#1
Ok, I worked on the first draft. I changed the rhyme scheme, edited quite a few lines, and made it flow better. The only thing that I'm wary about is the 1st verse. c4c

You feed on us from the top of the heap
Once you're done cast us out like something cheap
You don't care if what you reap is what you sow
War monger, exchanging bodies for gold
Strife bringer, counting up the lies you sold
Well are you happy now, you got your dough

Death and misery go hand in hand
Death and misery go hand in hand
Nothing permament's ever made outta sand
You probably wouldn't understand from where you are
But I gotta stop wishing on that stupid star

You operate unknown, unseen, and underground
Puppet master creeping along without a sound
Pull the strings if you don't like what you see
The actor and the play, you know them all
What you want is to make the curtain fall
Everybody's happy, but no, you can't leave them be

Death and misery go hand in hand
Death and misery go hand in hand
Nothing permament's ever made outta sand
You probably wouldn't understand from where you are
But I gotta stop wishing on that stupid star

The dogs are barking, can't you see
They know what's buried in the forest full of fallen trees
Secrets lie there, buried deep
The solution's closing inat hand
Don't let slip through my grasp like sand
Cause you know the secrets tear through our sleep

Death and misery go hand in hand
Strife and war go there too
Tell, is anything permament made outta sand
You still don't understand cause of where you are
Its time for us to stop wishing on that stupid star
I'll pretend I can mod your amp but break it instead.
#2
wow man, thats really good!
i would change:
Once you're done cast us out like something cheap

to:
Once you're done, you cast us out like stray sheep

just seems to flow better...

and maybe instead of saying:
Death and misery go hand in hand

instead of saying it twice, maybe mix it up a little and every chorus change the second time you say it, to something different. just gives it a different feel.

besides those two things, i really like it! good job!
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#3
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You feed on us from the top of the heap
Once you're done cast us out like something cheap And then you go to get a good night's sleep
You don't care if what don't realize you reap is what you sow
War monger, exchanging bodies for gold
Strife bringer, counting up the lies you sold
Well are you happy now, you got your dough Then you leave us here in the cold

Death and misery go hand in hand
Death and misery go hand in hand For the second line, change it every time, so each chorus is different than the last, try something Now we all stand in sand
Nothing permament's ever made outta on/atop sand This sounds better because of the story of the wise man (whether you've ever hear it before http://childbiblesongs.com/song-21-wise-man-built-his-house.shtml )
You probably wouldn't understand from where you are But you won't stop even after your czar
But I gotta stop wishing on that stupid star And you'll leave us here, all marred

You operate unknown, unseen, and underground
Puppet master creeping along without a sound
Pull the strings if you don't like what you see
The actor and the play, you know them all
What you want is to make the curtain fall
Everybody's happy, but no, you can't leave them be
Great verse, perfect imagry and I love the story your telling here.

Death and misery go hand in hand
Death and misery go hand in hand And we're all barred from the land
Nothing permament's ever made outta sand
You probably wouldn't understand from where you are
But I gotta stop wishing on that stupid star

The dogs are barking, can't you see
They know what's buried in the forest full of fallen trees
Secrets lie there, buried deep
The solution's closing inat hand
Don't let slip through my grasp like sand
Cause you know the secrets tear through our sleep Now we've awaken from our long sleep

This is actually really good. I love the story your trying to tell here. And your imagry is exceptional Keep on Writing
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