#1
C4C of course! Thanks for any feedback

A Ghost in the Closet (Something to make you breathe like *gasp*gasp*gasp*)

Blow the hinges off the door
Leave the deadbolt smoldering in the dirt
Here's lookin' at you;
Fragmented and covered in dust.
Do the standards need to be so high?
We scratch through glass and cue the idea of "trust"
Typical oversights
Right on schedule
I got the shakes
With or without you
I got the shakes
A classic case of twitching in time
And blurring the lines between
comfortable_///=/and=//-_unsettled=//_
It's important that you remember to breathe
And that all roads lead to roaming
The bottle is empty but the vagrant still wanders
Aimless yet hopeful
A meant-to-be car crash stumbling through a shipwreck,
Sailing the sidewalks of this city
Dusting for prints
Looking for evidence;
Parked haphazardly from swerving into her front yard
Check the windows and doors for signs of entry
The break in becomes evident,
There's fingerprints on that goblet
and a note by the ashtray, reading:
"Sorry for all the shards, the clean up was impossible"
Professional services will be needed to cover up this catastrophe
We need a maid, a priest and a prostitute
Someone to clean
Someone to pray
Someone to call me baby
or sweetie or something cute whilst we lay.
Here's lookin' at you.
#2
Wow. I'm really enjoying this. The imagery is a bit typical I must say, but your twists are satisfying. The meant to be car crash stumbling through a shipwreck. Keep that up! Imagination. I'm thinking Mark Twain. Take out "the idea of' and just cue trust. It's more fun like that. There are places where the flow breathes like *gasp*gasp*gasp* like when you rhyme evidence with evident. Not sure about the subatomic properties of this sum, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't get along under a microscope. The forensic wrap up is a really good theme, a good choice of people for the old "so there's three ____ that walk into a ____" joke. maybe a bar, maybe your life. who knows. I think I'm going to listen to your music. I'm whimsically impressed.
#3
Wow! Thanks a lot. I'm one to rework things, so keep the constructive criticism coming. I will crit you soon, buddy. As far as my music goes, I didn't write many of those lyrics, they're mostly my friend's, who is also my drummer. In any case, I'm really happy that you're enjoying my work, it means the world to me.
#4
And that all roads lead to roaming
Damn good line there, bro.

Overall, I liked this quite a bit, though once in a while there were lines that were somewhat cliche and/or didn't add much. Lines like "dusting for prints" I think could use some changes. Try to say things in your own way rather than using the same old ones you've heard everywhere.

For the most part, though, this is great. It meanders quite nicely, and the repetition of "here's looking at you" ties it all together nicely, and has that wonderful little pop culture reference. I would only suggest seeing if you can say some things in a slightly more original way, or see if you need them at all. You've got the potential for this to be even better with a few small changes.
kill all humans
#5
I really, really enjoyed this until the end. "Professional services" and on was painful. I think "professional services" is too wordy and too formal for this particular piece. The maid, priest, prostitute thing reminded me of one of those jokes where a priest and a rabbi are sitting in a boat or a blonde, a redhead and a brunette walk into an electronics store. It seemed to contrast the rest of the piece.

Before that it was beautiful though, really. I was just disappointed with the ending.

If you wanna crit back: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1349225
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#6
Quote by jimmy388

A Ghost in the Closet (Something to make you breathe like *gasp*gasp*gasp*)

Blow the hinges off the door
Leave the deadbolt smoldering in the dirt
Here's lookin' at you;
Fragmented and covered in dust.
Do the standards need to be so high?
We scratch through glass
cue:
"trust"
Typical
oversights
Right on schedule
I got the shakes: a classic case
Twitching in time and
blurring the lines between
comfortable}-//=/and=//-_unsettled=//_
This is no time for a lapse in memory
The bottle is empty but the vagrant still wanders
All roads lead to roaming
Aimlessly hopeful
A meant-to-be car crash stumbling through a shipwreck,
Sailing the sidewalks of this city
Parked haphazardly from swerving into her front yard
Check the windows and doors for signs of entry
The break in becomes evident,
There's fingerprints on that goblet
and a note by the ashtray, reading:
"Sorry for all the shards,
the clean up was impossible,
watch where you step"
Professional services
will be needed to
cover up this catastrophe
We need:
a maid,
a priest
and a prostitute
Someone to clean
Someone to pray
Someone to call me
something "cute"
Here's lookin' at you.


I rewrote a bit of this, using a decent portion of the suggestions offered. I kept the "maid, priest, prostitute" theme. I've never thought of it as the typical joke format that you've mentioned, it's just a set symbolic devices combined with my writing style. Although, I do like the joke thing, haha. I changed the flow of it A LOT, to make some of the looser rhymes a little more evident and for some maybe, readability. Thanks for all the feedback so far everyone.
#7
Quote by jimmy388

A Ghost in the Closet (Something to make you breathe like *gasp*gasp*gasp*)

Blow the hinges off the door
Leave the deadbolt smoldering in the dirt
Here's lookin' at you;
Fragmented and covered in dust.
Do the standards need to be so high?
We scratch through glass
cue:
"trust"
Typical
oversights
Right on schedule
I got the shakes: a classic case
Twitching in time and
blurring the lines between
comfortable}-//=/and=//-_unsettled=//_
This is no time for a lapse in memory
The bottle is empty but the vagrant still wanders
All roads lead to roaming
Aimlessly hopeful
A meant-to-be car crash stumbling through a shipwreck,
Sailing the sidewalks of this city
Parked haphazardly from swerving into her front yard
Check the windows and doors for signs of entry
The break in becomes evident,
There's fingerprints on that goblet
and a note by the ashtray, reading:
"Sorry for all the shards,
the clean up was impossible,
Here's lookin' at you.


Sorry for the douple post, by re-re (lol "reet reet") edited this piece and decided to drop the end part, it flows MUCH better without it, I just had to quit being stubborn. I like it, but I'll use it for something different I suspect Thanks again guys, and don't worry I will crit you back.