#1
the shelf life

the turns cornered
the corners turned
our fingers licked, crumpled at the edges
laying flat and thin- between the sheets
I am cracking my spine, readying for the shelf life
(learning my place)
those pages paper thin
they’re holding it all in
so dry our ink tears under a spectacle sun
the make-up runs
like a death sentence
on and on and on
through that sacred pathway
the labyrinth serpentine
aged skins and casks skimmed through
tossed aside to stack
passed on, recycled for free
exchanged for petty changes
(their $0.02 spent/in a hand-out)
the line left to follow out
to be lead, and lead on
those blind scholars and I
(our Braille bodies, now cold readings)
where a woman and a beast will wait
the corners torn up
where the loose leaves lay
and begin to look the same.

(do I need to repeat myself?
if there’s one thing you need to know, kid
history, it sells.)
Last edited by Sticky Tissues at Aug 11, 2010,
#2
I don't like some line breaks here, this seems like the kind of thing that needs to be less separated, but that's just how I would have written it. Otherwise, the truth is that I couldn't have written it because this is pretty great. There's a pretty good flow here, the pacing is a little fast. I don't like the thin/in rhyme.

Overall though, very very enjoyed. You've gained a fan.

c4c? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1349225
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
this is great. really great. you had a wonderful theme and were subtle with your intentions, and while I may not like a collection of lines I think altogether this is a really lovely bit of writing
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
thanks a lot guys, I very much appreciate. I have been a bit down lately and as such can't tell if what I am writing is up to par or not.

and Ganoosh- I will definitely crit that when I have time. I am away for my brother's wedding but at some point soon definitely.
#5
I liked that a lot, maybe the varying lenght of the lines is something you could change if you want to get it into a metrum-scheme.
#6
I liked this a lot! I agree with Ganoosh, you could make some of your lines longer, other than that; this wanders really nicely and ties itself together with a lot of really solid imagery.
There were a couple lines I really liked:
(our Braille bodies, now cold readings),
Good stuff right there, sir.

I am cracking my spine, readying for the shelf life
Beautiful

Really great piece. If you get a chance, check out my latest, please:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1348736