#1
I was thinking this would have a heavy/mentally kinda feel to it (: Soo..yea..Any suggestiong and crits are welcome (: Thanks!

Look inside my brain
They won't jsut go away
My heart's on fire
**** this discharging rage

Hey listen, can you hear them speaking?

It's like an exorcism's taking place
Like nothing can set you free
Your skin must be pealing off
Or let your eyes burn and bleed

Hey listen, can you hear them..
Hey listen, can you hear them speaking?

Let it burn under my skin
Let the words melt within
I can't be controlled anymore
I think I've lost my mind!

One more click, and I can't think
Do you even know this feeling?
Now don't be stupid, don't test this game
Unless you wanna see me criminally insane

They show me no mercy; no none at all
Making me sleep with my eyes open
Someone's after me untill I fall
Now I'm wondering and I'll ask you once more;
Listen, can you hear them..
Hey listen, can you hear them screaming!

Let it burn under my skin
Let the words melt within
I can't be controlled
I think I've lost my mind

Now you're all alone
What ya gonna do
You are in the dark

Get the hell out of my head

Did the wrong thing
Does it burn yet?
You are weak now

Get the hell out of my head

...You can never take it back

Let it burn under my skin
Let the words melt within
I can't be controlled
No question; I've lost my mind

Can you hear them speak (We are not alone)
Can you hear them scream (Yes, the voices roam)
Can you hear them crawl (Just beneath it all)
Can you see me fall.
Last edited by Maddita at Aug 9, 2010,
#3
I believe it is really good. The only line that really bugged me is when u said "I think I've lost my mind!" It seemed to straight forward and to me when I was reading it it didn't really go with the flow.
#4
I love it. I like the mood it sets, paranoia and a little bit of distilled fear

I especially like the outro and how you follow the words with an echo. I just think you should change "They show me no mercy, no not at all" to "They show me no mercy, no none at all." Minor, but it sounds better.
#5
It's like an excorcism's exorcism's taking place
Like There's nothing can set you free
Your skin must be pealing off
Or let your eyes burn and bleed

One more click, and I can't think
Do you even know this feeling?
Now don't be stupid, don't test this game
Unless you wanna see me criminally insane

You could easily do without this verse completely, but if you really like it you could probably keep it.

I am not a Metal fan, so I don't really know how it's suppose to go, but what you have here sounds well enough. Just a couple changes is all I can really see here Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#6
Thanks guys (: Guitarchick678: Idk, i like that it's..not so straight forward, cuz i usually don't do that. and being straight forward in lyrics isn't always the best thing, but i'm trying something new i guess, so..I'd like to keep it (: thanks tho!
Tag43: yea, that actually sounds better. didn't think abt that too much i guess. I'll prolly change it (:
24WildRovers: Yea, spelling mistake. ugh. idk, i really like that verse eventho it might not be the best. i like the last two lines a lot so i htink i'm gonna keep it (:
#7
Its good, I liked most of a it. Don't change anything on my word right now because maybe if I heard it recorded I'd change my mind.

Its a very deep song, you would need the right vocals and instrumentals to it.
#8
I liked it, the feeling of paranoia it gave. My favorite line was: "Get the hell out of my head ...You can never take it back"
#9
Quote by 24WildRovers
It's like an excorcism's exorcism's taking place
Like There's nothing can set you free
Your skin must be pealing off
Or let your eyes burn and bleed

One more click, and I can't think
Do you even know this feeling?
Now don't be stupid, don't test this game
Unless you wanna see me criminally insane

You could easily do without this verse completely, but if you really like it you could probably keep it.

I am not a Metal fan, so I don't really know how it's suppose to go, but what you have here sounds well enough. Just a couple changes is all I can really see here Keep on Writing


I agree with this. The "criminally insane" part seemed a bit silly to me, but I like the rest of it. The whole time I was reading it I was thinking of br00talz riffs.

Squier Strat
Behringer Fuzz
GFT-90
#10
It reminds me of those really creepy (not crappy ) black metal bands. I'm mostly not very into that sort of stuff, but I can appreciate it from time to time.
This piece is very dark, I like it

especially this line:
One more click, and I can't think
Do you even know this feeling?

but what follows didn't seem quite as strong to me:

Now don't be stupid, don't test this game
Unless you wanna see me criminally insane
#11
This is a very nice lyrics, I loved it, but in last few lines i think some thing is missing, but all and all it is a good work, Hai Do you have any idea about the rhythm and melody of this?any suggestion..
#13
I really like the content of your lyrics. they're well written, and there's some nice use of metaphors. I do feel that it lacks a bit of structure though, though that's a matter of personal taste I guess . I would like it more with a consistent rhyming patern.
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#14
very dark, deep lyrics. this could be a really good song with the right instrumental

i do agree with the above poster, the "i think i've lost my mind" part could be switched around, "losing my mind" is a little cliche
#15
My only real qualm with this piece is the way you repeat yourself over and over. I understand that certain sections are repeated for the aim of emphasis - or simply because they are chorus' - but you didn't really go anywhere with the ideas. They were stagnant in the water of your mind, and that was a little disheartening to see.

As I was reading it, I certainly felt like I was in a cheesy metal song. But that's okay. I've learned to respect that. What does bother me, as I said, is its lack of content. The way I can test that is by doing something quite rude and horrible: skipping ahead sections at a time and still understanding the piece in every way.

In my opinion, you need to throw in a few curve-balls. Enlighten me, the reader, with something more tangible than an exorcism of your head or skin peeling off your face. Those metaphors are fine in certain circumstances, but they are blatantly obvious, yet completely and unmistakably ridiculous at the same time. I don't mind reading something over-the-top as long as it has a purpose. I didn't feel that here.
#17
Thanks you guys (: very much. @AngryGoldfish: I appriciate your crit for these lyrics. But i must say, and disagree, that these are for sure not some "cheesy metal song." It might sound like it now, but with the music for it, it's not gonna be cheesy in ANY way. i doubt I'm gonna put metal intrumental to these lyrics. But again, thanks for the words. It was nice to hear another opinion than "it was nice" etc. eventho i appriciate that so very much, as well (: