just sit and watch

It was a very nice thought for fifteen minutes Keep on Writing
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