#1
Little child without a tear on the ground
whistling through days
with a here and a now.

without a whisper of black-fingered woe,
wandering through fields full of
silence and space who
can crush a grown man.
wading through isolation,
bend your back and
say "hello" to the stars,
hope they can hear you
from a place that's so far.
Run in circles and circles
and circumvent emptiness,
circle and circle nothing
and a deeper deep nothing
with circles and
circles,

Little child without a tear on the ground
who has wandered through nothingness
spoke with the stars
drawn so many nothing-circles and
now held hands with black-fingered woe,
wakes up and sees that he's
disgustingly

alone

and forgets
how to whistle.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Aug 11, 2010,
#2
That last line "Wakes up and sees that hes disgustingly alone,and forgets how to whistle."
is brilliant,, What does this song mean though? what i got from it was you were experiencing something new that was enjoyable, untill someone or something ruined it for you,and now you cant find happyness in it, even though its something you should love... but thats just my take on it,, let me know,,
#3
Thanks, post a link if you want me to crit something of yours.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
*puts fingertips together*
eeeexcellent...
What do you think, Smithers?


^ is to hide that I don't have anything really useful to say...
I don't feel like there are lines that should be changed, or ideas that don't work for me.
Last edited by Karel Juwet at Aug 12, 2010,
#5
i dislike the last line and -
and a deeper deep nothing
with circles and
circles,


Those two things didn't add anything.
I like this piece well enough.
#6
I'm going by the guideline I was recently shown a link to, to maximize my crit's usefulness

Little child without a tear on the ground
whistling through days
with a here and a now.

I'm not sure about this.
There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of imagery added by these three words, and in my humble opinion, the flow works a slight bit better without them

without a whisper of black-fingered woe,
wandering through fields full of
silence and space who
can crush a grown man.
Why break these up into so many lines ? And "who" doesn't seem to be the correct pronoun here.

wading through isolation,
bend your back and
say "hello" to the stars,
hope they can hear you
from a place that's so far.
Considering you didn't use much rhyming here, star-far has quite a bit of punch, and I liked it

Run in circles and circles
and circumvent emptiness,
circle and circle nothing
and a deeper deep nothing
with circles and
circles,
As the piece itself ironically says, this spins in circles. I think the impact would have been better sans the dragging on



who has wandered through nothingness

Just a personal touch, I think nothing sounds better than nothingness

and forgets
how to whistle.

Nice good kick to finish up.
I loved it
#7
I really love this. I'm really starting to love you.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#8
The only thing I would consider revisiting would be "from a place that's so far". The reason I say this is because you have lately had a knack for using great word choice. It's one of the things I've been admiring about your writing lately, that you select words loaded with imagery and emotion and that you phrase them in unique ways. In my opinion, this phrasing and wording was bland and stuck out in a poem that had such great phrases such as "without a whisper of black-fingered woe". It begins to come off as if you worded it that way just to make the rhyme.

But besides that one line, for me this was great.
here, My Dear, here it is
#9
I don't dislike this piece, but it doesn't strike me in a deep way either. There are some lines I really like though:

wandering through fields full of
silence and space who
can crush a grown man

That's beautiful.

"And forgets how to whistle"

That's really pretty as well.

All in all, I liked this piece and I'm looking forward to reading old and new stuff from you