#1
can anybody spare me
a couple dollars,
so i can get back home?
i'll take this hell-bound train
to where i belong.

oh, no.
what have i done?

someone take this gun away from me.
before i start shooting,
everyone i see.

oh, my god.
what have i become?

you can put down
your bloody shovel.
i've dug my own grave. 


i'm working on a concept EP.
i've been going through a lot lately.
it's basically about dying inside.

let me know how you feel about these lyrics.
c4c. as always. i'll match your crit.
#3
Quote by Caboose911
hmm, could use some work in the length department but besides that it's decent. maybe rhyme a little more.
i know that could be cliche but this piece kind of needs it.
For the most part I really like it sounds like something Rancid would sing

thank you.
any ideas on how to expand it lyrically?
i like the rhymes.

http://myspace.com/tonyrandallextravaganza
there's a rough demo of it on there.
#4
Quote by TonyRandall
thank you.
any ideas on how to expand it lyrically?
i like the rhymes.


well i would suggest for the part where you wrote:
oh, no.
what have i done?


maybe just expand that a bit, add lines like "I've lost all I had" or "I've overshot the good mark" or "All that's good, now be dead and gone"

--------
and for this part:

you can put down your bloody shovel.
i've dug my own grave.


maybe add something to the beginning like "back away from me" or add something before the last line like "This is my time" or "I've been forgotten"

Just expand on your idea's a bit more than you did. this is good stuff
keep up the good work bud!

C4C?
#5
Quote by Caboose911
well i would suggest for the part where you wrote:


maybe just expand that a bit, add lines like "I've lost all I had" or "I've overshot the good mark" or "All that's good, now be dead and gone"

--------
and for this part:



maybe add something to the beginning like "back away from me" or add something before the last line like "This is my time" or "I've been forgotten"

Just expand on your idea's a bit more than you did. this is good stuff
keep up the good work bud!

C4C?

thanks man!
i will get to your crit after work. =]