#1
Dragging myself up and down this page
Black flowers on my desk.
Suicide's supposed to be tough
My pen fell. Three times a **** -
Roaches lying around
No tomorrow's paper for me. The rope is tied.

Shivering now, contemplating
My life revisited
Figure I still need you to take the chair away
Tomorrow's paper is waiting after all.
#3
Well, it's not my usual style :P
The talking person in a poem is not by definition the writer...
#4
I feel you could have gone on longer, but I think what you have there is pretty interesting; it gets your attention right from the beginning.

C4C? The one in my sig needs it.
#5
I feel like suicide is just such a played out thing, not in writing but in the world. It's just become this generic medium for portraying sadness. Something kinda bad happens and someone says "Oh I'm going to kill myself" even if they're not serious, just because it's a way to express how much whatever happened sucks. I feel like I've become desensitized to it, really.

That's why the mention of suicide in this piece, whether it's about that or not, made it ineffective. It's numb-feeling.

If you wanna crit back: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1349225
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#6
I liked your piece and see the potential in it but im left wondering what you're upset about. Maybe you can tell us about that. Here is a good way to do it that I learned from a lyric class. Use the five senses.
How are you feeling.
What are you seeing. - Black flowers (that part was good)
What do you hear.
What does it taste like.
What does it smell like.

So for example you hit about Suicide, black flowers, roaches, ropes, which are your most powerful words.
What do you mean by tomorrows paper?
I think you want to say more in this second stanza or verse. Just say it. Its good to write as much as you can and then write again and condense it and then write again and then condense again so that you say what you want to say most powerfully and clear.

I like your piece. thats why I critiqued it and its strong.
#8
Quote by Ganoosh
I feel like suicide is just such a played out thing, not in writing but in the world. It's just become this generic medium for portraying sadness. Something kinda bad happens and someone says "Oh I'm going to kill myself" even if they're not serious, just because it's a way to express how much whatever happened sucks. I feel like I've become desensitized to it, really.

That's why the mention of suicide in this piece, whether it's about that or not, made it ineffective. It's numb-feeling.

If you wanna crit back: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1349225



person 1 likes person 2, person 2 doesn't like person 1 that way
person 1 wants to kill him/herself, but in the end (s)he realises (s)he even needs person 2 for committing suicide, and just carries on living the everyday life (tomorrow's paper)

The suicide is not the main subject here, I know what you're saying, and I don't like overuse of the subject suicide in poetry either, but I used it as a medium to make another point stronger. I think it's a good way to say person 1 loves person 2 so much, he even can't commit suicide without that person.

Quote by michaelsocarras

*Very useful advice*
What do you mean by tomorrows paper?
*some more useful advice*


Thanks for the tips! I really appreciate that
I'm not very experienced in writing poetry like this, like in modern style poetry

The tomorrows paper symbolises the repetition of his everyday life, the routine of getting up, reading the paper, leaving for work...
He expects he will get out of this routine through committing suicide, but in the end he decides not to kill himself.
Last edited by Karel Juwet at Aug 12, 2010,
#9
Hence "whether it's about that or not."

I will say that's a great idea.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black