#1
So I just randomly came up with the chorus to a song I might be writing. Still working on the verses. Let me know what you think of the chorus though. The song's going to be about how society is trying to keep you down by blinding you with lies and trying to keep you just like everyone else.

You are blind,
open your eyes.
If the disease is mother society,
can you over come the conformity?
To see that which is true,
there's one thing you must do.
If you wish to be you,
you must break the taboo.
Last edited by Adisturbedone at Aug 12, 2010,
#2
The rhythm and rhyming is a little awkward, and a little ambiguous the way you wrote it. Break it into lines, and we'll get a better idea of your intentions. But I think I have a grasp on it, so here's what I'd do:

Rewrite the line "Conformity is the disease, but is there a cure?" to be a lot shorter (aim for around 8 syllables) and ends with a word that rhymes with eyes. With the tone of the song, maybe something like "Then you will see through the lies"

And shorten the line "There is one thing you must do" by a syllable. Maybe just something as simple as replacing "There is" with "There's", or "you must" to "to"
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#3
Quote by Mephysteaux
The rhythm and rhyming is a little awkward, and a little ambiguous the way you wrote it. Break it into lines, and we'll get a better idea of your intentions. But I think I have a grasp on it, so here's what I'd do:

Rewrite the line "Conformity is the disease, but is there a cure?" to be a lot shorter (aim for around 8 syllables) and ends with a word that rhymes with eyes. With the tone of the song, maybe something like "Then you will see through the lies" Their's still a one syllable difference between them but I couldn't really think of anything else

And shorten the line "There is one thing you must do" by a syllable. Maybe just something as simple as replacing "There is" with "There's", or "you must" to "to"


All right, I fixed it up a bit.

With the line about conformity, I split it up into two separate lines that rhyme with each other.